sitting here beside you and sitting here without you

[plural]

right now
they feel about the same

I'm in love
more than I thought was possible
more than I thought my shattered heart
and battered soul capable
and
quite frustrated with it

We talked the other day
but didn't say very much

she inquired if I was still planning to leave the country

I said that

I couldn't make any plans
while my house was on the market and I was in limbo

and

once it sold

I saw three possible options

either things weren't moving forward
in which case
I would leave alone

things were moving forward but needed more time
in which case I would stay in Seattle
for as long as it made sense to do so

the last option
is taking her with me

I feel like a coward
[in fact I am a coward]
sitting here writing this

knowing she can and probably will read this

and still
finding myself unable to say it to her face

but this place we are in

it is so very frustrating
seeing what I want
what I need from her

shining in her eyes
just to have her
lock it away inside and turn her head

today
we went and looked at a sailboat
[just a little one]
took it out on the water

and

denial
is a beautiful thing

Comments

Well, Hello there

[plural.livejournal.com]

I was absolutely venting here, it is part of the process which allows me to talk there. This space is where I do my thinking, it is a place for raw brain dumps rather than polished thoughts. Usually talking about something here helps me get my mind right to deal with it in real life.

I have some difficulty talking I suppose but not much, the largest reason which I put it off is that I'm not settled in my own thoughts and worry that I won't be able to express myself with the degree of clarity I desire. Thats what this space does, helps me clarify my thoughts and reflects my mental space back to me in a way I can analyze.

As for our communication, it could be better sure, but we do actually talk and when we do sit down to have a serious discussion the communication is excellent. It is just that we are both people used to figuring things out in our own head first so sometimes we go a little longer than we should before talking to the other. Last night we talked quite a bit about the things which were bothering me when I wrote this particular post.

Obviously life isnt a sitcom so talking about it hasn't provided a miracle cure but I feel much better and I'm sure we'll work and move forward because of that talk.