A new experience

[plural]

that
of guilt

there is
as I type this

a beautiful and naked woman
in my bed

unconscious
with sleep and sex

and
I have never felt worse

well
maybe not never
but
still

there is guilt
weighing heavily upon my heart

and
I am simultaneously aware
and clueless
as to why

for many years
I have not really thought about sex
if I was attracted
and it happened
I was content
accepting

but tonight is different

I slept with a woman
who however beautiful she may be
was
not
what I desire

and it tears me apart


in many ways
I excused my rampant behaviour
in
that excuse of knowing
what I wanted
was not there
was not available

I allowed myself those masculine excesses
that which our culture allows me
to be frivolous and callous
with our affections

and I was content in such
a holding pattern
meaningless sex
with meaningless women

a meaningless period of life
waiting
for something more

but now
however unsure I may be
of any specific relationship
or of any specific woman

I am quite sure
that the sort of woman
which I desire
which I need
exists

and that
is a curse unto itself

for now
the casual beauties
with which I occupy myself
only make me feel worse

before
while there was a doubt
I could convince myself
that maybe just maybe
these women
of beauty
but lacking any remarkable intelligence
were the best I could do

that there was no better
to come in my life

I arrived at a point
where I was ready
nearly willing to accept the woman
who would be
but an arm piece to me
as
I
in my most cynical state
believed I would find no better

now
all of that has had
the shadow of doubt
cast upon it

the potential of so much more
has arisen like a malevolent ghost
and
for the first time in my life
I
feel dishonest when I sleep with a woman
and
I
do not like it at all

Comments

[hiraya.livejournal.com]

it seems to me that you've been experiencing new sensations lately all because of creatures of the female persuasion.

Wanting... Guilt... Nice to explore them, no?

I think you're gonna be all right.