sitting here beside you and sitting here without you

[plural]

right now
they feel about the same

I'm in love
more than I thought was possible
more than I thought my shattered heart
and battered soul capable
and
quite frustrated with it

We talked the other day
but didn't say very much

she inquired if I was still planning to leave the country

I said that

I couldn't make any plans
while my house was on the market and I was in limbo

and

once it sold

I saw three possible options

either things weren't moving forward
in which case
I would leave alone

things were moving forward but needed more time
in which case I would stay in Seattle
for as long as it made sense to do so

the last option
is taking her with me

I feel like a coward
[in fact I am a coward]
sitting here writing this

knowing she can and probably will read this

and still
finding myself unable to say it to her face

but this place we are in

it is so very frustrating
seeing what I want
what I need from her

shining in her eyes
just to have her
lock it away inside and turn her head

today
we went and looked at a sailboat
[just a little one]
took it out on the water

and

denial
is a beautiful thing

Comments

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

Not to be overly didactic, but isn't option 3 a subset of option 2, wherein the constraint 'but needed more time' is removed?

I bring it up only because it's always easier to make a decision on two outcomes, and not three...

That is to say, it seems to me things haven't really changed at all:

"either they are moving forward, or they are not moving forward"

These are the only two predicates, with one real outcome:

"you are leaving"

with one ancillary aside (ancillary to the cause and action, not in emotional impact, of course):

"she is going with you"

It may seem sort of brutal, but there it is.

[plural.livejournal.com]

Yup, pretty much.

However the importance of phrasing it in three options instead of two is twofold. One it reduces the pressure on the relationship and two it shows that while my overall concept remains mostly the same, I'm willing to be flexible to accomodate her needs and try to include her in the planning/timing aspects.

Perhaps it is an unnecessary distinction, but the reality is that for the first time in my life, I am willing to consider and discuss changing my plans to build a life with her instead of progressing solely on my own path. This is quite a departure from my previous modus operandi as in the past, not only would I not consider such a thing, the come along option wasn't there either.

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

...I'm willing to be flexible to accomodate her needs...

pansy.

[plural.livejournal.com]

Yup, that's about it.

and

you pot
me kettle

[zaiah.livejournal.com]

It's always difficult when you have allowed the choices of another to impact your own happiness.. While I agree you have the right in choosing still to go - it seems that some of the power of decision making should be more explicitly shared...

"I'm still going. I'd like you to come with me. Whether and how long I delay going is ultimately up to you. How long do you think is fair for you to ask me to wait to determine whether or not you will?"

[plural.livejournal.com]

"I'm still going. I'd like you to come with me. Whether and how long I delay going is ultimately up to you. How long do you think is fair for you to ask me to wait to determine whether or not you will?"

That is essentially what I am saying with options 2 & 3. Only we are waiting to ask that question for the time being.

When my house sells, We will check in and see where we are and how we need to go forward.

I want the decision to be a shared one, and am far more flexible in what the final decision is than I have ever been. I am willing to consider any proposal she might make, the trouble comes in my justifying accepting an alternate proposal.

The more radical the change, the more I have to see from her, the more I need from her in the relationship. Afterall, I'm willing to give up quite a lot to make this work but not if I'm the only one willing make changes and sacrifices.

Hi

[like-a-mirror.livejournal.com]

I am also very much in love in a way that I NEVER imagined but, I would truly resent being forced to make choices with out the proper communication...it feels as if you are venting here and not talking there...talk about EVERYTHING and don't be fearful of the answers!

Well, Hello there

[plural.livejournal.com]

I was absolutely venting here, it is part of the process which allows me to talk there. This space is where I do my thinking, it is a place for raw brain dumps rather than polished thoughts. Usually talking about something here helps me get my mind right to deal with it in real life.

I have some difficulty talking I suppose but not much, the largest reason which I put it off is that I'm not settled in my own thoughts and worry that I won't be able to express myself with the degree of clarity I desire. Thats what this space does, helps me clarify my thoughts and reflects my mental space back to me in a way I can analyze.

As for our communication, it could be better sure, but we do actually talk and when we do sit down to have a serious discussion the communication is excellent. It is just that we are both people used to figuring things out in our own head first so sometimes we go a little longer than we should before talking to the other. Last night we talked quite a bit about the things which were bothering me when I wrote this particular post.

Obviously life isnt a sitcom so talking about it hasn't provided a miracle cure but I feel much better and I'm sure we'll work and move forward because of that talk.