(no subject)

it is 3:05 am

I have not had a cigarette
for almost forty eight hours

I almost accepted one
from a little brunette
but decided not to

I really want a cigarette
I have always been more of a situational smoker
meaning that
my addiction has always been strongest
in that it was linked to activities

the worst nicotine fits
I will ever get is on ski lift chairs
because
as a child
I used to alway smoke
between runs
when I was a downhill racer

so now
every time I am on a lift chair
I must have a cigarette

tonight
I thought I would distract myself
with alcohol and women
and
during the process
of excessive drinking
and lavacious behaviour
it
actually did work

I didnt think about having a cigarette once

but now

with a naked woman
sleeping in my bed
and myself
mostly satiated
there
is
nothing I desire more
than
the satisfaction
of
a
cigarette

and
that simple satisfaction
I
shall continue
to
deny

myself

simply because
I am a difficult son of a bitch

and now
while my nerves are on edge
and
my skin seems to crawl
with desires repressed

I shall go to bed
and
wish all of you
a
good night

tomorrow
shall be another day
and
each day past
is
I suppose
a
good thing

(no subject)

I am such a fucking pussy

I really need an after nookie cigarette

but I don't want one

I can feel my skin crawling up my arm

and it is driving me nuts

I tried downing a couple of shots of bourbon
to
distract me

but it is really getting

under my skins

dammit I want a cigarette
but
I am
determined not to have one

fuck

fuck

fuck

this is a
serious

pain in the ass

why

oh

why

did I ever
decide
to
screw with
the idea of quitting anyway

maybe
it is
because I have smoked
for
more than half of my life
which
is pretty pathetic
considering I will only be 28 next month

and
I have been smoking for 16 years

there is just a part of me
that says
enough

wonders if I really need that as
a part of my life any more

and
to be honest
I do not think I do
but
you know
it is
something I enjoy
so
beyond any physical addiction
it
just need to be a decision
despite
whatever cravings

it is
just something
I will do

I think

god I suck
*grin*

love me

(no subject)

fuck it

no
cigarette for me

I am
going

to bury my head
in
the base of her neck

intoxicate myself
with
her smell
[and of course]
[copious amounts of bourbon]

and
pass the fuck out

let the jones'ing wait
for tomorrow

(no subject)

snip

snip

snip

yet

again

(no subject)

Wow

I was fucked up last night

mmm

half gallon of good bourbon

works wondrous things

I think in the future

when I do drunken posting

I am going to avoid reviewing said posts
the next morning

it is particularly embarrassing

Like for example

how I went from a sober [mostly] estimate of 29 hours without a cigarette at 11pm
to a drunken one of nearly 48 almost four hours later

yes
the bourbon was just that good

well in two hours [roughly]
it will actually have been 48 hours
and
about now
I am a bit confused

like for example I got this weird sort of pressure
behind my ears, almost an itch as well
then
the muscles in my arms feel funny
and
I feel unusually aware of random shit

cant tell
what is normal
and what is my body screaming for a cigarette

very strange

very strange indeed

got a date in four hours

have no idea
what the hell I am going to do with myself
until
then

man
time moves so damn slowly without cigarettes

any pause or awkward moment
can always be fixed by a cigarette

need something to do

light a smoke

they are so damn useful
at filling the spaces and pauses
in life

how do you non smokers do it

if you think about it

a cigarette takes me on average seven minutes to smoke
I smoke roughly a pack a day
so
that is one hundred and forty minutes of time
that I now need to fill

two freaking hours

now granted normally they aren't back to back
but
it seems they are now
I
thought I might watch a movie
but
then
I want to smoke

come to think of it
damn near anything I want to do
involves smoking
and
I still cant get over how weird
it is to have sex
without the cigarette
[as I never have before]

ugg

whatever

cravings be damned

I am not going to smoke
at least until I stop wanting one
then I can at least make a clear and irrational decision about it

(no subject)

it occurred to me

that my life
is one off

when I visit a place
it is not the same place
the same experience that
others have

I travelled to south beach
my only real visit to Florida
save a two week trip
split between a week of canoeing in the everglades
and kayaking in the keys

but
the south beach I saw
was not the south beach you would

I was visiting an ex of mine
a model for elite model management
and partying with her and her friends
I saw the side of south beach
that would make E!Wild on drool
lines and cover charges didn't exist
liquor was free for the most part

I have noticed this as a theme in my life

not that I have sought it particularly
but
in general the rules that apply to most
simply do not apply to me

this has benefits and disadvantages
as with anything

but really more than anything else
the
reason I post this now
is
curiosity

It occurred to me
that I really have no idea
what your life is like

so tell me
whether in short or long form
because I am truly curious

just what
just how

your life is

(no subject)

in case there was any doubt

yes

I am under the influence

but

I have a date in

73 minutes

with a particularly hot chick
that
I don't really have any desire to sleep with

but
I probably will
because
I am
just that much of a loser

but
right now

I am really hungry
and
need food

oh
yeah
and a cigarette
would be good too
but
no
not gonna happen

that sucks

yep

definitely

The Good Old Times

Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?

And days of auld lang syne my dear,
And days of auld lang syne,
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?

And there's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gi's a hand o'thine,
We'll take a cup o'kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o'kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.