What the world needs now.
Jan. 25th, 2006 09:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pluralIs waterproof cigarettes.
You see, I had just finished masturbating in the shower, when it occured to me; the world needs waterproof cigarettes. As you may have guessed, I smoke and like many people who smoke, I particularly enjoy having a cigarette after sex. Sure it is always more enjoyable when there is another person to share it with you (the sex I mean although I dont mind sharing a cigarette either) but a cigarette always seems like the perfect way to relax after an orgasm.
I was in post-coital bliss (does that apply when you are alone? probably not but oh well) and it occured me that I would love a cigarette about now. Unfortunately I was in the shower and seeing as I had jumped the gun and had yet to accomplish my intended purpose of cleaning myself, and it seemed rather silly to get out of the shower, have a cigarette and then get back in. So as I stood there washing my balls, I pondered on just how useful a waterproof cigarette would be. I could smoke in the shower, while swimming or relaxing in a hot tub, and I would no longer have to worry about my cigarettes falling apart in the rain.
Now, as most of you know, I think quite highly of myself, particularly my intellectual capacities, but this particular idea seemed so simple that I was astounded that no one else had thought of it yet. Not to mention that the tobacco companies pay millions of dollars to highly intelligent people, at least one of whom has to be nearly as smart as me, to research improvements to their products. I let my mind wander down the path of trying to figure out why someone had not already invented waterproof cigarettes and why, instead of being forced to wallow in my brilliance, I couldnt be smoking one in the shower at this very moment.
It occured to me that perhaps they had already invented a waterproof cigarette but did not think enough people would buy them to make it profitable, but I dismissed that idea as preposterous. I mean come on, who wouldnt want a waterproof cigarette? Well, non-smokers I suppose, but I doubt they buy many cigarettes anyway. It occured to me, that perhaps all of these lawsuits against the cigarette manufacturers had taken away money from research, maybe my dream of a waterproof cigarette was sitting neglected on shelf for lack of research dollars because some idiot didnt realize that lighting something on fire and sucking on it, was probably not incredibly good for your health.
However, I recalled that most of the ex-smoker lawsuits had not gone anywhere, and that the big winners in anti-smoking lawsuits were individual states, suing the manufacturers to recoup the added cost to the health care system. That makes sense, I grudgingly acknowledged, I mean, If I am a dumbass and choose to do something bad for my health, then I shouldnt really expect intelligent people who refrain from smoking to pay for it right? So I thought, well, maybe we should enact a system by which smokers can opt out of receiving treatment by government health care plans for smoking related illnesses. Then not only would I get my waterproof cigarettes but the insane taxes (around 7 dollars a pack in Nova Scotia) which the governments tack on to cigarette prices to pay for those health costs could be reduced. I'd get my waterproof cigarettes and cheap too. What a great idea.
Of course, when ones mind is wandering after sex, especially if you dont have a nice cigarette to focus on, it can be fairly difficult to keep it from leaping down side tangents. It next occured to me, why limit it to smokers. I mean, I also like my booze, why not let me waive my right to government funded medical treatment for alcohol related illnesses, in exchange for reduced taxes on booze. That way I can have my booze and my cigarettes, smoke and drink myself into a beautiful state of bliss and the rest of you dont have to pay a dime for it. At this point my mind was on fire, this idea had taken hold and was running ahead at full speed. Just imagine, cigarettes at $3 a pack and a bottle of bourbon for twenty bucks, can you say heaven on earth? Like a car hurtling down a side street at 160kmph, my mind wasnt stopping any time soon.
What would happen, I imagined, if everyone did this? If everyone took responsibility for their unhealthy pleasures and agreed not to ask the rest of us to pay for them? Hell, in that case even Uganda could afford universal health care. I mean lets be honest here, we tax cigarettes to cover the costs of treating lung cancer and emphysema, and tax alcohol to cover the costs of treating alcoholism and liver disease, but thats it. What about all the other things people do which incur long term health effects and cost our health care system oodles of money. If we taxed Burger King for the health care costs related to obesity, a whopper would cost 25 bucks and the packaging would be covered in pictures of your engorged arteries with catchy slogans like "Being overweight can reduce your chance of getting laid" and "Its called exercise, just do it".
People do all sorts of things, many of them unhealthy for them, but somehow only some of us are being taken to task for our bad decisions. I think its past time people took responsibility for their decisions. I mean none of you would listen me making excuses for not being able to run because I smoke, or forgetting her name because I am drunk, but somehow that doesnt apply to other unhealthy behaviors. Nearly everywhere I go, I see signs and billboards telling me to quit smoking, some with a picture of a man looking depressed because he couldnt get it up. How come I dont see any signs that say "Run Fatass Run" or a billboard with a picture of an alien and the caption "When they come, they'll eat the fat ones first".
You know, now that I think of it, maybe what the world needs now isnt a waterproof cigarette. Maybe we just need people to take responsibility for their own choices, whether good or bad, and stop expecting the rest of us to pay for them. I know what you are thinking, how naive do I have to be imagine a world where people might actually take responsibility for their actions? Pretty naive, I'm sure, but take a moment and just imagine such a world exists, picture it in your head, looks pretty good doesnt it. Of course there is always a downside, in such a utopia I would never have written this article, because a world that good would have waterproof cigarettes.
You see, I had just finished masturbating in the shower, when it occured to me; the world needs waterproof cigarettes. As you may have guessed, I smoke and like many people who smoke, I particularly enjoy having a cigarette after sex. Sure it is always more enjoyable when there is another person to share it with you (the sex I mean although I dont mind sharing a cigarette either) but a cigarette always seems like the perfect way to relax after an orgasm.
I was in post-coital bliss (does that apply when you are alone? probably not but oh well) and it occured me that I would love a cigarette about now. Unfortunately I was in the shower and seeing as I had jumped the gun and had yet to accomplish my intended purpose of cleaning myself, and it seemed rather silly to get out of the shower, have a cigarette and then get back in. So as I stood there washing my balls, I pondered on just how useful a waterproof cigarette would be. I could smoke in the shower, while swimming or relaxing in a hot tub, and I would no longer have to worry about my cigarettes falling apart in the rain.
Now, as most of you know, I think quite highly of myself, particularly my intellectual capacities, but this particular idea seemed so simple that I was astounded that no one else had thought of it yet. Not to mention that the tobacco companies pay millions of dollars to highly intelligent people, at least one of whom has to be nearly as smart as me, to research improvements to their products. I let my mind wander down the path of trying to figure out why someone had not already invented waterproof cigarettes and why, instead of being forced to wallow in my brilliance, I couldnt be smoking one in the shower at this very moment.
It occured to me that perhaps they had already invented a waterproof cigarette but did not think enough people would buy them to make it profitable, but I dismissed that idea as preposterous. I mean come on, who wouldnt want a waterproof cigarette? Well, non-smokers I suppose, but I doubt they buy many cigarettes anyway. It occured to me, that perhaps all of these lawsuits against the cigarette manufacturers had taken away money from research, maybe my dream of a waterproof cigarette was sitting neglected on shelf for lack of research dollars because some idiot didnt realize that lighting something on fire and sucking on it, was probably not incredibly good for your health.
However, I recalled that most of the ex-smoker lawsuits had not gone anywhere, and that the big winners in anti-smoking lawsuits were individual states, suing the manufacturers to recoup the added cost to the health care system. That makes sense, I grudgingly acknowledged, I mean, If I am a dumbass and choose to do something bad for my health, then I shouldnt really expect intelligent people who refrain from smoking to pay for it right? So I thought, well, maybe we should enact a system by which smokers can opt out of receiving treatment by government health care plans for smoking related illnesses. Then not only would I get my waterproof cigarettes but the insane taxes (around 7 dollars a pack in Nova Scotia) which the governments tack on to cigarette prices to pay for those health costs could be reduced. I'd get my waterproof cigarettes and cheap too. What a great idea.
Of course, when ones mind is wandering after sex, especially if you dont have a nice cigarette to focus on, it can be fairly difficult to keep it from leaping down side tangents. It next occured to me, why limit it to smokers. I mean, I also like my booze, why not let me waive my right to government funded medical treatment for alcohol related illnesses, in exchange for reduced taxes on booze. That way I can have my booze and my cigarettes, smoke and drink myself into a beautiful state of bliss and the rest of you dont have to pay a dime for it. At this point my mind was on fire, this idea had taken hold and was running ahead at full speed. Just imagine, cigarettes at $3 a pack and a bottle of bourbon for twenty bucks, can you say heaven on earth? Like a car hurtling down a side street at 160kmph, my mind wasnt stopping any time soon.
What would happen, I imagined, if everyone did this? If everyone took responsibility for their unhealthy pleasures and agreed not to ask the rest of us to pay for them? Hell, in that case even Uganda could afford universal health care. I mean lets be honest here, we tax cigarettes to cover the costs of treating lung cancer and emphysema, and tax alcohol to cover the costs of treating alcoholism and liver disease, but thats it. What about all the other things people do which incur long term health effects and cost our health care system oodles of money. If we taxed Burger King for the health care costs related to obesity, a whopper would cost 25 bucks and the packaging would be covered in pictures of your engorged arteries with catchy slogans like "Being overweight can reduce your chance of getting laid" and "Its called exercise, just do it".
People do all sorts of things, many of them unhealthy for them, but somehow only some of us are being taken to task for our bad decisions. I think its past time people took responsibility for their decisions. I mean none of you would listen me making excuses for not being able to run because I smoke, or forgetting her name because I am drunk, but somehow that doesnt apply to other unhealthy behaviors. Nearly everywhere I go, I see signs and billboards telling me to quit smoking, some with a picture of a man looking depressed because he couldnt get it up. How come I dont see any signs that say "Run Fatass Run" or a billboard with a picture of an alien and the caption "When they come, they'll eat the fat ones first".
You know, now that I think of it, maybe what the world needs now isnt a waterproof cigarette. Maybe we just need people to take responsibility for their own choices, whether good or bad, and stop expecting the rest of us to pay for them. I know what you are thinking, how naive do I have to be imagine a world where people might actually take responsibility for their actions? Pretty naive, I'm sure, but take a moment and just imagine such a world exists, picture it in your head, looks pretty good doesnt it. Of course there is always a downside, in such a utopia I would never have written this article, because a world that good would have waterproof cigarettes.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-01-25 03:36 pm (UTC)whoever said smokers are bad decision makers!?
Date: 2006-01-25 06:43 pm (UTC)I used to have a dream that if I had lots of disposable income I'd buy billboards that said "Be Responsible" or "You are responsible for your actions". (if you look here and scroll down (or just ctrl f and put in responsible) you will see I wrote this a while ago . . .))
I hope your balls are really clean.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-26 05:11 am (UTC)Yeah call me an idealist but I'm a big sucker for personal responsibility, I've brought it up several times in my journal but this is the first article for public consumption.
I hope your balls are really clean.
Clean enough for you to eat off them, well actually, you probably should brush your teeth first because comparatively your mouth is dirtier.
Oh and they're minty too.
*wicked grin*
no subject
Date: 2006-01-26 05:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-26 03:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-26 05:59 am (UTC)And I don't even smoke.