I've just returned home
I had a very fine evening

on the way home
a song came on the radio

it was the beatles

"all you need is love"

and

do not call me a cynic
but
all I could think is
what bullshit

love is easy

it is a choice
a decision to be open to it

it is what comes after that
which is hard

I have many things in my past
which I am not proud of
least of which
but still on that list
is my sexual proclivities

however I may feel

in my life
I have loved my share of women
[your share too]

There are far too many women in my past
whom I have loved
truely madly deeply
and with whom
love alone was not enough

love was not all I needed

perhaps
my experience
my good fortune
has left me with
less than an appropriate appreciation
for love

well no

that isnt true

I'm a fan of love
I'm a fan of being in love

it is just that
in my life

love is not enough

so that raises the question

what is

I'm not so sure
there is any one answer

but

I can speak those few things
I find more important than love

chief among those

respect

after that

trust

I don't just mean
trusting that I won't hurt you
or trusting that I'm being honest
but
a broader trust
that I know what I'm doing
and that I am capable
and
that I can take care of
and protect them

after that

expectations

I want

no strike that

I need

any woman I am to be with
to have expectations of me

I want her to expect many things

that I will be there for her
no matter the cost
no matter what

any price
any hell
I'll be the man standing beside her

I will be there
because
as I am her man
she is my woman

I want a woman to expect
me to take care of her
to provide for our family
to handle any situation
even if she is perfectly capable of it

that isnt to say she shouldnt handle a situation
that she is capable of handling
but rather
she should expect
that should she decide
she doesn't want to

I will

I want a woman
who expects me to be a man
and isnt surprised or impressed when I am

I want
a woman who cannot be bothered
to look up from her novel

I've been posting in this journal
as friends only for too long
it depresses me
it stifles me

so

fuck it
I'm not going to do it any more

Sam, if you see this, I'd suggest skipping it
nothing good will come of you reading it
nothing bad will come either
it just not something I intended to share with you
but you will do as you will
and I'll bear you no ill will regardless

of course, that is mostly a matter of pride
my personal cardinal sin
that with which I've always been most afflicted
I rarely allow those I've been close with
to see behind my walls after the fact
but fuck it
see if you wish
ignore if you wish
I do not expect
no
I will not allow it to change anything
either way

but anyway
this is public
because
this space is public to me
and it is how it must remain
otherwise it has little value to me

enough babble
and as they say

once more, into the breach.

anyway
to the post at hand

---

Over the past week

I've told so many friends
so many people in fact

that I was ok
that I was sad but not broken up
over this break up

it simply isn't true

I've joked that you can't break the heart
of a man whose heart is already broken

it simply isn't true

it simply isn't true

years ago
over a decade now

I met a woman who changed my life
changed me
gave me hope
redemption

she died

and my heart was utterly shattered

I spent ten years
slowly putting the pieces back together
well no
that also isn't true

first I spent five years
feeling nothing
ignoring my pain
running away from it
from myself
from everything

the last five years however
were different

I decided to stop running
to take responsibility
to put humpty dumpty back together again

as many of you here know
these past five years
have been troubled for me
in terms of my mind
but
I was making my way through it

as Winston Churchill said

"If you are going through hell, Keep on going"

I had languished there enough
hated myself enough
blamed myself enough

it was time to keep on going

it is bizarre
when I think about it
in retrospect

the quality of my relationships
went down hill after
I stopped running
and starting dealing

the last five years
my relationships have been utterly empty
cheap flings and meaningless distractions
to help me weather the worst parts of the storm

to keep on going

then despite my promise to myself
not to get involved with anyone
in my short time here
not to entangle myself with distractions
from my overall plan

then I met Samantha

and something sparked inside me
for the first time in ten years

She is not Charlotte

Indeed by most reckonings she is nothing like her
I won't get into comparisions as they serve no purpose here
but
suffice it to say it wasn't that I saw her
as another Charlie
but rather
despite the many differences
she represented the same things to me

I've long asserted
my holy trinity

spoken of those thing which I find most attractive
most important in a woman

a woman who possesses strong intellect
chief among them

After ten years
I was ready to give up
to stop searching for
hoping for

another equal
another partner
another friend

and then I met Sam

when we met
my first read was

Wow

my second read

she has issues
but the as good lord knows so do I
I figured it was a fair trade

I saw in her
such potential for a life together

in her I saw
compatible dreams
compatible priorities

so I broke all my rules
I played it fast and loose
put myself out there

I only had a short time to find out
because I had a plan
and
as you all know
my plans are always mutable
but
I had to know first
I had to know her
I had to know us

I had to get to a point
where I could make a decision
in a matter of a few months

if she was what I thought her to be
I would break heaven and earth to make it work

I threw caution to the wind
and my heart with it

while nothing is perfect
and our relationship was no exception
I had my own gripes
and she hers

there was much to become accustomed to
and many compromises to make

I was truly estactic
because she is that woman
or would be
if she was ready to be
but she is not

and I

I am hurting

tremendously

it is my own fault
I do not blame her
hell how could I

sure there is a part of me with some resentment
but it is a petty part
one I give little credence

after all
she is only twenty two
how could I expect her
to be ready
to be willing to dive headlong into something
or someone
in such a short time
the reality is I could not
but I had hoped

perhaps it would have been different
had it not all seemed so rushed

but perhaps not
it matters little

The idea of moving to Brazil seems hollow now
pointless

I think I will put it off for a while
I need to get back to the basics
pick myself up and put myself back together again

It was one thing to move there alone
before I met her
with a patched up heart
ready to start a new life

but now
the promise of a new life seems hollow
with a broken heart

Brazil was to me
the promise of a useful life
the promise of a content life
the promise of a happy life

when I met her
it seemed so much
that she would add to that plan
bring it up a notch
make it better

change it from my plan
to our plan

I worked many years
to get myself to the place
where I was healthy enough to belong there

now
I am not
it is that simple

what I will do
where I will go
I am not sure

I can't remain here
not like this

but I will figure it out
I always do

it is afterall what I was built for
to be the rock in any hard place

I've always been best in crisis
I've always shined when things get tough
I've always been the one who knew what to do

now I don't
but I will
I am just still reeling
that is all

the strangest thing for me
is how much
how strongly I am reeling

from the beginning I was aware of the risks
I had everything mapped out in my mind

good, bad, ugly

Before I asked her to accompany me to Brazil
I asked myself how I would feel

in the best case scenario
and
in the worst case scenario

each step of the way

I paused my thoughts
for a moments reflection
on what I could lose
and what I could gain

and
every time
came up with the same answer

the juice is worth the squeeze

perhaps that is why
I got caught so offguard
why I was blindsided
by how much I hurt

because I didn't see it coming

not the end of the relationship
that was telegraphed a week or more in advance
looking back on it, perhaps even further

I knew I was risking my heart
was risking pain
but I thought I had it gauged
thought I knew how much

I was wrong

perhaps it seems foolish
perhaps it is foolish
that after three months
I could hurt so

what I can offer as a defense
beside that
at her core
she was exactly what I have long been looking for

and what did it matter if I broke the rules
I've always broken all the rules
and it has always worked out for me before

as my sister said
just the other day
to one of her friends

"Everything always works out for my brother"

and this will too

eventually

afterall

I am the king

and

I can do anything

even heal a broken heart

the question now is how
and
how quickly

the only answer I can come up with
is
that which has always worked best for me

trial by fire
to cauterize the wounds
give myself a purpose
something useful to distract myself with

a rock to rebuild upon

right now
I'm leaning towards africa

I've never been
[well actually I have been to africa, twice]
[but I was drunk enough not to remember either occasion]

I'm thinking an adventure
a walkabout
start in the north
walk south

sounds like a heck of time

of course it has it's own dilemmas
like what to do with my cats
the few personal possessions I have left
[I ditched most of them when I left Canada]
of course the possessions are the easier part
as I can just stick them in storage for a year or two

Winston Churchill has long been one of my personal heroes
and
I'm not sure what he would think of my strategy

When in hell, find a worse hell to walk through

and Sam
if you disregarded my earlier warning
and read this anyway

I love you

truly madly deeply

far more than I have any right to

and I always will, even if I should not

I understand
at least as much as you have let me

I wish for you
to reach all of your dreams
and that when you do
they bring you the happiness you hoped for

as for me
when the time comes

I'll be just fine

the past few days have been

well

fabulous

we went out with my friend renato
the other night
to a fabulous club
but
had to turn in about 2am
as it was late saturday night
and we had not slept since thursday

we met renato
the next morning (sunday)
had a few drinks
then hit the beach
the water was warm
the sun was bright
the sand was soft

it was delightful

Samantha drank coco milk
fresh from a coconut
it was delicious

we went back to the hotel
just after dark
showered and dressed again
for the evening

and Renato showed us a favorite local restaurant
it was succulent and divine
we had two dishes with fish
both were amazing
and plates with different breads and butters
olives and vegetables

and of course

many
many
capirinhas

after dinner renato went home
because he had to get up early
to drive back to sao paulo
for work in the morning
so
we
made a quart of bourbon and coke
and
walked along the beach
sat down in front of our hotel
and gazed at the stars

oh
and we sang
twinkle twinkle little star
at the top of our lungs

it was great fun

oh and buffy
your penis looks very small from here

today
we went to ilhabela
an island near us
walked around the old town
bought Samantha some swimwear
drove around the island
found a beachside bar
had a fabulous lunch
and many more capirinhas
then went snorkelling

we got back to the hotel
just after dark
had a shower
lay naked in bed
and watched a brazillian soap opera
[in portuguese]
while making up our own story
to go along with it
and of course
drinking the entire time

Id tell you more
but it would violate FCC obscenity laws

then we went for a walk through town
and came back to our hotel for dinner
we had sole in a pineapple and mint sauce
with apples and rice
and
a brazillian fish
which Ive not had before
but which was roughly translated as
weak fish
which made no sense
but
damn was it tasty

and yes
many more capirinhas

now we are writing down
all of the addresses for the postcards we must send
and composing a joint email to our families
and then going to have more drinks
and go to bed
as
we must get up early tomorrow to drive
to sao paulo

she is spending the afternoon at museum
and I have to meet with my lawyers

yay

I win

Well We are off

We arrive in Sao Paulo tomorrow
head straight out to the beach for 4 days
then
its back to SP so I can get some business done
and party with all my wonderful brazillian friends

we'll be back on the 15th

I'll miss yall
and if ya want a postcard from Brazil
comment with your address
and I'll see what I can do
[comments are screened]

You'll do it

or

you'll cry and do it.


-Samantha
[a translation of a finnish idiom on child rearing]

made by the infamous Osem Food Industries Ltd
in Tel Aviv

Bissli brand snack foods

are teh devil

even the flavors
which I do not like
I cant stop eating

explaining to my seven year old niece
why a woman would deep throat a donkey
is just a bit beyond my parenting skills
as a 30-something bachelor

-me

So
I've been trying to get back
into playing chess

For the record
I'm not very good at chess
or
at least I do not feel very good at chess

this maybe be because
~90% of the people I've ever played
were ranked chess masters

but anyway

I've been told
I've got a bizarre method of playing chess
in that
not having formal chess education
I've developed an unusual way
of playing
generally setting up
overly elaborate traps
that will result in a large number of pieces being traded
hopefully in my favor

while this does not stop
the above mentioned masters
from kicking my ass
it does occasionally make them stop
look at me
then look back at the board
to see what they are missing

sometimes
I manage to spring one of my traps
so it ends in my favor
which is quite nice

so anyway
I've been using the program "Chess Titans"
just to get used to the feel of playing again

I play each level
until I win five sequential games
[and no taking back moves either]
then move to the next level

today I'm on level five
and
I won three games in a row
drew one
lost one
and
decided I was bored
and wanted to have some fun

so
I did
and below is the result

I'm black by the way
[I almost always play black]

so I thought I'd share it

courtesy of the newest person I've added to my friends list meran12345
who I met in another friends journal (and then again in another friends journal)
and who in all likelihood I'm about to piss off
by being a complete dick

According to a recent scientific study being female is a leading negative factor in science literacy

so I guess
we dont have to stop using
"but honey, it whitens your teeth"
afterall