I am a cold hearted bastard ... or ... maybe I just don't like people who selfishly toy with others

[plural]

a faux tragedy averted
millions relieved

personally
I favor suicide

I think as many of you
who want to off yourselves
the better

saves us the trouble
and create some space
for people who will do
something besides create
drama

I am a cold hearted son of a bitch

popping
a bunch of pills
on your web cam and
posting your intentions in your journal
is definitely
a cry for help
and
desperate for attention

people who are
serious about
killing themselves
do so,
and you don't know
a damn thing is wrong
till you read about it in the paper

[or find the body]

pathetic people
who do not have the courage
of their convictions
attempt suicide

quite frankly folks
killing yourself
or another person for that matter
is quite easy

if you fail in the attempt
you either
just wanted attention
and to create drama
or
you are some-ungodly-kinda-screwup

take this person
who decided to
take a bunch of pills
and flop around on their
web cam until their
friends managed in a panic
to gather together and get
the police and "save" her.

it must feel good
to have all those peoples
emotions tied around your finger
people rushing home and frantically
calling police officers halfway across the country

I say
fuck you
you selfish little twit

Life sucks
deal with it

if you need
attention
or
feel down

talk to people
talk to those people
who scurried about
in worry while you laid there
they seem to think
they are your friends

I do not know
why you are sad,
but I do know
you had no intention
of killing yourself
so
that only leaves
this whole mess
to be
a pathetic ploy
for attention

you make me
sick that you
could be so damn
self absorbed to
pull a stunt like this
put other people who
care about you through
all of that emotional turbulence
just because you
wanted to feel
"Special"

Perhaps I am bitter
maybe its because I
held a dear friends head
in my lap unable to stop
the bleeding from his wrists
feeling him die in my arms
before the ambulance could arrive

maybe I understand too well
what pain and suffering
feels like, what being despondent
is all about, and maybe I
stop just long enough to
think that I wouldn't want
someone else to feel that way

I think its all bullshit

life is hard
we are insignificant
and nothing is ever fair

so
get over your
damaged pride
and
do what we all do

breathe in
breathe out
repeat
as needed

eventually
it gets to feel
almost natural
I assure you

Comments

[marcoo.livejournal.com]

Mmm... I have to say I disagree with 99.99% of your post. Why would a suicide attempt as a cry for help would be pathetic ? Don't you think sometimes you reach a point where it seems like the only way to make other people understand the distress you feel...? MMmm... I'd better stop here. *shuts up*

[newtrip.livejournal.com]

it is a scientific fact that people who write suicide letters, who tell other people, who otherwise broadcast it in some way are really not very likely to commit suicide. the ones that are going to do it usually do it without hesitation and don't bother to worry about other people...

Re:

[marcoo.livejournal.com]

Yes, but killing yourself and attempting suicide to send out a cry for help are two different things. The latter screams "I don't wanna die, save me". Why would it be pathetic to cry for help ? Why would it be lame to be needing attention and help when you're reaching what you thing is the lowest bottom ? Argh. Whatever.

Re:

[newtrip.livejournal.com]

i am not disagreeing with what you are saying. a cry for help is very real and very important. but on a web-cam? jesus christ. this just seems like a very elaborate way to go about things...

Re:

[marcoo.livejournal.com]

Well, the webcams all over her place are part of her everyday life, they're on 24/7, she does everything on cam, so why would she turn them off when she intends to send a distress signal...

Re:

[newtrip.livejournal.com]

i see this post has gone private.

dunno if we are supposed to stop posting or not...

but i have to question this person's motives. would a simple "i have been thinking about committing suicide" post not been just as effective? why play the whole thing out on a webcam?

[lique.livejournal.com]

Not to butt in, but ... when your life IS a webcam, more or less ... perhaps it seems as though there's no other way ... or moreso, that it's not thought about at all.

Or, maybe it's just a supreme act of drama queeniness ... who knows. Either way, you're talking about someone who needs help, whether it's because they feel that gone or they feel that much need for eyes-on-them. Surprisingly related problems, oftentimes.

[newtrip.livejournal.com]

i don't know all the circumstances surrounding this, but it is made to sound like an elaborate scheme... perhaps i am wrong. i wouldn't be able to tell you exactly unless i had seen it myself. from the sounds of it this person has a livejournal as well. why would a simple post in LJ not work? does this person not have ANY friends in real life? if not, perhaps they should consider abandoning the webcam. i don't know...

i see what you are saying though. hrmmm... who knows. and you are not butting in at all. i love a good conversation. :)

[lique.livejournal.com]

Never tell me I'm not butting in ... then I just drooooone. ;)

Really, I'm likely sort of coming from a different spot, not knowing the person in this case personally, but, knowing a variety of people in my own life with some serious attention-craving disorders - in one case culminating in a similar attempt, and in others, falsified manic/depressive disorders that just became uncontrollably real over time. In all cases, I've learned one thing: frustrating as it is to see people harm themselves and those who surround them just because they can't get it that they're not the center of the universe (frustrating enough that, in the case of the individual with the suicide attempt it had little miss pacifistic buddhist me punching a wall and wishing they had died, which is just for anyone that knows me way beyond anything they can envision) ... at their core, they're just people who feel so lonely and so needy that they hurt beyond anything they think they can stand. Amd that ... yeah, maybe some would call it pathetic. In a non-malicious way it really quite probably is. But in the malicious way ... it smacks of scorn that no one deserves, in my opinion ... least of all the seriously downed.

Maybe all that gives me more experience. Perhaps it just gives me more bias in favour of sympathy instead. Never can tell with these things.

(End ramble.) ;)

not malicious just frustrated

[plural.livejournal.com]

and
most likely
as it relates to mine
own baggage

the whole scene
doesn't really relate
to me directly, I do not
know the girl in question
but
I have
my own issues
and while I direct
some of my rant at her
its is only because
of the ostentatious presentation

I have had several friends
attempt suicide
one of the them succeeded
and I have known
[although the weren't friends]
many others who attempted
and some who succeeded

it is just for me
that this instance
is so egregious in
it is obvious showboating

and it is not that
I do not have empathy
for the despair
either

in most things in life
we are lucky
if things work out
the way you want
10% of the time

and

if you are lucky
on a rare a occasion
the world notices that
you exist

but generally
we all live in
disappointed
forgotten little lives

cursing our parents
for feeding us
the irresponsible ideal
that life
is
fair

Re: not malicious just frustrated

[lique.livejournal.com]

And I can totally respect that point of view. Not get it, wholly, but respect it just the same. :)

[newtrip.livejournal.com]

mind if i add you to my friends list?

:)

[mnemosyne.livejournal.com]

yeah, i saw the private entry thing too. but now it's back. so i assume it's alright to post.

i agree with you. someone who's really going to commit suicide wouldn't have the need to play it out on the webcam. playing it out on public only provides drama in some bored person's life... or maybe marcoo is getting to something about the 24/7 thing... because if she does everything on the cam, then why not show her suicide or attempt of it. but then again, showing it to the public only invites for people who want to be concerned to try to stop her.

[plural.livejournal.com]

try saying

I want to die
I feel like crap
and I need someones
help
cause I cant
go on like this

what makes it
pathetic is
the showboating

reminds me of the
old gothic scene
where everyone went
around trying to
be more tragic than
anyone else

BTW I have edited my post a bit
I had another topic within it
which became irrelevant during
the time in which I posted this
and apparently in removing this
I aligned some paragraphs out
of the context I meant them.

and I do not
think the fact that
she has webcams on all the time
makes it any less obnoxius

I agree that she
is hurting and in pain
and I agree that it is
terribly sad that she feels
as bad as she does

but I find it
disgusting to so
selfishly yank on
other people hearts

the entire scene was
setup up like a stage
one picture told you the
whole story

you had
the poor girl
the pill bottles
the properly positioned
body and bathroom

she was creating
the perfect scene
to get the attention
she wanted

thats
what I find
pathetic

and feel free
to speak unreservedly
I hold nothing back
and do not expect others to
dont worry you wont
hurt my feelings.

p

Re:

[marcoo.livejournal.com]

And maybe she set the hold thing up to make her death well framed on cam ? Maybe she DID want to die ? How do you know she didn't...

perhaps she did

[plural.livejournal.com]

want her
death
perfectly framed
on webcam
which
is possible
but
in such a case
she is just
a drama queen
with panache
and the
determination to
create the ultimate show

again
just seeking
to twist lil hearts
around her fingers
to gain her needed
attention.

[even if]
[its posthumous]
[attention]
[its amazing how many]
[people commit suicide]
[to punish someone else]
[its called]
[if i do this]
[they will feel so bad]
[and they will regret X]
[leaving me etc...]
[not saying that]
[this was the case]
[in this particular]
[incident though]

Re: perhaps she did

[kingnixon.livejournal.com]

not to say this is, but isn't art staging something a certain way to inspire feeling?

[kingnixon.livejournal.com]

try saying

I want to die
I feel like crap
and I need someones
help
cause I cant
go on like this
that, for me, would be the hardest thing in the world. i can say pretty surely that if i was suicidal right now, or just looking for help, i would not be able to say so. it took me 16 yrs to learn how to express how i was feeling, and 2 more to get to a point where i wasn't spewing myself everywhere. and still, there are some things and feelings i can't bring myself to talk about. i couldn't (try to) kill myself either, tho, because i woudln't hurt people that way. this all, of course, leaves me with just 1 option: wait it out. whcih is exactly waht i did.

[plural.livejournal.com]

breathe in
breathe out
repeat

those three steps
have weathered me
through the greatest storms

when that feels
natural again
you are ready
to take on greater
challenges

[mnemosyne.livejournal.com]

hrmm... i wasn't able to post this for a few minutes because it kept saying it was a private entry. but yeah... so here it is anyways.

i think what he's trying to say is that those suicide attempts...or at least some of them... are just cries for attention and just ploys to manipulate the emotions of the people around them or on the nets. the fault i think is the lack of distinguishing between the real attempts of suicide and the fake ones. sue me... i too am cold hearted.

[newtrip.livejournal.com]

very interesting.

i could not agree with you more.

i also happen to think the same thing about people who "cut themselves" or otherwise cause physical harm to themselves, and then post the pictures as well as details of the whole ordeal in their journals...

it's just for the fucking attention.

i wish they'd get a life.

yea

[angel381.livejournal.com]

My senior year of high school, I was suicidal. And ya know, looking back on that, I am actually grateful I experienced those emotions. I can not agree more. People who run around telling everyone, are looking for help. (I am not sure if its just strait attention or if they just want help) but they are asking people to sit down and help them. In my personal situation, I didn't tell anyone. I was at the point where I would frequently cut myself.. because best explained, from 28 days:

Her: "It just feels better"
Sandra: "Better than what?"
Her: "Everything else."

It sounds really twisted.. I mean I am even ready to tearup because of a papercut haha, but I would just slash at myself cause it would feel like the sadness I was feeling could escape I guess.

My 2 best friends found out completely unintentionally, by catching me off guard when I was coming out of the shower and getting ready to change in my room.. and stuff like that. I mean, I was the always happy, jokin all the time grrl, so you can imagine how much I concealed it.

And in Psych, the teacher told us, suicidal people cry for help. They give away their most prized posessions and all this.. which I don't see true at all.

What's really sad, are those people who take the pills to get attention... waiting for their loved one to find them and carry them to the hospital.. and they don't come in time.. or don't show up at all.. and those people actually die. Sheesh.

But all I can say is I couldn't agree more. People who are itching for help talk about it. Those who have serious intentions, keep it hidden. That's why it is so important to have good open communication lines open with your friends. :)

no only that

[angel381.livejournal.com]

But I would embarrassed to post something like that! At least pictures of it! Guess I just wanted to say, I have been in that position and heh I guess.. its like these are my credentials. hehehe

Those people, DO, need to get a life.. or maybe just a doggie. hehe

Re: no only that

[newtrip.livejournal.com]

they are posting pictures of it and talking about it like it is something to be proud of...

it makes me sick.

the reason it does, is that people who do it secretly really do need help or have some issues. for those people, i can feel a sense of sorrow. but when you post it on the fucking web and prance around expecting to get attention or someone to say "you poooooor thing" that should insult anyone who truly knows what it is like to have that problem.

if you have a problem, find someone that can fix it, don't parade around on this thing we call the internet and expect people to feel sorry for you.

i guess i am somewhat bitter.

but you are very cool and i think you know where i'm coming from :)

Re: no only that

[angel381.livejournal.com]

F0 real baby! It does make me mad. Because you are right, it rubs over to people who actually do need help with their issues.

I truly could never imagine.. saying "Here look at the picture of me abusing myself" cause it only screams.. I am pathetic and this is the only way I can get you to talk to me.

*shakes head* tsk tsk. Like I said they just need to buy a doggie and the doggie will love them :)

and you is super kewl too!!!

[princessashi.livejournal.com]

back when i was 18 or so a bunch of things had culminated, ending with my exboyfriend/landlord type person demanding my part of the rent that was by that point at least six months overdue. i of course decide to go the whole dramatic route and say ahhh fuck it time for a suicide attempt.
i stole a box of sleepinal and a box of childrens chewable aspirin from the store, and took all the childrens chewables and hid the sleepinals (since i had issues with taking pills. dont ask, im retarded)

of course the roommates come in my room after a while, see the box of sleepinals, freak out, drag me to the ER, where, even though i was screaming at the nurses "I WAS JUST KIDDING!! I DIDNT TAKE ANYTHING!!" they still strapped me down to the bed and gave me a good stomach pumping, then dragged me off to the adult ward of the local psych hospital for the most POINTLESS three days of my life.

and i have never ever ever EVER thought of pulling another stupid stunt like that since.

so yeah i guess the moral of this story is, i bet she didnt take shit, and i hope they pumped her stomach anyways.

[lilybleu.livejournal.com]

i am one of the people who got stopped
several times during suicide attempts
while severely depressed

i promise you
i was not looking for help
i wanted out,
out of the darkness,
out of my pain,
death being the only solution
the only solution that was left

sometimes people aren't enough
they can't save you
and when you're depressed
it isn't so much disillusionment
as it is knowing the full depth of truth and
darkness

this is why i tried too many, so many times to kill myself

i didn't want to be saved
i wanted to go away
i wanted to leave behind
this tragic comedy
that was supposed to be my life

i respect what you are saying, plural,
especially knowing what you had to go through
and i agree that some people feel it is
the only way left to seek help from others,
but i know that many genuinely, desperately
want to die, need to die, are trying to die

i ponder it again sometimes
only now i am wiser
i hide things, emotions, thoughts
a bit better
come up with better ideas

and no one is the wiser

but that's my story, hope it's not torn to shreds...

[plural.livejournal.com]

I would not think to
tear apart your words.

I understand the need to die.

When my first love
was taken from me
I needed to die

of course
I was too much
of a coward to do
what I needed that day

so I live on
and cowardice
is all which prevented
my hand every day thereafter

I understand
and have experienced
many levels of despair

I have wanted to
die for more reasons
than I can think of now

I have desired death...

from being unable to
cope with a loss.

from feeling overwhelmed,
with pain.

from despondency and
lack of hope.

from simple immense grief,
at the inhumanity of us all.

from disgust and horror,
at what I had done.

for all these reasons
did I yearn for death
and
more besides.


I understand that it is
often worse to live
to survive life
for some memories
never grant you peace

but as I said
I never had the balls
to go through with even
an attempt

there are those
who truly want to die
they are the ones
who simply walk out a
12th floor window and
are gone

then there are those
who want to bring
attention to their plight
and misery
they are the ones
who stand on the ledge
screaming and negotiating
with police and firemen
until almost always they
are rescued.

obviously
you will always have
fate intervening
and some of those
who want to die
will be saved
and
some of those
who want attention
will end up
getting it posthumously

law of numbers

what I found
objection with
was not even
that she needed attention
but in the planned
perfectly arranged way
she went about staging a show

she was
a performance artist
not a suicide victim

that is
what I found
so offensive

[perhaps]
[I am not always]
[as eloquent as I]
[would like]
[but sometimes even I]
[suffer from ungraceful]
[perhaps even incoherent]
[words]

[teaser.livejournal.com]

You have said it all so eloquently in your posts. I couldn't agree with you more. I have seen too many people both on LJ and IRL that crave attention and use other peoples emotions and sympathy to feed it.

Perhaps I've been through too many hard times and I've become hardened. Love (or the lack of it) doesn't seem a good enough reason to take your own life. This is what pushed Stacy to the point that she reached.

awww grrl!

[angel381.livejournal.com]

I know those feelings babe. And its so weird because.. you can't fully explain it.. you just know.. its dark and lonely..

I felt the same way! I didn't want anyone to save me.. hell! I wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone! I laid in bed many a night saying, "Come on, Terri. We just have to make it through tonight and everything will be fine. Just, let's make it through the night." And all I would let myself do was lay there, I wouldn't let myself get outta bed because I knew what I would do. It was kinda like the cutting, once I started, I couldn't stop. While I was doing it, I knew it was wrong but it made me feel better, there was no pain in it. If anything, it relieved me.

Then I said, ok, I can't look into the future.. I can't keep dwelling on the past. I just have to work harder.. one day at a time.. one day I am going to be something.

Then that was the first day of my life. I worked harder and just didn't think about the real things going on. And its so weird looking at some of the things going on for my now. I mean I am engaged to be married.. these are days I never thought I would see.

And its really great. Man, it is really great to be alive. Sometimes I drop back into those depths, but I just try to do something that will take my mind off of it.. I watch movies almost every time I feel I am doing it. I just have to stay busy and not think too much.

But I too feel, I know something many people don't know.. and it's going to help me to help others in the future. :)