![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pluralI've been posting in this journal
as friends only for too long
it depresses me
it stifles me
so
fuck it
I'm not going to do it any more
Sam, if you see this, I'd suggest skipping it
nothing good will come of you reading it
nothing bad will come either
it just not something I intended to share with you
but you will do as you will
and I'll bear you no ill will regardless
of course, that is mostly a matter of pride
my personal cardinal sin
that with which I've always been most afflicted
I rarely allow those I've been close with
to see behind my walls after the fact
but fuck it
see if you wish
ignore if you wish
I do not expect
no
I will not allow it to change anything
either way
but anyway
this is public
because
this space is public to me
and it is how it must remain
otherwise it has little value to me
enough babble
and as they say
once more, into the breach.
anyway
to the post at hand
---
Over the past week
I've told so many friends
so many people in fact
that I was ok
that I was sad but not broken up
over this break up
it simply isn't true
I've joked that you can't break the heart
of a man whose heart is already broken
it simply isn't true
it simply isn't true
years ago
over a decade now
I met a woman who changed my life
changed me
gave me hope
redemption
she died
and my heart was utterly shattered
I spent ten years
slowly putting the pieces back together
well no
that also isn't true
first I spent five years
feeling nothing
ignoring my pain
running away from it
from myself
from everything
the last five years however
were different
I decided to stop running
to take responsibility
to put humpty dumpty back together again
as many of you here know
these past five years
have been troubled for me
in terms of my mind
but
I was making my way through it
as Winston Churchill said
"If you are going through hell, Keep on going"
I had languished there enough
hated myself enough
blamed myself enough
it was time to keep on going
it is bizarre
when I think about it
in retrospect
the quality of my relationships
went down hill after
I stopped running
and starting dealing
the last five years
my relationships have been utterly empty
cheap flings and meaningless distractions
to help me weather the worst parts of the storm
to keep on going
then despite my promise to myself
not to get involved with anyone
in my short time here
not to entangle myself with distractions
from my overall plan
then I met Samantha
and something sparked inside me
for the first time in ten years
She is not Charlotte
Indeed by most reckonings she is nothing like her
I won't get into comparisions as they serve no purpose here
but
suffice it to say it wasn't that I saw her
as another Charlie
but rather
despite the many differences
she represented the same things to me
I've long asserted
my holy trinity
spoken of those thing which I find most attractive
most important in a woman
a woman who possesses strong intellect
chief among them
After ten years
I was ready to give up
to stop searching for
hoping for
another equal
another partner
another friend
and then I met Sam
when we met
my first read was
Wow
my second read
she has issues
but the as good lord knows so do I
I figured it was a fair trade
I saw in her
such potential for a life together
in her I saw
compatible dreams
compatible priorities
so I broke all my rules
I played it fast and loose
put myself out there
I only had a short time to find out
because I had a plan
and
as you all know
my plans are always mutable
but
I had to know first
I had to know her
I had to know us
I had to get to a point
where I could make a decision
in a matter of a few months
if she was what I thought her to be
I would break heaven and earth to make it work
I threw caution to the wind
and my heart with it
while nothing is perfect
and our relationship was no exception
I had my own gripes
and she hers
there was much to become accustomed to
and many compromises to make
I was truly estactic
because she is that woman
or would be
if she was ready to be
but she is not
and I
I am hurting
tremendously
it is my own fault
I do not blame her
hell how could I
sure there is a part of me with some resentment
but it is a petty part
one I give little credence
after all
she is only twenty two
how could I expect her
to be ready
to be willing to dive headlong into something
or someone
in such a short time
the reality is I could not
but I had hoped
perhaps it would have been different
had it not all seemed so rushed
but perhaps not
it matters little
The idea of moving to Brazil seems hollow now
pointless
I think I will put it off for a while
I need to get back to the basics
pick myself up and put myself back together again
It was one thing to move there alone
before I met her
with a patched up heart
ready to start a new life
but now
the promise of a new life seems hollow
with a broken heart
Brazil was to me
the promise of a useful life
the promise of a content life
the promise of a happy life
when I met her
it seemed so much
that she would add to that plan
bring it up a notch
make it better
change it from my plan
to our plan
I worked many years
to get myself to the place
where I was healthy enough to belong there
now
I am not
it is that simple
what I will do
where I will go
I am not sure
I can't remain here
not like this
but I will figure it out
I always do
it is afterall what I was built for
to be the rock in any hard place
I've always been best in crisis
I've always shined when things get tough
I've always been the one who knew what to do
now I don't
but I will
I am just still reeling
that is all
the strangest thing for me
is how much
how strongly I am reeling
from the beginning I was aware of the risks
I had everything mapped out in my mind
good, bad, ugly
Before I asked her to accompany me to Brazil
I asked myself how I would feel
in the best case scenario
and
in the worst case scenario
each step of the way
I paused my thoughts
for a moments reflection
on what I could lose
and what I could gain
and
every time
came up with the same answer
the juice is worth the squeeze
perhaps that is why
I got caught so offguard
why I was blindsided
by how much I hurt
because I didn't see it coming
not the end of the relationship
that was telegraphed a week or more in advance
looking back on it, perhaps even further
I knew I was risking my heart
was risking pain
but I thought I had it gauged
thought I knew how much
I was wrong
perhaps it seems foolish
perhaps it is foolish
that after three months
I could hurt so
what I can offer as a defense
beside that
at her core
she was exactly what I have long been looking for
and what did it matter if I broke the rules
I've always broken all the rules
and it has always worked out for me before
as my sister said
just the other day
to one of her friends
"Everything always works out for my brother"
and this will too
eventually
afterall
I am the king
and
I can do anything
even heal a broken heart
the question now is how
and
how quickly
the only answer I can come up with
is
that which has always worked best for me
trial by fire
to cauterize the wounds
give myself a purpose
something useful to distract myself with
a rock to rebuild upon
right now
I'm leaning towards africa
I've never been
[well actually I have been to africa, twice]
[but I was drunk enough not to remember either occasion]
I'm thinking an adventure
a walkabout
start in the north
walk south
sounds like a heck of time
of course it has it's own dilemmas
like what to do with my cats
the few personal possessions I have left
[I ditched most of them when I left Canada]
of course the possessions are the easier part
as I can just stick them in storage for a year or two
Winston Churchill has long been one of my personal heroes
and
I'm not sure what he would think of my strategy
When in hell, find a worse hell to walk through
and Sam
if you disregarded my earlier warning
and read this anyway
I love you
truly madly deeply
far more than I have any right to
and I always will, even if I should not
I understand
at least as much as you have let me
I wish for you
to reach all of your dreams
and that when you do
they bring you the happiness you hoped for
as for me
when the time comes
I'll be just fine
as friends only for too long
it depresses me
it stifles me
so
fuck it
I'm not going to do it any more
Sam, if you see this, I'd suggest skipping it
nothing good will come of you reading it
nothing bad will come either
it just not something I intended to share with you
but you will do as you will
and I'll bear you no ill will regardless
of course, that is mostly a matter of pride
my personal cardinal sin
that with which I've always been most afflicted
I rarely allow those I've been close with
to see behind my walls after the fact
but fuck it
see if you wish
ignore if you wish
I do not expect
no
I will not allow it to change anything
either way
but anyway
this is public
because
this space is public to me
and it is how it must remain
otherwise it has little value to me
enough babble
and as they say
once more, into the breach.
anyway
to the post at hand
---
Over the past week
I've told so many friends
so many people in fact
that I was ok
that I was sad but not broken up
over this break up
it simply isn't true
I've joked that you can't break the heart
of a man whose heart is already broken
it simply isn't true
it simply isn't true
years ago
over a decade now
I met a woman who changed my life
changed me
gave me hope
redemption
she died
and my heart was utterly shattered
I spent ten years
slowly putting the pieces back together
well no
that also isn't true
first I spent five years
feeling nothing
ignoring my pain
running away from it
from myself
from everything
the last five years however
were different
I decided to stop running
to take responsibility
to put humpty dumpty back together again
as many of you here know
these past five years
have been troubled for me
in terms of my mind
but
I was making my way through it
as Winston Churchill said
"If you are going through hell, Keep on going"
I had languished there enough
hated myself enough
blamed myself enough
it was time to keep on going
it is bizarre
when I think about it
in retrospect
the quality of my relationships
went down hill after
I stopped running
and starting dealing
the last five years
my relationships have been utterly empty
cheap flings and meaningless distractions
to help me weather the worst parts of the storm
to keep on going
then despite my promise to myself
not to get involved with anyone
in my short time here
not to entangle myself with distractions
from my overall plan
then I met Samantha
and something sparked inside me
for the first time in ten years
She is not Charlotte
Indeed by most reckonings she is nothing like her
I won't get into comparisions as they serve no purpose here
but
suffice it to say it wasn't that I saw her
as another Charlie
but rather
despite the many differences
she represented the same things to me
I've long asserted
my holy trinity
spoken of those thing which I find most attractive
most important in a woman
a woman who possesses strong intellect
chief among them
After ten years
I was ready to give up
to stop searching for
hoping for
another equal
another partner
another friend
and then I met Sam
when we met
my first read was
Wow
my second read
she has issues
but the as good lord knows so do I
I figured it was a fair trade
I saw in her
such potential for a life together
in her I saw
compatible dreams
compatible priorities
so I broke all my rules
I played it fast and loose
put myself out there
I only had a short time to find out
because I had a plan
and
as you all know
my plans are always mutable
but
I had to know first
I had to know her
I had to know us
I had to get to a point
where I could make a decision
in a matter of a few months
if she was what I thought her to be
I would break heaven and earth to make it work
I threw caution to the wind
and my heart with it
while nothing is perfect
and our relationship was no exception
I had my own gripes
and she hers
there was much to become accustomed to
and many compromises to make
I was truly estactic
because she is that woman
or would be
if she was ready to be
but she is not
and I
I am hurting
tremendously
it is my own fault
I do not blame her
hell how could I
sure there is a part of me with some resentment
but it is a petty part
one I give little credence
after all
she is only twenty two
how could I expect her
to be ready
to be willing to dive headlong into something
or someone
in such a short time
the reality is I could not
but I had hoped
perhaps it would have been different
had it not all seemed so rushed
but perhaps not
it matters little
The idea of moving to Brazil seems hollow now
pointless
I think I will put it off for a while
I need to get back to the basics
pick myself up and put myself back together again
It was one thing to move there alone
before I met her
with a patched up heart
ready to start a new life
but now
the promise of a new life seems hollow
with a broken heart
Brazil was to me
the promise of a useful life
the promise of a content life
the promise of a happy life
when I met her
it seemed so much
that she would add to that plan
bring it up a notch
make it better
change it from my plan
to our plan
I worked many years
to get myself to the place
where I was healthy enough to belong there
now
I am not
it is that simple
what I will do
where I will go
I am not sure
I can't remain here
not like this
but I will figure it out
I always do
it is afterall what I was built for
to be the rock in any hard place
I've always been best in crisis
I've always shined when things get tough
I've always been the one who knew what to do
now I don't
but I will
I am just still reeling
that is all
the strangest thing for me
is how much
how strongly I am reeling
from the beginning I was aware of the risks
I had everything mapped out in my mind
good, bad, ugly
Before I asked her to accompany me to Brazil
I asked myself how I would feel
in the best case scenario
and
in the worst case scenario
each step of the way
I paused my thoughts
for a moments reflection
on what I could lose
and what I could gain
and
every time
came up with the same answer
the juice is worth the squeeze
perhaps that is why
I got caught so offguard
why I was blindsided
by how much I hurt
because I didn't see it coming
not the end of the relationship
that was telegraphed a week or more in advance
looking back on it, perhaps even further
I knew I was risking my heart
was risking pain
but I thought I had it gauged
thought I knew how much
I was wrong
perhaps it seems foolish
perhaps it is foolish
that after three months
I could hurt so
what I can offer as a defense
beside that
at her core
she was exactly what I have long been looking for
and what did it matter if I broke the rules
I've always broken all the rules
and it has always worked out for me before
as my sister said
just the other day
to one of her friends
"Everything always works out for my brother"
and this will too
eventually
afterall
I am the king
and
I can do anything
even heal a broken heart
the question now is how
and
how quickly
the only answer I can come up with
is
that which has always worked best for me
trial by fire
to cauterize the wounds
give myself a purpose
something useful to distract myself with
a rock to rebuild upon
right now
I'm leaning towards africa
I've never been
[well actually I have been to africa, twice]
[but I was drunk enough not to remember either occasion]
I'm thinking an adventure
a walkabout
start in the north
walk south
sounds like a heck of time
of course it has it's own dilemmas
like what to do with my cats
the few personal possessions I have left
[I ditched most of them when I left Canada]
of course the possessions are the easier part
as I can just stick them in storage for a year or two
Winston Churchill has long been one of my personal heroes
and
I'm not sure what he would think of my strategy
When in hell, find a worse hell to walk through
and Sam
if you disregarded my earlier warning
and read this anyway
I love you
truly madly deeply
far more than I have any right to
and I always will, even if I should not
I understand
at least as much as you have let me
I wish for you
to reach all of your dreams
and that when you do
they bring you the happiness you hoped for
as for me
when the time comes
I'll be just fine
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 12:09 pm (UTC)Anyway, I feel for you. Been there, done that.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 08:44 pm (UTC)Sounds like fun, I'll bring the llama if you bring the ether
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 12:50 pm (UTC)You know, H would love to talk to you about your problems... She has so little contact with adults.
As for you stuff, you realize of course you are more than welcome to leave what you've got in MD for as long as you like... If you've got more you know how much storage space we've got (more will be freed up when I organize and build storage out in the garage), so send more if you want to save a few buck on a storage locker.
We are going to leave for NC tomorrow so if you want to talk, you may want to call a cell phone (I have no doubt you've still got at least H's).
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 08:47 pm (UTC)I'm also considering India
as usual
I'm making a list
and checking it twice
gonna find out if I'm naughty or nice
*smirk*
and I adore speaking with her (and you)
on any topic
and when it comes to advice
there are none whose advice and perspective
I appreciate more [though there are a couple the same *grin*]
I may just take you up on that offer
I hardly have any other possessions
maybe half again as much as is there
at most the same amount again
Have a great time in NC, and I'll give yall a ring over the weekend and check in.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 08:50 pm (UTC)and I greatly appreciate the offer, I'll keep it in mind as I figure out what my plans are.
At the moment, I can't do anything definite until my house sells, which will hopefully be soon, but I'm at the mercy of the market.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 01:39 pm (UTC)As to finding America - still in Oregon. :)
I saw a man pass me southbound on I-5 (I was at 80 - he was just over 100) this morning on a ride REMARKABLE similar Bettie. I got a little teared up about thinking it could be you and said a bit of a prayer and a whisp of hope for that rider.. and for you wherever you are.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 08:52 pm (UTC)It can't change anything, and however much I might wish it to, changing it would be a greater mistake. Worry not, I will be happy again soon enough, it will just have to be without her.
;-) indeed you are
wish that had been me, but it wasn't, bettie is still up in canada, but about now, I could sure enjoy spending a day with her.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 02:35 pm (UTC)Could I also point you towards Turkey for the sheer amazing factor!
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 08:43 pm (UTC)and
I've always felt a pull to Africa
As for Turkey
indeed
definitely on my list of places to go
it is a long list
but I'll get everywhere eventually
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 04:26 pm (UTC)It sounds like there was a lot of pressure on both of you for this to be the perfect match.
What the two of you could have gained seems like it was worth the risk to me.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 08:41 pm (UTC)when you ignore it, you just save it
to fester for another day
I learned that lesson the hard way
not to say you can't put it on a shelf for a little while
instead of reveling in it 24/7
but you have to address it openly
and deal with it honestly
and indeed
there was pressure, perhaps only because there was potential
and
yes
as I said
the juice was worth the squeeze
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 05:06 pm (UTC)22 is too young to decide the rest of a life. And broken hearts heal, I am proof of that and they heal faster and better than we ever imagine. You will be fine as long as you don't make it a point to again have directionless relationships.
Kings don't run and they don't hide.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-08 08:39 pm (UTC)I wanted to write this
I needed to write this
desperately even
for me, not for her
I needed to face, express and accept what I was feeling
but her reading this changes nothing
not for me
not for her
and having done so
I feel better
perhaps only a very small bit better
but better is better
and
it will do for today