It is the name of god which breathes life into the golem

[plural]

I am a private person

even within this place
where I share far more than anywhere else

I exercise distinct control
choosing each word with deliberation

It is not what someone knows about me that I fear
but how they will use it
for perhaps unlike most
I have much to lose
and
more importantly
others have much to lose
from my failures

if it were only my price to pay
I would find it much easier
to believe
to share
to trust

while I can risk what is mine
I cannot take risks with what is not

and that is the crux of it

unfortunately people have emotions
too many times have I seen people
betray the trust invested in them
not out of malice
but desperation, emotion, weakness

It is this I fear, not malice
not evil intent
but simply their humanity

and it is that which necessitates my walls
requires me to circle the wagons
on such a constant basis

have you ever made an error
of particularly grievous consequences
but whose consequences were not yours to bear
no matter how much you wish it
you can not take the burden of your error onto yourself
and instead must watch someone else carry it
a situation once done, you cannot rectify
no matter how hard you try?

it is this I worry about
for it is always with me
my failures hurt other people
it is the curse of my birthright

most of my life
I tried to escape this burden
wished that my actions could affect only me
as a young man I stratified my social groups
refusing to allow interaction between them

the idea was to limit the flow of information
to give me a place where I could be myself
without worrying of the consequences to others

it worked well as a young man
but as an adult, it failed miserably
so I altered my strategy
I moved to an unfamiliar place
in order to increase the distance
between my life and my obligations
an attempt to give me some breathing room

it was all folly
we cannot escape who we are
no matter how we try
the cards are dealt
the odds are fixed
the house always wins

but that did not stop me
from trying anyway

in my arrogance I thought I could beat the system
thought I could find a way
to have my cake and eat it too

like all my mistakes
it was someone else who paid the price

for all I talk of loyalty
it was I who committed the grand betrayal

for six months
I lived under an assumed name
apartment, phone, car and job
friends and a girlfriend
all belonging to someone else

a fiction, my tribute to mary shelley
in the naive arrogance of youth
thinking I could do one better.

foolishly believing I could master fiction
create two separate lives, each free of the other
all in the pursuit of happiness and being "myself"

but the weight of that deception I could not bear
especially the guilt of loving a woman
who did not even know my name

finally when I could no longer bear it
I came clean to her, told her of my deception and the reasons for it
it was over between us, what we had
I crushed, debased, destroyed with my lies
but even then, with her eyes torn by tears
her throat choked with rage and sorrow
did I deny her

I performed my duty, upheld my obligation
and inspite of her pleas
I refused her my name
packed my bags and moved on

I've never forgiven myself for her
that single act of cruelty

in the dark of night
sitting alone
I wish I had chosen simply to disappear
or fabricate some illusion to explain my leaving
then vanish into the night
leaving her at least with a bittersweet memory

I suppose at the time, my own sense of honor
felt an obligation to own up to what I had done
to face the music
feel the brunt of her wrath

I should have allowed that frankenstein
to fade quietly away, but I did not

I was selfish
in my guilt, my foolish pride
I did not grant her the only one of my lies
which would not have been selfish
which could give her any comfort

I have no right even to repent
this cruelty
let alone seek forgiveness

I wish I could say I learned from this
found some way to balance my life and obligation
but I have not
I have only learned to make different mistakes

forgoing the grand deception
for the little ones

refusing to admit that my humanity will always take a back seat
to playing that hand which I was dealt

so I repeat the lie in my heart
reserving my cruelty for those I love most

Comments

[softest-fire.livejournal.com]

truth , beauty and what not. i quite enjoyed this in my melancholy state. i added you. im just telling you cos you asked to be alerted. well then.

[random-llama.livejournal.com]

You've been averaging two depressed posts per day for a while now and your blue period seems to be going on for longer than normal.
I know you have a host of sympathetic readers who have been offering kind advice and I have nothing useful to type that hasn't been said to you many times before.
I just wanted to say that I'm a little worried.
Please take care.

[plural.livejournal.com]

*soft smile*

I am mostly ok actually
I wasnt for a day or two there
but now I'm mostly just sorting stuff through

your concern is noted and appreciated
and I promise to do my best
[in taking care]

[zaiah.livejournal.com]

I think the response I received recently when I described the responsibilities of family life and job and school and now showing the dogs nd cats and horses... is appropriate for you too..

'Why not buy a flogger? It's cheaper.'