drama

[plural]

tonight, I was having a good night
played some pool

there was some schmuck
who was trying to bring ego into it
but I avoided it

whipped his ass the first game
then conveniently lost the second
so I could go dancing

dancing with some people I had met before
wouldn't call them friend but it was fun

then a girl I was not in the least bit attracted to
mosey'd up so I danced with her for a bit

two of her girlfriends who were quite attractive
joined in doing the bump and grind sandwich thing
but to me it was just harmless fun

unfortunately my perception of harmless fun was not shared by others
specifically the gentleman with whom I had the previous issue
[i.e. the guy who got head butted]

I tried to apologize in a generic sense
not admitting guilt per say but saying
"hey we were both drunk no hard feelings"
apparently that was not good enough for him

and when I left the bar fairly tipsy
he and his friends were waiting

it was clear from the get go
that this was not
a "talk your way out of it situation"
nor one I could easily run from

so it got ugly

my father said to me I think I was 19 at the time

"you are a good man"
[this statement meant more to me than I can express]
but sometimes you will meet people who are intent on violence
when you do strike first and hard as you are able

tonight was such a night

the first guy i dropped with another head butt
this time I think I broke his nose

the next guy got two palm strikes to the ribs
it is peculiar how sickening it is to me
to feel a mans bones break in my hands

how fragile we are in our egotistical immortality

two men down

the third takes a swing, I almost duck
his fist misses me but his elbow connects

square with my nose for the first time in years
someone managed to draw my blood

it was a peculiar experience
something primal erupts from within you
at the taste of your own blood
seeing it sprayed on the ground
but
despite that
I (barely) managed control

I dropped, spun, and swept his legs out from under him

three men down

and I took the opportunity to run

it is snowing again tonight
something so pure tainted with blood

I made it to my car and drove home

times like these make me question life

is that all we are
vicious animals
so wrapped up in ego and pride
that violence is the assured result

I despise a part of who I am
I suppose coming to terms with it is my most immediate challenge
the inherent brutality of which I am capable

I have killed men and it sickened me
but I did it, for god, duty and country
and I know I will do so again

I want to be a poet to sing the beauty of life
but
I am a violent man
it is in my nature

I am unable to lie down and let others hurt those I love

the knowledge that I can and will kill
without hesitation to protect those I love

is an unimaginable weight on my soul

there is a Mexican saying
"I would rather die on my feet, than live the rest of my life on my knees"

It appeals to me greatly
and I wonder if that is part of the problem
I am a prideful man
while I, in truth, aim for peace
I am unwilling to be subservient

when, like tonight, or in reality the first night
I meet someone demanding it
I refuse
and if they are insistent
violence will result

often time
like with the fellow I played pool with
I can smile and walk away

but I babble
so
I will end here

a pathetic man
unable to come to grips with the difference between
my idealism
and my reality

that which I wish to be
and that which I am

Comments

[azul.livejournal.com]

that was beautiful and eloquent.

i think, primally, you were just trying to survive.

i find it interesting that some men have a hard time being human, i.e. the pricks that "waited outside for you."

is that the beer that does that, or the testosterone?

either way, i see you as far from pathetic, and the fact that you recognize any of this means you're far more developed than you realize-just because you kicked someone's ass, or fought and killed for your country, doesn't mean you're not sensitive. you're not such a paradox afterall...

I dropped, spun, and swept his legs out from under him
that is straight ninja...i'm not the violent type, but damn, that's impressive.

[plural.livejournal.com]

thanks it wasnt intended as such
rather just venting my frustrations and confusions
[and welcome btw]

primally it is all we ever do really
attempt to survive
I think it is those few occasions
where we manage to rise above it that make us interesting

as for them, I do not know
at times it seems I have a hard time being human
perhaps it isnt as easy as it seems

probably a combination of both
they were pretty plastered
I doubt I would have gotten out
so relatively unscathed
if they were sober
I know how to handle myself fairly well
but three on one is unhappy odds

perhaps you are right, I rarely give myself
a fraction of the slack
I give others
I guess I just feel that with my abilities
and knowing what I know about myself
I have a greater responsibility

lastly, I am the violent type
as much as I despise violence
I am particularly good at it
that is entirely my problem
I dislike violence
and my own capacity for it

[nandan.livejournal.com]

I never know what to say to posts like these, although I read them with interest. I can't honestly tell if you're just proud of being able to take down three guys (that IS some accomplishment), or if you are really conflicted at your predilection to use violence in self-defense, or perhaps, just, upset because the world forces these situations on you?

If it was me, I'd probably just stay the hell out of that bar. ; )Although, how many options for nightlife can there be up there?

How is this situation going to end? Are these guys finally going to back down, or will they try to run you over with a car?

[plural.livejournal.com]

pride, while a particular fault of mine
doesnt enter this equation

I think the last is probably most true
I am too old for this shit
I have too much I would rather be doing
but
there is a part of me
that likes violence
and is quite capable at it

and I have a hard time
figuring out how to fit that in
with how I generally prefer to view myself

situations like this
often distress me because they force me
to look at that part of myself
rather than try to ignore it

[spikenheimer.livejournal.com]

i'm impressed that you managed to escape without more harm. and i do think that you are able to be both the poet and the warrior because i think you already embody that.

Re:

[plural.livejournal.com]

well they were drunk
where I was only lightly buzzed

I am sure had they been sober
I would not have gotten off so lightly

three on one odds are unhappy numbers

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

geeze, I'm sort of sorry I missed this one when it originally aired...