plural

Commentary by Lore Sjöberg

Events are taking place. Disturbing events. World-shaking events. Fortunes are at stake. Countries are at stake. The survival of the most adorable life forms on the planet are at stake. Blogs and news sites across the web host message boards yearning for your commentary.

You owe it to everyone to let them know what you think, and by extension what they should think. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good people fail to register.

You may be impaired by -- among other things -- the lack of an actual opinion on the subject at hand. That's OK, opinions are filthy, malodorous things that tend to fall apart under close examination. What you need is something that appears to be an opinion without actually requiring defense, justification or rational thought.

While you're wasting time considering context and relevant factors, lesser minds are beating you to the Submit button. This simple guide to posting on message boards requires no more contemplation than is necessary to microwave popcorn.

The One-Issue Poster
You may not have an opinion about the current issue, but everyone has an opinion about something, whether it's international trade, domestic education or the way cakes in the grocery store look really good but taste like frosted teddy bear fur. Luckily, everything is connected on some tenuous level, so there's no reason to talk about things you don't care about.

The easiest approach is to blame a current or former politician for everything that goes wrong. But even if there's no conceivable connection, you can always take the digression express: "The war between Belgium and Finland only adds chaos to a world already torn by the lack of good delivery pizza in the East Bay."

The Enigma
Don't want to take a stand on a controversial issue, but are dying to contribute to the conversation anyway? Just share a single, vaguely pertinent fact. Context-free data is to an online discussion as raw meat is to a cage full of starving Rottweilers and indignant vegetarians. Say you're looking at an article about gun control. Just pop in and say, "Over 10,000 unarmed people are shot to death by criminals each year."

Are you in favor of gun control or against it? You're not saying, but people on both sides will leap to the attack. You'll be the belle of the brawl. By the way, I just made that statistic up. You can go ahead and make up your statistics, too. It just gives people more to argue about.

The In-Joker
At any given moment, approximately 400 catch phrases are circulating on the web. You don't need any actual wit to adopt one. Even if you're not up on the latest gags, you can always fall back on these standbys: "I, for one, welcome our new (subject of article) overlords." "Needs more cowbell." Or simply "Owned!"

This serves two purposes. First, it establishes you as a hipster and wry lover of textual hi-jinks. Secondly, these jokes sometimes appear to the casual observer to be making a keen satirical point.

Note: "All your base are belong to us" is a tempting catch phrase, but resist. This phrase will mark you as dated and out of touch, at least until November 2008, when the phrase will become meta-ironically hip.

The Cynic
This is one of the easiest techniques, and one of the most powerful. Just remember this handy phrase: "What did you expect?" Did the president get caught trading endangered tiger skins for high-grade heroin? "What did you expect? Politicians are all corrupt." Did tornadoes grind Topeka into a fine, wheat-scented powder? "What did you expect? It's in the middle of tornado country." Did alien amphibians descend upon Canada and devour everyone amid bilingual pleas for mercy? "Come on, there are 100 billion stars in the galaxy. Did you really expect that not one of them would be home to carnivorous toad-people?"

Because everything you're "predicting" has already happened, nobody can prove you wrong!

You can pick just one of these techniques, or cycle through all of them. Either way, you'll have something to add to any subject, no matter how esoteric, complex or boring. Enjoy.

- - -

Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Christian Fitzgerald Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an author, columnist and animist.

Is waterproof cigarettes.
( A semi-rough draft of an article I'm submitting to my uni paper )

Apparently I can put away my tinfoil hat now
[aww and I had just got it all shiny too]

I hosted a New Years Eve cocktail party
bought a case of bubbly for a champagne fountain

whipped up a fabulous dip bar

On the dipping side

I had the following dips

Creamy herb (zesty)
Cheddar and roasted peppers (savory)
Bruschetta (mmm mmm good)
Black bean and white corn salsa (mild)
Jalepeno Salsa (four alarm)
Chile con Queso (a sneaky four alarm)
Creamy Artichoke (served hot mmm)

And the following dippees

Crostini
Pita chips
Old school tortilla chips
A bevy of veggies

For finger foods

Risotto balls
Sun dried tomato tarts
Pesto twisties
Cajun quesadillas (sliced into 16ths)

and of course
a tray of mammoth olives

for dessert

Champagne fountain and a variety of chocolates.

( a few photos )

Quick question for all my techophiles

I have a sony DVD/RW +- burner installed in my client machine.
[EIDE]

It reads and writes cds just fine
It will neither read nor write dvds
[it used to do both]

unfortunately reading or writing dvds is something I do rarely
mostly use it for the occasional archive or file transfer
so I have now clue when it stopped working.

when I insert either a dvd I've burned or a movie I've bought
it just says "please insert a disc into drive"

I've spent an hour testing read/write for both dvd and cd
but other than that I've not put much time into it
[I just discovered it and since I have an exam at 9am tomorrow]
[I dont have much drinking time left tonight]

but if anyone has an idea or thought
as to what might be the problem or solution
I'd love to hear your thoughts.

your plural

Dinner parties are something I greatly enjoy having
some have said I excel at them
so I thought I'd share the process with yall
let you in on the work in progress
instead of my usual glamorous fait accompli

As you can imagine the first step is inviting the guests
this is however not nearly as simple as it sounds
for the goal of a dinner party
is not, contrary to popular opinion to eat good food

a memorable dinner party is a social affair
and social interaction, conversation even, is of primary import

I always select my guests with careful consideration
attempting to balance out their various strengths and flaws
but also ensuring to avoid inviting a bore

I use two definitions of bore here
the first and lesser is quite simply, a person who, when you ask how they are, tells you
the second and more severe is a person who cannot enjoy having their opinion discussed and challenged
such a person is a plague upon a dinner party because they shut down any conversation
after providing their opinion

so after avoiding bores, I attempt to balance out people of various political and social perspectives and backgrounds
but keeping in mind that there will be enough commonality to encourage discussion
after all if every discussion is stillborn with the statement
"lets agree to disagree" its hardly any fun.

the second step goes along with the first
in that one must query for dislikes, allergies or other such dietary restrictions

it is key however to note
that a proper dinner party cannot be accommodated
without at least a week to plan
one must leave wiggle room for the inevitable snags
and nothing perfect can ever be rushed

that said, the date set, the guests invited

then one must plan the menu
take into account not only your skill
[fortunately I have ample]
but also your available space
and the number of guests
as that will affect how complex or simple
your menu can be

Preparing even the simplest of menus
for say 45 guests is quite a challenge

while for 6 guests you can go all out

I tend to prefer smaller dinner parties
as I enjoy being somewhat extravagant

I have for this occasion invited six people to join me
three men, and three women
normally I would have an even number but I wanted to leave a slot open
for someone I've not yet had the opportunity to invite

Unless it is particularly spectacular occasion
I generally use the following format

Aperitif
Appetizers (usually two)

Wine
Entree
Sides (usually two)

Dessert
Cocktails (usually three)

Too many courses or too much food
tend to overwhelm and require most of your time serving
so unless you have household staff
it is better that you spend your time with your guests

So for this particular occasion

I'm thinking of the following menu
I'm breaking a few of my own rules here as I have both vegetarian guests and normal people [duck]
but rather than provide a vegetarian menu, I decided to produce side by side menus

Aperitif:
Georgia Sparkles - Brut with a hint of peach schnapps

Appetizers:
Beggars Purses - Flats of smoked salmon lox filled with capers and a dollop of cream, then folder and bound with a chilled leek

Nova Neapolitan - Potato pancakes layered with smoked salmon lox, sour cream and capers

Baked Brie with Pesto and Pine Nuts - Round of brie topped with pesto and pine nuts, then baked and served with Crostini

[I could and probably should ditch the first and keep it simple]
[but they are a personal favorite of mine]
[unfortunately as you need precise two inch squares]
[for perfect presentation, it tends to be wasteful]
[so I devised the second app as a way of using up the left over lox]
[without over complicating either the palette or my shopping list]

Wine:
I've not yet entirely decided on the wine yet
I need both white and red wine but a pairing that will both match the food
and each other should the need arise so it will be a delicate choice

Entrees:
Breaded breasts of Chicken - stuffed with wild mushrooms and brie then garnished with a tomato and basil sauce
Breaded filets of eggplant - layered with wild mushrooms and brie then garnished with a tomato and basil sauce
[nearly identical to give a similar culinary experience while meeting dietary requirements]

Sides:
Pan seared vegetable medley - Red, yellow, orange and green peppers tossed with button and portabella mushroom and pan-seared to perfection.

Roasted potato medley - Oven-roasted red, gold and sweet potatoes marinated in a blush wine vinaigrette and fresh rosemary.

Dessert:

Black Raspberry Marbled Cheesecake - Creamy cheesecake marbled with Chambord

Cocktails:

Sex on the Pool Table
Triple sec, Peach schnapps, Chambord, Midori, & Grapefruit juice

Voodoo Doll
Vodka, Chambord, Orange juice & Cranberry juice

Sex under the boardwalk
Peach schnapps, Chambord, Midori

So this is my tentative plan
The party is scheduled for Sunday evening
[an odd time but it was the only day which worked]

That means tonight is verification
I need to check my stocks and make a grocery list

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I will go to the grocery store
and verify that all my planned ingredients are readily available
but I will wait until friday to actually purchase them
[so that they are as fresh as possible]

Thursday is to deal with any problems
make modifications should anything not be available
[although the only items which might be tricky to obtain]
[I already possess ample quantities so it should not be a problem here]

Friday I'll do the shopping

Saturday is my prep day
I'll slice all my vegetables
chop the roasting potatoes
and grate those for the pancakes
prepare my sauces
make the cheesecake

Sunday is game day
dinner is set for 7:30
which means I need to start cooking around 2pm
so I will have all of my grooming done before then
and set out the clothes I will wear for the party
[but I'll wear different clothes while cooking]
[just to be on the safe side]

well I will end this here
but continue to update as the process continues
so you can see my various stresses and adjustments

On sunday I will provide a detailed explanation of the cooking processes
and
god willing on monday [should I be sober by then]

photos of a glorious night

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.