drama

[plural]

tonight, I was having a good night
played some pool

there was some schmuck
who was trying to bring ego into it
but I avoided it

whipped his ass the first game
then conveniently lost the second
so I could go dancing

dancing with some people I had met before
wouldn't call them friend but it was fun

then a girl I was not in the least bit attracted to
mosey'd up so I danced with her for a bit

two of her girlfriends who were quite attractive
joined in doing the bump and grind sandwich thing
but to me it was just harmless fun

unfortunately my perception of harmless fun was not shared by others
specifically the gentleman with whom I had the previous issue
[i.e. the guy who got head butted]

I tried to apologize in a generic sense
not admitting guilt per say but saying
"hey we were both drunk no hard feelings"
apparently that was not good enough for him

and when I left the bar fairly tipsy
he and his friends were waiting

it was clear from the get go
that this was not
a "talk your way out of it situation"
nor one I could easily run from

so it got ugly

my father said to me I think I was 19 at the time

"you are a good man"
[this statement meant more to me than I can express]
but sometimes you will meet people who are intent on violence
when you do strike first and hard as you are able

tonight was such a night

the first guy i dropped with another head butt
this time I think I broke his nose

the next guy got two palm strikes to the ribs
it is peculiar how sickening it is to me
to feel a mans bones break in my hands

how fragile we are in our egotistical immortality

two men down

the third takes a swing, I almost duck
his fist misses me but his elbow connects

square with my nose for the first time in years
someone managed to draw my blood

it was a peculiar experience
something primal erupts from within you
at the taste of your own blood
seeing it sprayed on the ground
but
despite that
I (barely) managed control

I dropped, spun, and swept his legs out from under him

three men down

and I took the opportunity to run

it is snowing again tonight
something so pure tainted with blood

I made it to my car and drove home

times like these make me question life

is that all we are
vicious animals
so wrapped up in ego and pride
that violence is the assured result

I despise a part of who I am
I suppose coming to terms with it is my most immediate challenge
the inherent brutality of which I am capable

I have killed men and it sickened me
but I did it, for god, duty and country
and I know I will do so again

I want to be a poet to sing the beauty of life
but
I am a violent man
it is in my nature

I am unable to lie down and let others hurt those I love

the knowledge that I can and will kill
without hesitation to protect those I love

is an unimaginable weight on my soul

there is a Mexican saying
"I would rather die on my feet, than live the rest of my life on my knees"

It appeals to me greatly
and I wonder if that is part of the problem
I am a prideful man
while I, in truth, aim for peace
I am unwilling to be subservient

when, like tonight, or in reality the first night
I meet someone demanding it
I refuse
and if they are insistent
violence will result

often time
like with the fellow I played pool with
I can smile and walk away

but I babble
so
I will end here

a pathetic man
unable to come to grips with the difference between
my idealism
and my reality

that which I wish to be
and that which I am