(no subject)

[plural]

I am the definition of damaged goods

those few of you
who have met or talked with me
probably would be surprised
to hear this

but I'm a freaking wreck

there is a side of me
which no one
and I mean no one
ever sees

you see
in my heart of hearts
I pine for a woman
nearly ten years deceased

every day
I wonder why I do not simply end it all
to be with her again

and every day I struggle
to find a new excuse
to get me through the day

usually I rely upon my curiousity
that desire I have to see all the things
I have not yet seen
to do all the things I have not yet done

it is that tenous line
which keeps me bound to this existence

experience

I live each day
hoping to do something
interesting
amusing
worthwile
enough to justify a day separated from her

pathetic isnt it

that singular joy of my life
stolen from me that night
leaves me a broken husk

and now
I only pretend to care

the bottom line is
I am just going through the motions

living a pretend life
to fulfill my obligations

because none of it matters in the least to me anymore

my heart is broken

shattered

I'm not here anymore

just a drone
going through the motions

because it is what is expected of me

what else do I have?

most people I know
know little of love
have never experience a love
like I once had

two people completely on the same page
two bodies with one mind

I just cant seem to let go
cannot stop loving her
first and foremost

I am a broken doll in a world without duct tape

and now
nearing my thirtieth year
every day
I find it harder and harder
to find a fucking point for it all

a reason to bother with life

ten years

I have missed her

ten years

I still grieve

as if it was yesterday

will it ever end?

will I ever feel ok
feel less devastated
less broken

will my heart
my soul
ever stop bleeding

each day is harder than the one before it
each day the excuses, the rationales
seem less believable

but I

I am too much a coward

so instead
every day I pray for the worst

a truck swerving over the center line