A new experience

that
of guilt

there is
as I type this

a beautiful and naked woman
in my bed

unconscious
with sleep and sex

and
I have never felt worse

well
maybe not never
but
still

there is guilt
weighing heavily upon my heart

and
I am simultaneously aware
and clueless
as to why

for many years
I have not really thought about sex
if I was attracted
and it happened
I was content
accepting

but tonight is different

I slept with a woman
who however beautiful she may be
was
not
what I desire

and it tears me apart


in many ways
I excused my rampant behaviour
in
that excuse of knowing
what I wanted
was not there
was not available

I allowed myself those masculine excesses
that which our culture allows me
to be frivolous and callous
with our affections

and I was content in such
a holding pattern
meaningless sex
with meaningless women

a meaningless period of life
waiting
for something more

but now
however unsure I may be
of any specific relationship
or of any specific woman

I am quite sure
that the sort of woman
which I desire
which I need
exists

and that
is a curse unto itself

for now
the casual beauties
with which I occupy myself
only make me feel worse

before
while there was a doubt
I could convince myself
that maybe just maybe
these women
of beauty
but lacking any remarkable intelligence
were the best I could do

that there was no better
to come in my life

I arrived at a point
where I was ready
nearly willing to accept the woman
who would be
but an arm piece to me
as
I
in my most cynical state
believed I would find no better

now
all of that has had
the shadow of doubt
cast upon it

the potential of so much more
has arisen like a malevolent ghost
and
for the first time in my life
I
feel dishonest when I sleep with a woman
and
I
do not like it at all

(no subject)

her name
is
Emily

the girl
in my bed

some how
in
this state of
somewhat but not quite
sobriety

that in important

as if it makes it better


that I know
or
care
what her name is

I actually
should confess
there is no
somewhat sobriety

I am indeed drunk
inebriated

and right now
the idea that I put my cock in a woman
specifically that woman
is
seeming less than ideal

but
somehow
her name

makes it feel
less
horrible


but
in truth
it is not

those eyes
nearly killed me

a young girl
I think she is about twenty
though
I never asked

her eyes while I was inside her
locked on mine

searching
begging
wanting

something more than
I was offering

but I relented
gave that which she wanted
allowed my eyes
to meet hers
to show her
what she wanted to see

allowed my eyes
to show
more than was there

no
not more than was there
but
more of who I was

I let her in those walls of mine
that I would meet her needs
give her
that which she wanted

but
I knew

in truth

I was not interested

and that
is my sin
my crime

and now
as I return to bed
to sleep beside
and in her arms

falsely and without merit

I know but despise
how
I will act
in hours to come

for
when she awakes
my arms around her
very likely
my cock inside her

I will lie
to her face
to her soul

not for my own ends
or my own satisfaction
but
that I may be kind to her

to make her feel that her actions
were not as foolish at they were

that it all did not mean
as little as it did

I will strive
to leave her feeling
like this was special

save my guilt
my consternation
for myself

that she
was a beautiful woman
I fucked
simply so that
I
would not
spend this night alone

that knowledge
I shall forever

keep to myself

(no subject)

I am about to go to sleep

to take a woman
in my arms

that I could care less about

well
no
more than any person
recently met

you know
how you feel
when you meet someone who seems
neat
nice
cool

who seems to be a good person

you kind of like them
but
really
without any shared history
you
cant really care that much about them

that's
how I feel

this woman
naked and warm
comforting as she will be in my arms

I just cant bring myself
to
care about her
any more
that a stranger

which I suppose she is


and

quite frankly
I wish she meant more
but
she does not

and

I think

maybe

I am too old for this shit

too old for meaningless women
and
casual sex

too old for romping around
like
I am twenty two

maybe
just maybe

it is time for me to grow up

only

there is a part of myself
that says

why?

for who?

and I can only guess
but
I have to think
that

as long as I act this way

I will never find
the woman I want

the woman who I can marry

instead doomed
to string of beautiful
but empty women
of empty affairs

that only leave me feeling worse

Everybody's a critic, but I have a question for yall

So

I finally got around to watching
the paris hilton video

which was
as
damn near everyone said

pretty pathetic

and

yeah I agree with the many comments

she does indeed have no ass
and couldnt suck a cock out of a paper bag

there has been commentary about
her cell phone ring tone and the TV in the background

even comments about how her eyes look raccoony
but nobody asked the most obvious question

if you are going to make a movie

why the fuck do you have the lights off?

If it was a scam like she didnt know I could understand
but both of them seemed into the fact it was being filmed
yet
it never occured to them
to turn on the lights?

that is some serious genius there

I'm too sexy for my livejournal

there is something

which satisfies me greatly
about

not only cooking amazing meals
but
photographing them
sharing them

and
of course

devouring them

I had intended to make a plum/tomato sauce
to accompany the tortelloni
but apparently they don't have plums
in Canada
at least not this time of year

but they did however
have these divine looking pears

so

one must work with what one has

so I will present
this evenings meal



Turkey Tortelloni
in a sauce of blanched pears
and reduced tomatoes
with fresh basil and garlic
sprinkle with asiago cheese
and
garish with slices of fresh pear
smoked mozzarella
and
of the final touch
a sprig of rosemary


it was entirely divine
the pears translucent and supple
mmm

and of course
accompanied by a baby spinach salad
which
I did not photograph tonight

(no subject)

At this moment


as I prepare to go out
for the evening

I am really getting much enjoyment
from listening to

Pachelbel's "Canon in D"

I highly recommend you give it a try


that is all

(no subject)

It is really too much to ask

that I get to fuck meet

an intelligent woman

once in a while?