(no subject)

I am

particularly pathetic

you see

I sleep with women to re-affirm my own self image

i.e.

tonight I put my cock
inside two beautiful women
therefore

I am good enough

it is a despicable cycle
in which I am trapped

you see
if a woman is attractive
I am unable to help myself
I must sleep with her
therefore to vindicate and validate myself

the truly sorry
and pathetic part

is yet to come

I really do not enjoy it
do not care for it

in my mind
in my heart
I am ashamed

but

I cannot resist

I need to sleep with these women
because
I have nothing else

I have no one woman
to make all others obsolete

I believe
not in the perfect woman
but
in the singular woman:
that one which one could commit too
absolutely
universally
without hesitation

and I

having met
loved
adored
and worshiped her once

am
eternally
searching for my second chance

for that second woman
who will meet those desires
which I need more than
all else


it is difficult being the slut
needing the sexual attention of others
to feel complete
to get a decent nights sleep

would that I could love
like others do
like others can

but I am not that way
my life
is not so simple
for my life
is
a mixed blessing
curse

inundated with women of incredible beauty
and incredible tragedy

but I

what of my wants
of my needs

why is it that such things always seem to come last

why is it that I can never seek what I want first

I adore women
one and all
I will admit this
but I want one woman more than all others
and
that woman
seems beyond me

it is a constant state of confusion and frustration
because
that woman I adore
is
not beyond me
because of some lacking within myself

at least not in my perception
which
as always could be incorrect

no
my fear is not that
I am somehow inadequate
but rather
that my past has so condemned me
that I am no longer worthy
that
regardless of my heart
of my desires
I am too used
to abused
to be worthy of her

There was a moment
where I
holding her in my arms
want nothing more than to kiss her
but
I could not

not because of any fear of acceptance on my part
but
because she knew me too well
I was afraid
not that she would reject me
but
that she would think
herself just another number
just another woman
in the long list that I have entertained

how do you convince
a woman
that she is not
just another number

when you have been
nothing as much
as a complete slut

that is I
a slut extraordinaire
my self worth
my value as a human being
has been established by
those women I have slept with

and I made god in my own image

it is how things are
it is how things have been
it is how things will be

how life ambles on

that wound your closest love
placed in the back of your heart

shall never quite heal
never quite close

emotional stigmata
for a false messiah

I stand here
before you
eternally naked
of spirit
of soul

there are no guises left for me here
even my most precious skeletons
lie naked

I wonder how many of you
will ever understand
the first thing
about me

but I fear to ask the question
those of you who have met me
I wonder
how do you balance this picture
with that model

do they seem a coherent image
or
disjointed?

each day
in this place
I face my own demons
dance, laugh and sleep with them
incestuous thoughts and adulterous emotions
revel with us
in a bacchanalian festival
under the open light of day

tell me of your secrets
how do they feel
deep in your heart
in your soul

locked away like something shameful