(no subject)

I am the definition of damaged goods

those few of you
who have met or talked with me
probably would be surprised
to hear this

but I'm a freaking wreck

there is a side of me
which no one
and I mean no one
ever sees

you see
in my heart of hearts
I pine for a woman
nearly ten years deceased

every day
I wonder why I do not simply end it all
to be with her again

and every day I struggle
to find a new excuse
to get me through the day

usually I rely upon my curiousity
that desire I have to see all the things
I have not yet seen
to do all the things I have not yet done

it is that tenous line
which keeps me bound to this existence

experience

I live each day
hoping to do something
interesting
amusing
worthwile
enough to justify a day separated from her

pathetic isnt it

that singular joy of my life
stolen from me that night
leaves me a broken husk

and now
I only pretend to care

the bottom line is
I am just going through the motions

living a pretend life
to fulfill my obligations

because none of it matters in the least to me anymore

my heart is broken

shattered

I'm not here anymore

just a drone
going through the motions

because it is what is expected of me

what else do I have?

most people I know
know little of love
have never experience a love
like I once had

two people completely on the same page
two bodies with one mind

I just cant seem to let go
cannot stop loving her
first and foremost

I am a broken doll in a world without duct tape

and now
nearing my thirtieth year
every day
I find it harder and harder
to find a fucking point for it all

a reason to bother with life

ten years

I have missed her

ten years

I still grieve

as if it was yesterday

will it ever end?

will I ever feel ok
feel less devastated
less broken

will my heart
my soul
ever stop bleeding

each day is harder than the one before it
each day the excuses, the rationales
seem less believable

but I

I am too much a coward

so instead
every day I pray for the worst

a truck swerving over the center line

(no subject)

a dear friend hit the nail on the head

I keep going simply because
I know she would be pissed as hell at me
if I didnt

but I hurt

every day

something fierce

and I'm tired of it

tired of having to find the strength every day
to keep on going on

each day

it takes nearly everything I have

just to smile

just to pretend I am ok

no wonder I am completely full of shit

the first thing I do every morning
is lie to myself
the last thing I do every night
is lie myself to sleep

but fuck

I just cant get past it

I love her

I miss her

and I hate the world simply for existing without her

(no subject)

I am the rock

that is my job

my place in things

weakness, fragility have no place here



this is what I've told myself for years

it is my mantra
my justification

a friend just surprised the hell out of me
by calling me on it

being a particularly perceptive fuck
I generally know what people are going to say
before they say it

but she floored me
and as I said to her

it hit a little too close to home

you see
I was raised old school
raised with duty and obligation coming before happiness

and you know

I am ok with that

really, truly

to me

at the most very basic

taking care of those I love
is what is important

if there is anything I have learned
it is that happiness is fleeting
but being there for someone
lasts forever

of course

I am selfish

I refuse to allow people to be there for me

and even when I do
it is ungraceful
begrudging

for all I talk about the value of family
I havent let my own family be there for me in years

my own pride necessitates remaining the rock
even with them

those two posts tonight
were probably the hardest thing I've done in a long time
not in the act of putting it to words
but rather sharing it

letting myself be exposed to that degree

because after all I am the king

and a king has little time for weakness and emotion

people often ask, sometimes in a round about way
what it is like to be the king
how one becomes the king
excetera excetera

being the king is not a privilege

it is an obligation
a duty and a choice

I look at those I love
and am proud to have to opportunity
to be there for them

truly, deeply

honored

in this world of materialism and self absorbtion
it is an act of sedition

treason


I stand for those I love
because
without them what am I?

what is a king without his subjects?
but a man with a silly hat