Quiz Spam

I didnt like a few of the questions
[i.e. could answer either way]
[like whose compromise a relationship entails]
[both imco]
[thats "in my correct opinion" btw]
so I took it twice

first time

The Playboy (Random Gentle Sex Master)

second time

The Loverboy (Random Gentle Love Master)

[I figure the truth lies somewhere inbetween]

drama

tonight, I was having a good night
played some pool

there was some schmuck
who was trying to bring ego into it
but I avoided it

whipped his ass the first game
then conveniently lost the second
so I could go dancing

dancing with some people I had met before
wouldn't call them friend but it was fun

then a girl I was not in the least bit attracted to
mosey'd up so I danced with her for a bit

two of her girlfriends who were quite attractive
joined in doing the bump and grind sandwich thing
but to me it was just harmless fun

unfortunately my perception of harmless fun was not shared by others
specifically the gentleman with whom I had the previous issue
[i.e. the guy who got head butted]

I tried to apologize in a generic sense
not admitting guilt per say but saying
"hey we were both drunk no hard feelings"
apparently that was not good enough for him

and when I left the bar fairly tipsy
he and his friends were waiting

it was clear from the get go
that this was not
a "talk your way out of it situation"
nor one I could easily run from

so it got ugly

my father said to me I think I was 19 at the time

"you are a good man"
[this statement meant more to me than I can express]
but sometimes you will meet people who are intent on violence
when you do strike first and hard as you are able

tonight was such a night

the first guy i dropped with another head butt
this time I think I broke his nose

the next guy got two palm strikes to the ribs
it is peculiar how sickening it is to me
to feel a mans bones break in my hands

how fragile we are in our egotistical immortality

two men down

the third takes a swing, I almost duck
his fist misses me but his elbow connects

square with my nose for the first time in years
someone managed to draw my blood

it was a peculiar experience
something primal erupts from within you
at the taste of your own blood
seeing it sprayed on the ground
but
despite that
I (barely) managed control

I dropped, spun, and swept his legs out from under him

three men down

and I took the opportunity to run

it is snowing again tonight
something so pure tainted with blood

I made it to my car and drove home

times like these make me question life

is that all we are
vicious animals
so wrapped up in ego and pride
that violence is the assured result

I despise a part of who I am
I suppose coming to terms with it is my most immediate challenge
the inherent brutality of which I am capable

I have killed men and it sickened me
but I did it, for god, duty and country
and I know I will do so again

I want to be a poet to sing the beauty of life
but
I am a violent man
it is in my nature

I am unable to lie down and let others hurt those I love

the knowledge that I can and will kill
without hesitation to protect those I love

is an unimaginable weight on my soul

there is a Mexican saying
"I would rather die on my feet, than live the rest of my life on my knees"

It appeals to me greatly
and I wonder if that is part of the problem
I am a prideful man
while I, in truth, aim for peace
I am unwilling to be subservient

when, like tonight, or in reality the first night
I meet someone demanding it
I refuse
and if they are insistent
violence will result

often time
like with the fellow I played pool with
I can smile and walk away

but I babble
so
I will end here

a pathetic man
unable to come to grips with the difference between
my idealism
and my reality

that which I wish to be
and that which I am

minor pains

my nose hurts

got some shadowing
[wouldnt quite call it black eyes]
[but getting there]
around my eyes
reminds me of one of those goth kids
who hasnt learned to apply his makeup yet

and my ankle is hurting like hell
I twisted it at some point
I guess

I just got off the phone
with my friend at the regional police
he is gonna check on the situation for me
but seeing as he was aware of the first situation
he reassured me that it shouldnt be a big deal
I might have to go in and give a statement
but that should be it
I will find out later

but on the brighter side
I got myself some frozen peas
which is helping quite a bit

The First Dream

I have very vivid dreams most often they are nightmares
which I have for the most part trained myself to forget

last night I had two dreams which I remember

This was the first dream


I am in the shower
the water turns to blood
but it doesn't stay that way
just switches long enough
for me to notice and freak out
then changes back
once I am comfortable again
it changes to blood but same as before
as soon as I notice and freak out
it changes back to water

this happens a few times and I am telling myself
I must be imagining it but the shower has lost its appeal
I get out and towel off
but my towels are different
instead of mine
they are those generic white hotel towels
and embossed with a logo I am not familiar with

I dry myself off compelled to check
the towel for bloodstains
wrap a towel around my waist
then the room shifts

scene change

I am looking at myself in a room I do not know
it is a small stark room
there is no furniture
save a low narrow table off to one side
which holds a kettle and a single small earthenware cup
the floor is covered in tatami mats

in the center of the room
I am naked
kneeling
and sitting back on my feet

there is a cloth
neatly folded into a swath
laid over my upper thighs
it is white
folded so it is about ten inches wide
a two inch wide stripe
on the top edge has been dyed black
in that stripe
several kanji have been painted in white
I do not know what they mean
but
I can tell they are a castigation
a damnation
a mark on my soul

on the center of the cloth
lies a long single bladed knife
slightly curved and broken just above the hilt
but placed in line so it looks whole
except for the slight gap where the break is

then
I see where I am looking from
I am standing over my kneeling form
just behind myself
my hands are raised over my head
holding a sword made of bamboo


and then I awoke

The Second Dream

so after waking from the first dream
I decide to watch a movie

let myself drift back to sleep that way
I put on an old favorite of mine
"True Romance"
which I think greatly influenced the next dream

I do not know where I am
it doesn't really matter

it is a private space
someone's house
could be mine
but it feels familiar
comfortable

she is there
and damn she looks good
but
other than I know her
know her scent
and her presence is most familiar
but
I do not know who she is

Her face is sort of blurred
keeping her identity from me
but the feel of her is most welcome

I reach out
stick my fingertips in the waist band of her jeans
and pull her to me

she goes to kiss me
but I pause
just a breath between our lips
with my other hand I reach up
turn her chin and step in close
drawing my nose along her jaw
pausing to place a single kiss behind her ear

I nibble playfully on the lobe of her ear
rolling it gently between my canine incisors
and whisper

"I want
every ounce of who you are
your soul
your heart
all of it

I want

you

I want
to taste you
devour you
feel your flesh quiver
till you forget your own name
or black out from exhaustion

which ever comes second"

Wisdom of the Fathers

I spoke with my father
about last nights events
the conversation ended up
making a good deal of sense to me
gave me a little peace

( wisdom of the fathers )

(no subject)

I have to go in to the regional police station
and give a statement now

my friend with the police
assures me that it will be fine
apparently someone saw them jump me
and gave a statement
they just want to hear my side

will be back in lil while

that was easy

just got back from the police station
they let my friend sit with me during the process
so it was pretty comfortable

no worries of any charges being filed against me
which is a relief

apparently all three guys ended up in the hospital last night
but were treated and released

first guy with a broken nose
second guy with four broken ribs
third guy [which surprised me since I just swept his legs] apparently cracked his head when he fell,
nothing serious but he needed a few stitches

one of the cops apparently
knows the families of two of the guys
and said almost emphatically
that this was the end of it
he would see that it was over

cops are actually a lot different up here
was rather strange
they are less small townie than you would expect
but at the same time
not quite like city cops

anyway
I am just glad to have the day behind me
and now
I am going to go relax
maybe
watch a movie
or read a book
or something

just have some me time
and stay off the ankle
which is now rather swollen
and hurts like hell

the frozen peas are helping
but I could use a nurse
to mix martinis
fetch olives
and oh
I am sure I can think of a few

other

things too

onion tears

Although it was fun to hear your name on television,
you still don't think the president
should use the State Of The Union address
to put prices on citizens' heads.