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Sin City etc
Mar. 30th, 2005 08:02 pmI saw "Sin City" the other night
I highly recommend it, if you havent seen it
and I have to say
it inspired the strangest thought
I never thought I would hear myself think
"great movie - wish Josh Harnett had a bigger role though"
cause one I dont think much of him as an actor
and two I am not gay
but I really liked his character in Sin City
and felt he nailed it well
speaking of people giving unusually good performances
I thought Mickey Rourke did a good job as well
seemed a good role for him
the rest were about as expected
although I was rather disappointed in rutger hauer
I've always liked him but he felt kinda flat here
the women as expected were bombshells
I liked the way they did it
racy but not over the top
some of the chick were wearing next to nothing, sure
but it wasnt overdone, they were more scenery quickly passed over
than a focus so it added to the feel without becoming excessive
the setting and style were perfect
really let you sink into the mood of the film
definitely one I'll have to pick up on DVD
other than that
not much going on
I got finals starting on thursday
with some evil bastich scheduling one for saturday
but oh well
life happens
anyway it way too late
so I'm off to bed
night night
I highly recommend it, if you havent seen it
and I have to say
it inspired the strangest thought
I never thought I would hear myself think
"great movie - wish Josh Harnett had a bigger role though"
cause one I dont think much of him as an actor
and two I am not gay
but I really liked his character in Sin City
and felt he nailed it well
speaking of people giving unusually good performances
I thought Mickey Rourke did a good job as well
seemed a good role for him
the rest were about as expected
although I was rather disappointed in rutger hauer
I've always liked him but he felt kinda flat here
the women as expected were bombshells
I liked the way they did it
racy but not over the top
some of the chick were wearing next to nothing, sure
but it wasnt overdone, they were more scenery quickly passed over
than a focus so it added to the feel without becoming excessive
the setting and style were perfect
really let you sink into the mood of the film
definitely one I'll have to pick up on DVD
other than that
not much going on
I got finals starting on thursday
with some evil bastich scheduling one for saturday
but oh well
life happens
anyway it way too late
so I'm off to bed
night night
I am a private person
even within this place
where I share far more than anywhere else
I exercise distinct control
choosing each word with deliberation
It is not what someone knows about me that I fear
but how they will use it
for perhaps unlike most
I have much to lose
and
more importantly
others have much to lose
from my failures
if it were only my price to pay
I would find it much easier
to believe
to share
to trust
while I can risk what is mine
I cannot take risks with what is not
and that is the crux of it
unfortunately people have emotions
too many times have I seen people
betray the trust invested in them
not out of malice
but desperation, emotion, weakness
It is this I fear, not malice
not evil intent
but simply their humanity
and it is that which necessitates my walls
requires me to circle the wagons
on such a constant basis
have you ever made an error
of particularly grievous consequences
but whose consequences were not yours to bear
no matter how much you wish it
you can not take the burden of your error onto yourself
and instead must watch someone else carry it
a situation once done, you cannot rectify
no matter how hard you try?
it is this I worry about
for it is always with me
my failures hurt other people
it is the curse of my birthright
most of my life
I tried to escape this burden
wished that my actions could affect only me
as a young man I stratified my social groups
refusing to allow interaction between them
the idea was to limit the flow of information
to give me a place where I could be myself
without worrying of the consequences to others
it worked well as a young man
but as an adult, it failed miserably
so I altered my strategy
I moved to an unfamiliar place
in order to increase the distance
between my life and my obligations
an attempt to give me some breathing room
it was all folly
we cannot escape who we are
no matter how we try
the cards are dealt
the odds are fixed
the house always wins
but that did not stop me
from trying anyway
in my arrogance I thought I could beat the system
thought I could find a way
to have my cake and eat it too
like all my mistakes
it was someone else who paid the price
for all I talk of loyalty
it was I who committed the grand betrayal
for six months
I lived under an assumed name
apartment, phone, car and job
friends and a girlfriend
all belonging to someone else
a fiction, my tribute to mary shelley
in the naive arrogance of youth
thinking I could do one better.
foolishly believing I could master fiction
create two separate lives, each free of the other
all in the pursuit of happiness and being "myself"
but the weight of that deception I could not bear
especially the guilt of loving a woman
who did not even know my name
finally when I could no longer bear it
I came clean to her, told her of my deception and the reasons for it
it was over between us, what we had
I crushed, debased, destroyed with my lies
but even then, with her eyes torn by tears
her throat choked with rage and sorrow
did I deny her
I performed my duty, upheld my obligation
and inspite of her pleas
I refused her my name
packed my bags and moved on
I've never forgiven myself for her
that single act of cruelty
in the dark of night
sitting alone
I wish I had chosen simply to disappear
or fabricate some illusion to explain my leaving
then vanish into the night
leaving her at least with a bittersweet memory
I suppose at the time, my own sense of honor
felt an obligation to own up to what I had done
to face the music
feel the brunt of her wrath
I should have allowed that frankenstein
to fade quietly away, but I did not
I was selfish
in my guilt, my foolish pride
I did not grant her the only one of my lies
which would not have been selfish
which could give her any comfort
I have no right even to repent
this cruelty
let alone seek forgiveness
I wish I could say I learned from this
found some way to balance my life and obligation
but I have not
I have only learned to make different mistakes
forgoing the grand deception
for the little ones
refusing to admit that my humanity will always take a back seat
to playing that hand which I was dealt
so I repeat the lie in my heart
reserving my cruelty for those I love most
even within this place
where I share far more than anywhere else
I exercise distinct control
choosing each word with deliberation
It is not what someone knows about me that I fear
but how they will use it
for perhaps unlike most
I have much to lose
and
more importantly
others have much to lose
from my failures
if it were only my price to pay
I would find it much easier
to believe
to share
to trust
while I can risk what is mine
I cannot take risks with what is not
and that is the crux of it
unfortunately people have emotions
too many times have I seen people
betray the trust invested in them
not out of malice
but desperation, emotion, weakness
It is this I fear, not malice
not evil intent
but simply their humanity
and it is that which necessitates my walls
requires me to circle the wagons
on such a constant basis
have you ever made an error
of particularly grievous consequences
but whose consequences were not yours to bear
no matter how much you wish it
you can not take the burden of your error onto yourself
and instead must watch someone else carry it
a situation once done, you cannot rectify
no matter how hard you try?
it is this I worry about
for it is always with me
my failures hurt other people
it is the curse of my birthright
most of my life
I tried to escape this burden
wished that my actions could affect only me
as a young man I stratified my social groups
refusing to allow interaction between them
the idea was to limit the flow of information
to give me a place where I could be myself
without worrying of the consequences to others
it worked well as a young man
but as an adult, it failed miserably
so I altered my strategy
I moved to an unfamiliar place
in order to increase the distance
between my life and my obligations
an attempt to give me some breathing room
it was all folly
we cannot escape who we are
no matter how we try
the cards are dealt
the odds are fixed
the house always wins
but that did not stop me
from trying anyway
in my arrogance I thought I could beat the system
thought I could find a way
to have my cake and eat it too
like all my mistakes
it was someone else who paid the price
for all I talk of loyalty
it was I who committed the grand betrayal
for six months
I lived under an assumed name
apartment, phone, car and job
friends and a girlfriend
all belonging to someone else
a fiction, my tribute to mary shelley
in the naive arrogance of youth
thinking I could do one better.
foolishly believing I could master fiction
create two separate lives, each free of the other
all in the pursuit of happiness and being "myself"
but the weight of that deception I could not bear
especially the guilt of loving a woman
who did not even know my name
finally when I could no longer bear it
I came clean to her, told her of my deception and the reasons for it
it was over between us, what we had
I crushed, debased, destroyed with my lies
but even then, with her eyes torn by tears
her throat choked with rage and sorrow
did I deny her
I performed my duty, upheld my obligation
and inspite of her pleas
I refused her my name
packed my bags and moved on
I've never forgiven myself for her
that single act of cruelty
in the dark of night
sitting alone
I wish I had chosen simply to disappear
or fabricate some illusion to explain my leaving
then vanish into the night
leaving her at least with a bittersweet memory
I suppose at the time, my own sense of honor
felt an obligation to own up to what I had done
to face the music
feel the brunt of her wrath
I should have allowed that frankenstein
to fade quietly away, but I did not
I was selfish
in my guilt, my foolish pride
I did not grant her the only one of my lies
which would not have been selfish
which could give her any comfort
I have no right even to repent
this cruelty
let alone seek forgiveness
I wish I could say I learned from this
found some way to balance my life and obligation
but I have not
I have only learned to make different mistakes
forgoing the grand deception
for the little ones
refusing to admit that my humanity will always take a back seat
to playing that hand which I was dealt
so I repeat the lie in my heart
reserving my cruelty for those I love most
The curse of Lady McBeth
Mar. 30th, 2005 02:02 amThere are events in our lives which forever alter us
sometimes it is in our actions
othertimes it is what we observe
but regardless
we are never the same again
I have had too many of these
too many faces haunt my dreams
too many scars upon my soul
entirely too much blood stains these miserable hands
my dreams are a minefield
the distance from a spirit crushing nightmare
never further than a single straying thought
I took my first life at seventeen
I remember looking down at his body
lying on the cold concrete
that halloween night
blood on my hands
blood at my feet
the smell of his vacated bowels
staining my nostrils
in truth I cared nothing for the man, boy, whatever
lying there in a crumpled battered heap
I had no choice in what happened
my hand was the executioner
but the decision was his
and he was a stranger, an unknown
I had never seen him before and would never again
I knew not even his name and never cared to learn it
I did not know then, of course
that his face would remain with me
frozen in death and smeared with blood
the policy inquiry was perfunctory
there was barely a mention in the papers
and being a minor, my name was omitted
my family paid for his funeral
my mother attended incognito
and like that
the whole bloody affair
washed neatly from history
but those brief moments
left me forever altered
everyone tried to console me
but I just smiled pathetically
playing the part I knew was expected
for no one would understand
what really bothered me
what I truly struggled with
death was no stranger to me
I had buried friends
tenderly washed their blood from my hands
stood at their graves face blank without comprehension
no, this was different
what affected me most was how little it affected me
and it was that I struggled to comprehend.
sometimes it is in our actions
othertimes it is what we observe
but regardless
we are never the same again
I have had too many of these
too many faces haunt my dreams
too many scars upon my soul
entirely too much blood stains these miserable hands
my dreams are a minefield
the distance from a spirit crushing nightmare
never further than a single straying thought
I took my first life at seventeen
I remember looking down at his body
lying on the cold concrete
that halloween night
blood on my hands
blood at my feet
the smell of his vacated bowels
staining my nostrils
in truth I cared nothing for the man, boy, whatever
lying there in a crumpled battered heap
I had no choice in what happened
my hand was the executioner
but the decision was his
and he was a stranger, an unknown
I had never seen him before and would never again
I knew not even his name and never cared to learn it
I did not know then, of course
that his face would remain with me
frozen in death and smeared with blood
the policy inquiry was perfunctory
there was barely a mention in the papers
and being a minor, my name was omitted
my family paid for his funeral
my mother attended incognito
and like that
the whole bloody affair
washed neatly from history
but those brief moments
left me forever altered
everyone tried to console me
but I just smiled pathetically
playing the part I knew was expected
for no one would understand
what really bothered me
what I truly struggled with
death was no stranger to me
I had buried friends
tenderly washed their blood from my hands
stood at their graves face blank without comprehension
no, this was different
what affected me most was how little it affected me
and it was that I struggled to comprehend.
The Wine Run
Mar. 30th, 2005 12:39 amWe had the end of year
ski patrol party over the weekend
(aka the wine run)
the hill was closed to the public at 5pm
and we had some private time on the slopes
before congregating at the summit
for some drinking and schmoozing
it was good time all in all
and should I still be in Nova Scotia next winter
I look forward to patrolling again.
( the wine run )
ski patrol party over the weekend
(aka the wine run)
the hill was closed to the public at 5pm
and we had some private time on the slopes
before congregating at the summit
for some drinking and schmoozing
it was good time all in all
and should I still be in Nova Scotia next winter
I look forward to patrolling again.
( the wine run )
In my secret life
Mar. 29th, 2005 12:06 amI saw you this morning
you were moving so fast
cant seem to loosen my grip on the past
I miss you so much
there is no one in sight
and we're still making love
in my secret life
----
Leonard Cohen - In my secret life
----
I see her
from time to time
just out of the reach of my arms
through heavy eyelids burdened with sleep
she appears
standing there
watching me the way she always did
that soft bemused smile
a knowing smile
which only a woman can master
and even then
only when
she knows the man she loves
better than he knows himself
my mind still foggy with sleep
I reach for her
forgetting those four hours
and the ten years since
but I am unable to close that short distance
I struggle but that only serves
to yank me from the last vestiges of sleep
and from that netherworld
halfway between waking and slumber
in whose brief moments
we can be together
its not a trick
you senses are decieving
a fitful dream
the morning will exhaust
say goodbye to Alexdranda leaving
then say goodbye to Alexandra lost
even though she sleep upon your satin
even though she wakes you with a kiss
do not say the moment was imagined
do not stoop to strategies like this
as someone long prepared for this to happen
go firmly to the window
drink it in
exquisite music
Alexandra laughing
you first commitments
tangible again
and you who had
the honor of her evening
and by that honor
had your own restored
say goodbye to Alexandra leaving
Alexandra leaving with her lord
----
Leonard Cohen - Alexandra Leaving
----
I find it hard
to describe what we had
to describe what she was
and what I was with her
She was not my first love
nor my last
I loved girls before her
and women after
some of them very deeply
but only she ever penetrated me
not by my choice
nor with my consent
but nonetheless she was there
with that knowing smile
waiting for me to recognize what she knew all along
it was she who crowned me king
anointed me with her adoration
and with a kiss upon my forehead
she forgave my trespasses
she was my redeemer
my queen and consort
in truth,
what little of it I can bear to possess
it is not how much I love her
nor how deeply I love her
that is the least bit remarkable
but how she loved me
you were moving so fast
cant seem to loosen my grip on the past
I miss you so much
there is no one in sight
and we're still making love
in my secret life
----
Leonard Cohen - In my secret life
----
I see her
from time to time
just out of the reach of my arms
through heavy eyelids burdened with sleep
she appears
standing there
watching me the way she always did
that soft bemused smile
a knowing smile
which only a woman can master
and even then
only when
she knows the man she loves
better than he knows himself
my mind still foggy with sleep
I reach for her
forgetting those four hours
and the ten years since
but I am unable to close that short distance
I struggle but that only serves
to yank me from the last vestiges of sleep
and from that netherworld
halfway between waking and slumber
in whose brief moments
we can be together
its not a trick
you senses are decieving
a fitful dream
the morning will exhaust
say goodbye to Alexdranda leaving
then say goodbye to Alexandra lost
even though she sleep upon your satin
even though she wakes you with a kiss
do not say the moment was imagined
do not stoop to strategies like this
as someone long prepared for this to happen
go firmly to the window
drink it in
exquisite music
Alexandra laughing
you first commitments
tangible again
and you who had
the honor of her evening
and by that honor
had your own restored
say goodbye to Alexandra leaving
Alexandra leaving with her lord
----
Leonard Cohen - Alexandra Leaving
----
I find it hard
to describe what we had
to describe what she was
and what I was with her
She was not my first love
nor my last
I loved girls before her
and women after
some of them very deeply
but only she ever penetrated me
not by my choice
nor with my consent
but nonetheless she was there
with that knowing smile
waiting for me to recognize what she knew all along
it was she who crowned me king
anointed me with her adoration
and with a kiss upon my forehead
she forgave my trespasses
she was my redeemer
my queen and consort
in truth,
what little of it I can bear to possess
it is not how much I love her
nor how deeply I love her
that is the least bit remarkable
but how she loved me
What a piece of work is a man...
Mar. 28th, 2005 04:25 amhow noble in reason!
how infinite in faculty!
in form and moving how express and admirable!
in action how like an angel!
in apprehension how like a god!
the beauty of the world!
the paragon of animals!
And yet,
to me,
what is this quintessence of dust?
man delights not me:
no, nor woman neither,
though by your smiling you seem to say so.
------
it is bizzare
for as much as I, from time to time
yearn for someone to understand me
it disturbs me, even frightens me
when someones does, even in part
when someone see through my charade of arrogance
to see that while confident, I am not immune to self doubt
while strong, I am not immune to pain
Often I wish I could explain
this peculiar state I am in
half god half monster
I like to think
from time to time
that I am my own master
but
like all things
it is true only to a degree
I
like everything else
have allegiances to which I must pay tribute
obligations and debts
which I must service
however unfortunate
or against whatever desires I may have
I do not resent these
for that is pointless
in our lives
we each have our lot
it is the hand we are dealt
but I do at times
wish that I had the opportunity to explain
the phone rings
but I cannot answer
no matter how much I desire to
how infinite in faculty!
in form and moving how express and admirable!
in action how like an angel!
in apprehension how like a god!
the beauty of the world!
the paragon of animals!
And yet,
to me,
what is this quintessence of dust?
man delights not me:
no, nor woman neither,
though by your smiling you seem to say so.
------
it is bizzare
for as much as I, from time to time
yearn for someone to understand me
it disturbs me, even frightens me
when someones does, even in part
when someone see through my charade of arrogance
to see that while confident, I am not immune to self doubt
while strong, I am not immune to pain
Often I wish I could explain
this peculiar state I am in
half god half monster
I like to think
from time to time
that I am my own master
but
like all things
it is true only to a degree
I
like everything else
have allegiances to which I must pay tribute
obligations and debts
which I must service
however unfortunate
or against whatever desires I may have
I do not resent these
for that is pointless
in our lives
we each have our lot
it is the hand we are dealt
but I do at times
wish that I had the opportunity to explain
the phone rings
but I cannot answer
no matter how much I desire to
(no subject)
Mar. 27th, 2005 11:52 pmI am the rock
that is my job
my place in things
weakness, fragility have no place here
this is what I've told myself for years
it is my mantra
my justification
a friend just surprised the hell out of me
by calling me on it
being a particularly perceptive fuck
I generally know what people are going to say
before they say it
but she floored me
and as I said to her
it hit a little too close to home
you see
I was raised old school
raised with duty and obligation coming before happiness
and you know
I am ok with that
really, truly
to me
at the most very basic
taking care of those I love
is what is important
if there is anything I have learned
it is that happiness is fleeting
but being there for someone
lasts forever
of course
I am selfish
I refuse to allow people to be there for me
and even when I do
it is ungraceful
begrudging
for all I talk about the value of family
I havent let my own family be there for me in years
my own pride necessitates remaining the rock
even with them
those two posts tonight
were probably the hardest thing I've done in a long time
not in the act of putting it to words
but rather sharing it
letting myself be exposed to that degree
because after all I am the king
and a king has little time for weakness and emotion
people often ask, sometimes in a round about way
what it is like to be the king
how one becomes the king
excetera excetera
being the king is not a privilege
it is an obligation
a duty and a choice
I look at those I love
and am proud to have to opportunity
to be there for them
truly, deeply
honored
in this world of materialism and self absorbtion
it is an act of sedition
treason
I stand for those I love
because
without them what am I?
what is a king without his subjects?
but a man with a silly hat
that is my job
my place in things
weakness, fragility have no place here
this is what I've told myself for years
it is my mantra
my justification
a friend just surprised the hell out of me
by calling me on it
being a particularly perceptive fuck
I generally know what people are going to say
before they say it
but she floored me
and as I said to her
it hit a little too close to home
you see
I was raised old school
raised with duty and obligation coming before happiness
and you know
I am ok with that
really, truly
to me
at the most very basic
taking care of those I love
is what is important
if there is anything I have learned
it is that happiness is fleeting
but being there for someone
lasts forever
of course
I am selfish
I refuse to allow people to be there for me
and even when I do
it is ungraceful
begrudging
for all I talk about the value of family
I havent let my own family be there for me in years
my own pride necessitates remaining the rock
even with them
those two posts tonight
were probably the hardest thing I've done in a long time
not in the act of putting it to words
but rather sharing it
letting myself be exposed to that degree
because after all I am the king
and a king has little time for weakness and emotion
people often ask, sometimes in a round about way
what it is like to be the king
how one becomes the king
excetera excetera
being the king is not a privilege
it is an obligation
a duty and a choice
I look at those I love
and am proud to have to opportunity
to be there for them
truly, deeply
honored
in this world of materialism and self absorbtion
it is an act of sedition
treason
I stand for those I love
because
without them what am I?
what is a king without his subjects?
but a man with a silly hat
(no subject)
Mar. 27th, 2005 10:21 pma dear friend hit the nail on the head
I keep going simply because
I know she would be pissed as hell at me
if I didnt
but I hurt
every day
something fierce
and I'm tired of it
tired of having to find the strength every day
to keep on going on
each day
it takes nearly everything I have
just to smile
just to pretend I am ok
no wonder I am completely full of shit
the first thing I do every morning
is lie to myself
the last thing I do every night
is lie myself to sleep
but fuck
I just cant get past it
I love her
I miss her
and I hate the world simply for existing without her
I keep going simply because
I know she would be pissed as hell at me
if I didnt
but I hurt
every day
something fierce
and I'm tired of it
tired of having to find the strength every day
to keep on going on
each day
it takes nearly everything I have
just to smile
just to pretend I am ok
no wonder I am completely full of shit
the first thing I do every morning
is lie to myself
the last thing I do every night
is lie myself to sleep
but fuck
I just cant get past it
I love her
I miss her
and I hate the world simply for existing without her
(no subject)
Mar. 27th, 2005 09:37 pmI am the definition of damaged goods
those few of you
who have met or talked with me
probably would be surprised
to hear this
but I'm a freaking wreck
there is a side of me
which no one
and I mean no one
ever sees
you see
in my heart of hearts
I pine for a woman
nearly ten years deceased
every day
I wonder why I do not simply end it all
to be with her again
and every day I struggle
to find a new excuse
to get me through the day
usually I rely upon my curiousity
that desire I have to see all the things
I have not yet seen
to do all the things I have not yet done
it is that tenous line
which keeps me bound to this existence
experience
I live each day
hoping to do something
interesting
amusing
worthwile
enough to justify a day separated from her
pathetic isnt it
that singular joy of my life
stolen from me that night
leaves me a broken husk
and now
I only pretend to care
the bottom line is
I am just going through the motions
living a pretend life
to fulfill my obligations
because none of it matters in the least to me anymore
my heart is broken
shattered
I'm not here anymore
just a drone
going through the motions
because it is what is expected of me
what else do I have?
most people I know
know little of love
have never experience a love
like I once had
two people completely on the same page
two bodies with one mind
I just cant seem to let go
cannot stop loving her
first and foremost
I am a broken doll in a world without duct tape
and now
nearing my thirtieth year
every day
I find it harder and harder
to find a fucking point for it all
a reason to bother with life
ten years
I have missed her
ten years
I still grieve
as if it was yesterday
will it ever end?
will I ever feel ok
feel less devastated
less broken
will my heart
my soul
ever stop bleeding
each day is harder than the one before it
each day the excuses, the rationales
seem less believable
but I
I am too much a coward
so instead
every day I pray for the worst
a truck swerving over the center line
those few of you
who have met or talked with me
probably would be surprised
to hear this
but I'm a freaking wreck
there is a side of me
which no one
and I mean no one
ever sees
you see
in my heart of hearts
I pine for a woman
nearly ten years deceased
every day
I wonder why I do not simply end it all
to be with her again
and every day I struggle
to find a new excuse
to get me through the day
usually I rely upon my curiousity
that desire I have to see all the things
I have not yet seen
to do all the things I have not yet done
it is that tenous line
which keeps me bound to this existence
experience
I live each day
hoping to do something
interesting
amusing
worthwile
enough to justify a day separated from her
pathetic isnt it
that singular joy of my life
stolen from me that night
leaves me a broken husk
and now
I only pretend to care
the bottom line is
I am just going through the motions
living a pretend life
to fulfill my obligations
because none of it matters in the least to me anymore
my heart is broken
shattered
I'm not here anymore
just a drone
going through the motions
because it is what is expected of me
what else do I have?
most people I know
know little of love
have never experience a love
like I once had
two people completely on the same page
two bodies with one mind
I just cant seem to let go
cannot stop loving her
first and foremost
I am a broken doll in a world without duct tape
and now
nearing my thirtieth year
every day
I find it harder and harder
to find a fucking point for it all
a reason to bother with life
ten years
I have missed her
ten years
I still grieve
as if it was yesterday
will it ever end?
will I ever feel ok
feel less devastated
less broken
will my heart
my soul
ever stop bleeding
each day is harder than the one before it
each day the excuses, the rationales
seem less believable
but I
I am too much a coward
so instead
every day I pray for the worst
a truck swerving over the center line
so yeah well
Mar. 25th, 2005 03:24 ambeen a long time since I updated here
thought I would give it a go
it feels rather foreign now
like waking up in bed with a stranger
and not having a clue how they got there
actually thats not a good metaphor
as that particular sensation is hardly foreign
not something I'm proud of mind you
but I've done my share of stupid things
[and probably yours too]
I've been very slammed with projects lately
I'm sure it will all work out as I desire
just feeling a bit of stress over it
I gave myself tonight off
went out and played some pool
hung out with the boys
hung out with the girls
then hung out with most anyone
drank far more than I usually allow myself
but all in all had a good time
doesnt it just figure
that only when I am working a plan to leave this town
do I start to develop a group of friends
oh well
just another thing to leave behind
story of my life it seems
leaving things behind
I have this fantasy of settling down
having a wife and children
but
in all honesty it is just that
a fantasy
I've never been the sort to stick around
stay in one place very long
I'd like to say I knew why
from time to time I have one rationale or another
but in the end they are just that
rationales
and in the end
I'm just as full of shit as everyone else
cry me a fucking river
I am oft to say
that it is good to be the king
and I suppose by comparison
it is indeed
god knows I wouldnt want most of your lives
but
at times it wears on me
expectations
mostly my own granted
but a handful of those of family and friends
no matter how much better
I do something than the rest of you
I always expect more of myself
I was playing pool with a friend tonight
he broke
dropped three balls after the break
then missed
I ran the table
dropping all seven of my balls
it was absolutely beautiful
but after the last shot
I was cursing because I did not leave the cue ball
where I wanted in order to shoot the eight
he told me to shut the fuck up
and
pocket the eight
I, of course, obliged
to be clear
while I'm no slouch a pool
I am also no where near an ace either
running a table like that
happens once, maybe twice a year
when the planets align
and I slip into the zone
most games, I get a good run
of three or four balls
and peicemeal the rest in ones and twos
aww fuck
I dont remember where I was going with this
my one track mind must be defective
too bad it is out of warranty
oh
and in other completely unrelated news
not that this will make the slightest bit of sense
to any of you, save one
but anyway
the email was sent
the reply was recieved
the answer was yes
thought I would give it a go
it feels rather foreign now
like waking up in bed with a stranger
and not having a clue how they got there
actually thats not a good metaphor
as that particular sensation is hardly foreign
not something I'm proud of mind you
but I've done my share of stupid things
[and probably yours too]
I've been very slammed with projects lately
I'm sure it will all work out as I desire
just feeling a bit of stress over it
I gave myself tonight off
went out and played some pool
hung out with the boys
hung out with the girls
then hung out with most anyone
drank far more than I usually allow myself
but all in all had a good time
doesnt it just figure
that only when I am working a plan to leave this town
do I start to develop a group of friends
oh well
just another thing to leave behind
story of my life it seems
leaving things behind
I have this fantasy of settling down
having a wife and children
but
in all honesty it is just that
a fantasy
I've never been the sort to stick around
stay in one place very long
I'd like to say I knew why
from time to time I have one rationale or another
but in the end they are just that
rationales
and in the end
I'm just as full of shit as everyone else
cry me a fucking river
I am oft to say
that it is good to be the king
and I suppose by comparison
it is indeed
god knows I wouldnt want most of your lives
but
at times it wears on me
expectations
mostly my own granted
but a handful of those of family and friends
no matter how much better
I do something than the rest of you
I always expect more of myself
I was playing pool with a friend tonight
he broke
dropped three balls after the break
then missed
I ran the table
dropping all seven of my balls
it was absolutely beautiful
but after the last shot
I was cursing because I did not leave the cue ball
where I wanted in order to shoot the eight
he told me to shut the fuck up
and
pocket the eight
I, of course, obliged
to be clear
while I'm no slouch a pool
I am also no where near an ace either
running a table like that
happens once, maybe twice a year
when the planets align
and I slip into the zone
most games, I get a good run
of three or four balls
and peicemeal the rest in ones and twos
aww fuck
I dont remember where I was going with this
my one track mind must be defective
too bad it is out of warranty
oh
and in other completely unrelated news
not that this will make the slightest bit of sense
to any of you, save one
but anyway
the email was sent
the reply was recieved
the answer was yes
and I suppose I owe yall something nearly resembling an explanation,
but I'm not going to do that, call it an abuse of royal privilege.
The short of it is that a bunch of stuff happened which I am not going into
that led to a few introspective realizations and to me abandoning my journal
while I rather suspected at the time it would not be permanent
my intention was for it to be an extended absence
unfortunately I suck and miss having this space to dump my thoughts
I tried an offline journal but I've never been good at those
and as some of you have noticed, over my spring break
drunkenness and boredom caused a lapse in discipline
so I've decided to stop faking it and be clear about where things stand.
I am officially deabandoning my journal however I have reprioritized the time I spend here
to be a much smaller focus of my time
what this means is that I will be posting and to some degree commenting
but my overall level of interaction will be significantly decreased
[meaning less time both reading and commenting on your journals or in response to your comments]
and for periods of time entirely absent.
This entire situation has been an internal process
and was neither instigated by or in response to any of you.
i.e. dont take any of my recent behavior to reflect on you or my opinion of you
if you were someone I considered a friend, you still are
even if I am, for my own reasons, deciding to limit our interaction
in order to focus on things I need to resolve and prioritize within myself.
In the time I have been gone, I have seen the beginnings of success
in addressing the issues which caused my departure from LJ
so as long as I am able to maintain that priority of focus
I am going to allow myself this space.
obviously I will be balancing the level of interaction
and time spent here based on how I feel it is affecting my day to day life
but in the future I will just simply adjust without all the drama
[my apologies for all that by the way]
so if I am absent for a while, it is just because real life has taken precedence
and you can be sure, I'll be back eventually.
but I'm not going to do that, call it an abuse of royal privilege.
The short of it is that a bunch of stuff happened which I am not going into
that led to a few introspective realizations and to me abandoning my journal
while I rather suspected at the time it would not be permanent
my intention was for it to be an extended absence
unfortunately I suck and miss having this space to dump my thoughts
I tried an offline journal but I've never been good at those
and as some of you have noticed, over my spring break
drunkenness and boredom caused a lapse in discipline
so I've decided to stop faking it and be clear about where things stand.
I am officially deabandoning my journal however I have reprioritized the time I spend here
to be a much smaller focus of my time
what this means is that I will be posting and to some degree commenting
but my overall level of interaction will be significantly decreased
[meaning less time both reading and commenting on your journals or in response to your comments]
and for periods of time entirely absent.
This entire situation has been an internal process
and was neither instigated by or in response to any of you.
i.e. dont take any of my recent behavior to reflect on you or my opinion of you
if you were someone I considered a friend, you still are
even if I am, for my own reasons, deciding to limit our interaction
in order to focus on things I need to resolve and prioritize within myself.
In the time I have been gone, I have seen the beginnings of success
in addressing the issues which caused my departure from LJ
so as long as I am able to maintain that priority of focus
I am going to allow myself this space.
obviously I will be balancing the level of interaction
and time spent here based on how I feel it is affecting my day to day life
but in the future I will just simply adjust without all the drama
[my apologies for all that by the way]
so if I am absent for a while, it is just because real life has taken precedence
and you can be sure, I'll be back eventually.
(no subject)
Feb. 21st, 2005 11:01 amNo I am not back
but I have precious few heros in this life
to neglect a proper tribute
when one leaves us.
Hunter S. Thompson commited suicide this morning
A legend in his own mind, and mine
his words and insights affected me greatly
not to mention his commitment to every form of debauchery
and his presence amongst us will be sorely missed
but I have precious few heros in this life
to neglect a proper tribute
when one leaves us.
Hunter S. Thompson commited suicide this morning
A legend in his own mind, and mine
his words and insights affected me greatly
not to mention his commitment to every form of debauchery
and his presence amongst us will be sorely missed
abdication
Jan. 30th, 2005 02:45 amyall deserve better
some of you far far better
unfortunately
I cannot give what I do not have
and so
I've nothing left to say
but that I am
sorry
truely, madly, deeply
I wish there was another way
I've stayed too long as it is
I adore you all
and
always will
and like that ... he was gone
some of you far far better
unfortunately
I cannot give what I do not have
and so
I've nothing left to say
but that I am
sorry
truely, madly, deeply
I wish there was another way
I've stayed too long as it is
I adore you all
and
always will
and like that ... he was gone
You wont find love in the city of angels
Jan. 29th, 2005 03:24 amspent most of the evening
doing research for one of my midterm essays
and then I decided
I needed a break
so I went out to the Capri
[one of the few halfway decent clubs in this town]
I ran into a guy I know from school
we played a few games of air hockey
then
I hit the dance floor
the music sucked at first
and I wasn't really getting into it
so I took a break
had a smoke
relaxed and downed a couple of drinks
the music picked back up
so I hit the floor
the music was just right
so I closed my eyes
and let it flow through me
not thinking just moving
falling into that wonderful trance like state
where the rest of the world falls away
and it is just you and the music
there was a longer than usual pause between songs
and someone shouting in my ear made me open my eyes
and come back to the present
I found a reasonably cute lil blonde girl nestled right up against me
[our legs staggered tightly together]
trying to start a conversation while the music was lulled
I was a little bit taken back
as it was like she just appeared in right in my space
but I got the impression from how she was standing
[and the semi-familiarity resulting from it]
that we had been dancing together
for how long I am not sure
my mind had been entirely turned off
as my body writhed and pulsed with the music
I smiled and chatted politely for a moment
waiting for the music to return
eager to get back to my place of ignorant bliss
I think she could sense my yearning was for something
other than her at that moment
for as the music slowly came back up
she stepped back
and wandered off as I fell back into the rhythm
I danced for a few more songs
unable to fall back into that daze
and decided to call it a night
as
I have a nine am meeting tomorrow
and
work the hill from one to six pm
and
now my lovelies
I am going to crash out
and have sweetly indecent dreams
of delicious lasses
if you're lucky
you can come join in
doing research for one of my midterm essays
and then I decided
I needed a break
so I went out to the Capri
[one of the few halfway decent clubs in this town]
I ran into a guy I know from school
we played a few games of air hockey
then
I hit the dance floor
the music sucked at first
and I wasn't really getting into it
so I took a break
had a smoke
relaxed and downed a couple of drinks
the music picked back up
so I hit the floor
the music was just right
so I closed my eyes
and let it flow through me
not thinking just moving
falling into that wonderful trance like state
where the rest of the world falls away
and it is just you and the music
there was a longer than usual pause between songs
and someone shouting in my ear made me open my eyes
and come back to the present
I found a reasonably cute lil blonde girl nestled right up against me
[our legs staggered tightly together]
trying to start a conversation while the music was lulled
I was a little bit taken back
as it was like she just appeared in right in my space
but I got the impression from how she was standing
[and the semi-familiarity resulting from it]
that we had been dancing together
for how long I am not sure
my mind had been entirely turned off
as my body writhed and pulsed with the music
I smiled and chatted politely for a moment
waiting for the music to return
eager to get back to my place of ignorant bliss
I think she could sense my yearning was for something
other than her at that moment
for as the music slowly came back up
she stepped back
and wandered off as I fell back into the rhythm
I danced for a few more songs
unable to fall back into that daze
and decided to call it a night
as
I have a nine am meeting tomorrow
and
work the hill from one to six pm
and
now my lovelies
I am going to crash out
and have sweetly indecent dreams
of delicious lasses
if you're lucky
you can come join in
Fact and Fiction
Jan. 25th, 2005 06:31 pmok so before I give yall the results
lemme just say
that two of you need to return to kindergarten
and learn how to count to three again
and
If you haven't taken the poll you can click here and take it before viewing the results if you wish.
( The Results )
Scoring:
The winner is![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kikamer with 2.5 points.
As promised you may sleep withmoderndayknight's fiancee whenever it is convenient for you to do so, I suggest you contact him directly to make arrangements. [and whatever he might say, it is entirely your choice whether you let him join in]
Second place is a tie at 2 points each:
damion & spikenheimer
Third place is a whole bunch of you all sharing 1.5 points:
[listed alphabetically]
_sacchi, darwinpolice, folterte, geektress, girl_on_a_stick, ignote, jennrh , jmichiko, lima_pcp, maryshelley, saveyoursanity, silentounce, sonicblue, the_anomalist, thoughtgolem, whatdot.
Fourth place with 1 point is shared by:
[again alphabetically]
acadiabaird, atillathehung, azul, campellconey, gryphon, hurricane_amy, jami, ludimagist, majorweather, nova_starr, resilience, spldbrat, supersoaker, zaiah.
And bringing up the rear with half a point scored is:
pr1ss
Shameful mention is of course reserved for:
hellarad & moderndayknight neither of whom was able to successfully count to three
lemme just say
that two of you need to return to kindergarten
and learn how to count to three again
and
If you haven't taken the poll you can click here and take it before viewing the results if you wish.
( The Results )
Scoring:
The winner is
kikamer with 2.5 points.As promised you may sleep with
moderndayknight's fiancee whenever it is convenient for you to do so, I suggest you contact him directly to make arrangements. [and whatever he might say, it is entirely your choice whether you let him join in]Second place is a tie at 2 points each:
damion & spikenheimerThird place is a whole bunch of you all sharing 1.5 points:
[listed alphabetically]
_sacchi, darwinpolice, folterte, geektress, girl_on_a_stick, ignote, jennrh , jmichiko, lima_pcp, maryshelley, saveyoursanity, silentounce, sonicblue, the_anomalist, thoughtgolem, whatdot.Fourth place with 1 point is shared by:
[again alphabetically]
acadiabaird, atillathehung, azul, campellconey, gryphon, hurricane_amy, jami, ludimagist, majorweather, nova_starr, resilience, spldbrat, supersoaker, zaiah.And bringing up the rear with half a point scored is:
pr1ss Shameful mention is of course reserved for:
hellarad & moderndayknight neither of whom was able to successfully count to threeno occifer
Jan. 24th, 2005 07:08 pmthere is no blood in my alcohol system
why dont you go in your own jackyard
and back off
why dont you go in your own jackyard
and back off
