(no subject)

[plural]

her name
is
Emily

the girl
in my bed

some how
in
this state of
somewhat but not quite
sobriety

that in important

as if it makes it better


that I know
or
care
what her name is

I actually
should confess
there is no
somewhat sobriety

I am indeed drunk
inebriated

and right now
the idea that I put my cock in a woman
specifically that woman
is
seeming less than ideal

but
somehow
her name

makes it feel
less
horrible


but
in truth
it is not

those eyes
nearly killed me

a young girl
I think she is about twenty
though
I never asked

her eyes while I was inside her
locked on mine

searching
begging
wanting

something more than
I was offering

but I relented
gave that which she wanted
allowed my eyes
to meet hers
to show her
what she wanted to see

allowed my eyes
to show
more than was there

no
not more than was there
but
more of who I was

I let her in those walls of mine
that I would meet her needs
give her
that which she wanted

but
I knew

in truth

I was not interested

and that
is my sin
my crime

and now
as I return to bed
to sleep beside
and in her arms

falsely and without merit

I know but despise
how
I will act
in hours to come

for
when she awakes
my arms around her
very likely
my cock inside her

I will lie
to her face
to her soul

not for my own ends
or my own satisfaction
but
that I may be kind to her

to make her feel that her actions
were not as foolish at they were

that it all did not mean
as little as it did

I will strive
to leave her feeling
like this was special

save my guilt
my consternation
for myself

that she
was a beautiful woman
I fucked
simply so that
I
would not
spend this night alone

that knowledge
I shall forever

keep to myself

Comments

may i...

[anjel.livejournal.com]

say to you
that i know
.
relentlessly
.
how your bedfellow feels.
i have been through this only recently
to wind up infatuated with a man that treats me as less than i deserve to be treated
i have shed tears over him
i have feared pregnancy from him
and yet
he is oblivious to the fact that i am little more than just
a mere fuck
he said so much
in those hours of passion
and wound up giving next to nothing
his drug and alcohol induced states...
comforting me as he wished to be comforted

i think
that i cannot do this
i crave adoration, comfort, and love.
and i will never get that from someone
who sees me as a just one of many

this 31 year old man
is a sorry sorry creature
if i didnt care so much what happened to him
i would be happy

but i do
and i dont
for the life of me
know how to combat that.

*hug* for you
at least you are coming to the realisation
that while casual sex
is ok for some
its something that will not sustain us forever.

im sorry for ranting
this is raw for me.