(no subject)

[plural]

I am the definition of damaged goods

those few of you
who have met or talked with me
probably would be surprised
to hear this

but I'm a freaking wreck

there is a side of me
which no one
and I mean no one
ever sees

you see
in my heart of hearts
I pine for a woman
nearly ten years deceased

every day
I wonder why I do not simply end it all
to be with her again

and every day I struggle
to find a new excuse
to get me through the day

usually I rely upon my curiousity
that desire I have to see all the things
I have not yet seen
to do all the things I have not yet done

it is that tenous line
which keeps me bound to this existence

experience

I live each day
hoping to do something
interesting
amusing
worthwile
enough to justify a day separated from her

pathetic isnt it

that singular joy of my life
stolen from me that night
leaves me a broken husk

and now
I only pretend to care

the bottom line is
I am just going through the motions

living a pretend life
to fulfill my obligations

because none of it matters in the least to me anymore

my heart is broken

shattered

I'm not here anymore

just a drone
going through the motions

because it is what is expected of me

what else do I have?

most people I know
know little of love
have never experience a love
like I once had

two people completely on the same page
two bodies with one mind

I just cant seem to let go
cannot stop loving her
first and foremost

I am a broken doll in a world without duct tape

and now
nearing my thirtieth year
every day
I find it harder and harder
to find a fucking point for it all

a reason to bother with life

ten years

I have missed her

ten years

I still grieve

as if it was yesterday

will it ever end?

will I ever feel ok
feel less devastated
less broken

will my heart
my soul
ever stop bleeding

each day is harder than the one before it
each day the excuses, the rationales
seem less believable

but I

I am too much a coward

so instead
every day I pray for the worst

a truck swerving over the center line

Comments

[maryshelley.livejournal.com]

maybe you are using this as an excuse not to get on with your life.:( who knows.

sounds like you were very young when it happened.

we tend to romatisize the things we experienced as young.

the kind of love you speak of is rear, but not impossible.
i am lucky to have it wiht my husband.
i dread the thought of ever loosing him and having to go on with my life. i dont' think i could.

[girl-on-a-stick.livejournal.com]

"every day
I wonder why I do not simply end it all
to be with her again"

Because that's not what she would have wanted.

[plural.livejournal.com]

you hit the nail on the head

she actually said as much to me once

not that I think she was prophetic

just one of those random conversations

she said that if something happened to her
and I didnt go on and live a full life
she would come back and kick my ass

but fuck if I dont miss her something fierce
and I'm just tired of it
tired of being without her
tired of always feeling like I've just had the shit kicked out of my heart by the entire roman army

[girl-on-a-stick.livejournal.com]

Maybe giving up the facade, like you're doing here, is the best way to make it through?

[plural.livejournal.com]

maybe

I dont know

everyone told me it would get better in time

time heals all wounds

and all that shit

but it never stops hurting

never stops feeling like it happened yesterday

[girl-on-a-stick.livejournal.com]

"time heals all wounds"

That is bullshit. Anyone who said that hasn't experienced true loss.

It never heals, never goes away. But you find a way to live with it the best you can, try to learn something from it, take away whatever positive things you can find.

[plural.livejournal.com]

agreed

but I just wonder when I wont feel so damn broken anymore

ten years I have cried
mourned

talked to friends
shrinks

the only way I've found to live with it
is to lie to myself

stuff it all in a box

cause it never gets better
never lessens

my heart lives in a meat grinder
and
I just dont know what to do anymore

I cant imagine another forty years like this
fuck
I cant imagine another year like this

forget being happy

my dreams arent so lofty

I just cant hurt like this

Don't give up just yet.

[amazonwoman.livejournal.com]

It's incredibly sad and hurtful and there's not really anything we can do to make you feel better especially if after this amount of time you still feel this way. Can you find any comfort in knowing she may be waiting for you up there? Is this something you might believe?

She might be gone, but you aren't and obviously the thought of her is still very much alive, I hope you are grateful you have had the chance to experience this kind of love, because you are very very lucky, I know sounds shit I know, considering the circumstances but I hope you can find some way for those thoughts of her and your memories to comfort you and bring a smile to your face or make you laugh, maybe something in your life could've happened to prevent you two ever coming together and none of what you had could've existed, maybe, maybe, maybe.

For a man of your wise words we can't be suprised you hold feelings like this, you've felt the very bottom of hurt and pain and you translate those times into lessons for us, maybe one day you will get a taste of your own medicine, and hopefully it will be sweet and not so bitter tasting anymore.

[campbellconey.livejournal.com]

well said. and that's what i was going to tell you too, mi rey. you can't end it all because she would never want that for you. and who's to say if you did that, when you saw her again, she wouldn't be furious at you for wasting your life. you are a really amazing person. you have too many people who would miss you dreadfully. don't make others feel the depth of pain that you experience from her loss. :-(

[cynica.livejournal.com]

Wow, I can't imagine how hard it must be to have experienced this. I have lost love, but I have never lost while in love.

[tydestra.livejournal.com]

You say you live your life something akin to a drone, isn't that in a sense a disrespect to her memory - to be clearer, wouldn't she rail at you for doing the things you do now with such detatchment?

[zaiah.livejournal.com]

Jumping in where not asked...

I could see how the use of words might lead one to think that.. and I want a well lived and enjoyed life for plural too.. and would not be against saying something to poke at the mind to get it to lurch..

..but I think that he greatly understates his life to say 'living it as a drone.'

He still gives all to the moment's considerations.. find some joy in completeing the responsibilities.. makes it through they day in the ways that he can which is occasionally enjoyed or smiled over.

It's the lie to put yourself to sleep and to get you out of bed.. that, I would imagine, is the feeling of greatest betrayal..

To my thinking there is naught for him to feel chastened for in life.. except to learn to find joy and peace with it.

[tydestra.livejournal.com]

Oui, I would've worded that better. Alas, I think that she would be upset (hell he even said as much, I read the post once more) - I know I would be.

[35.livejournal.com]

:(

[http://users.livejournal.com/_sacchi/]

Maybe you need to accept the fact that you will never stop missing her, not entirely.

These kind of things never stop hurting. You begin to learn to keep on living, as you have for the most part, but they don't just disappear.

I'm here if you need me.

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

those few of you
who have met or talked with me
probably would be surprised
to hear this


Heh.

H and I have been telling you that for years...

As she told me she said to you recently, "While you are extremely smart, one day you will wake up and find wisdom..."

[nandan.livejournal.com]

I don't think we ever experience anything that can come close to young love, and I guess, young tragedy. Probably only having children would come close.