odd ponderings

Things about me
someone asked recently "why do the extreme great and nasty happen to you?"
I wrote a response
which I guess worked but I have been thinking about it
and other things, kind of came up with this...

I am a person of extremes

I love you or I am apathetic to you
kind or cruel
attentive or absent
humble and arrogant
now I don't want to be misunderstood
I am not flighty
if I love you
I love you forever
even if I decide I cannot have you in my life
I still care greatly...

To be honest
I am probably not a very good man
I have my moments
some good some worse

When I was in high school
there was a Japanese kid
he was 18, I was 15 or so
we had a major disagreement
being that he thought I should
defer to him and kiss his ass as he was older
my response was "Go fuck yourself"
it didn't go over well..
anyway one day
coming back from soccer practice
I am in the front row of the van
he is in one the back rows
as I am getting out, he tries to barge past me
I was having none of it
and shoved him back into the van and got out.
he pushed me and got in my face
It was about a second away from blows and I backed off
"fuck it, you aren't worth it"

probably not the most diplomatic way to end it
I see in hindsight
I backed up two steps and walked away
I heard movement behind me
and started to turn around
when he hit me
right in the temple
I dropped to one knee
I was seeing stars
my vision was blurred
and I blacked out

I come too
a few minutes later
with three guys holding me down
I was like what the fuck are you guys doing
after a moment they let me up
and I was escorted away

apparently I had gone berserk on the guy
and they were waiting for an ambulance
to take him to the hospital
I broke his arm in two places
cracked three of his ribs
caved in his knee
and left him needing 147 stitches
most were caused by his braces as they were fused to his cheeks
but I opened a nasty gash above one eye as well

The school called the police
who interviewed me
the witnesses
and the kid

They determined
not only was I not at fault
but the other kid being 18
was charged with assaulting a minor

In the end
he was deported back to Japan

at first
I rode the tide of excitement
of stupidity that follows a fight in high school
"Man you kicked his ass"
"Served him right for fucking with you"
and I believed it
then sitting somewhere
sneaking a smoke
It hit me

what kind of fucking schmuck was I?

sure he made a mistake
not specifically with me
but in general
but what price
had I made him pay for that mistake?

I had been angry over the fight
so when they asked
if I wanted to press charges
I said absolutely

I wish I hadn't

odd ponderings part two

strange thing happened the other day
my ex called me and wanted my opinion
about a job she was thinking about taking
whether it would be a good idea
could she be successful?
etc

my first thought was
"umm why the hell are you calling me? why don't you ask your boyfriend"
but I didn't say that
I took a moment
asked all the real life questions
gave her the best advice I could
on what warning signs to look for..
She is thinking about going into sales
high-end stuff, salary + commission
so I ran through the scenario
and told her to go for it...
she has nothing to lose
if it doesn't work out she can always go back to a job like her current one

then she asks me
if I can help her out with contacts, sales prospects
because I know a lot of wealthy people who might be interested in her product
I said I would see what I could do
but was rather appalled

maybe I am just off base in my thinking
but isn't that kind of a reach to ask your ex something like that?

I am a generous guy
often too generous
but I figure
what the point of what I have
if I cant help those I care for
even if we are going seperate ways
I didnt want to make her life
harder for her than it had to be..

I let her live with me rent free
for three months, to get herself together
which she didn't and ended up moving in with a guy
she had been on 4 dates with, but anyway
She was miserable at her job
so I called a friend made a recommendation
scheduled the damn interview even
all she had to do, was show up
appear somewhat professional and intelligent
and the job was her's
even made sure she they offered her a nice raise over her current salary...

I don't want to be her friend
though she really wants us too..
maybe I am schmuck for saying so
but we had stopped being friends
for sometime when she finally moved out
so I don't see the point of putting in the effort
to rebuild something that wasn't there anymore?

Hocus Pocus Mumbo Jumbo ... or ... more inane crap about me...

In my current introspective mood
I went to visit The Oracle
as with most new-age hocus pocus they generally babble to much
but some of it I found quite direct
I have severely parsed it
to leave only the lines I feel are most insightful

although they rarely give much space to it
I have left in what little negative stuff there was
without editing for posterity

The Good:

You manage to cram many lifetimes into one.
You do well in face-to-face and gut-level situations that would exhaust most people.
You really come into your own when the going gets tough.

Your keyword is responsibility -- the ability to respond.
A genius at bringing it out others, getting them to do things, you are a born strategist

Good things tend to come your way, and you could end up with a lot of money, property -- possessions of all kinds.
Given to grand gestures, you love independence and greatness in all forms and are very regal.
You are by nature generous, and probably give as much as you get.

Your sense of discernment when it comes to matters of literary and intellectual taste is very refined.
You find it easy to work with music, color, fabric, and the arts -- whatever is beautiful and genial.
You would make a superb decorator of homes and, in general, all kinds of environments.

Idealism is an innate talent, and you are in love with grand gestures and long thoughts.
Religion, politics and philosophy are natural.
The world traveler. You enjoy fair, just, frank, and broad-minded persons.

You seldom hide how you feel and therefore are no stranger to an occasional argument.
Confident, single-minded, you are sometimes rash but are always direct -- straight out.

Big heart, big love, you are seldom petty.
Fervently loyal, you are courageous and demonstrative.
Younger people, the helpless, and the needy can always be found under your umbrella.

you seek to be independent and able to take care of your own needs.
You are attracted to ideas of braveness, leadership, and strength
which suggests that you have a kind and gentle manner.
Others see you as caring and very interested in their well being.
You are a diplomat -your tact, kindness, and concern for others is obvious.
You find it easy to accept the ideas and thoughts of others and to hear them out.
You really do have very different ideas and ways of expressing them.

Your career is never a problem, for you have the kind of drive that others can only dream about.
You tend to be the one who takes the initiative and are courageous and often fearless to the point of being foolish.
Success for you in most things is second nature.

You have risen above ordinary luck as you experience your place in the "flow" of larger cyclical patterns. You are able to reach out at the proper moment and grasp exactly what you want and need.
The results meet the definition of luck in every way.

You are innovative in sexual matters (anything taboo) and have insights into what makes our darker side tick.
You have new thoughts on desires and possessions.
You enjoy sex and respect cravings of all kinds


The Bad

You have trouble controlling yourself and tend to fluctuate between uninspired routine and crazy binges.
Your sense of responsibility and the way you go about organizing your life seem like a prison sentence.
You rule out any possibility of change, all spontaneity.
You get so set in your ways that you can't help but revolt and break out.
Your flings have a total lack of caution.
When they die down, you find yourself seeking refuge in the same old routine, and we begin again.

You come on strong and may tend to intimidate those around you.
It's nothing you have done so much as something you are.
Your presence and obvious concentration are very forceful, and you like to get down to essentials right off.
This intensity tends to put others through a lot of changes.
You are not afraid of a good confrontation, and you seldom pull any punches.

Post Mortum:

Just reading this over
and realizing that my editing
of the positive things
shows almost as much about me and what I value
as the words themselves

I have in the interest of posterity, left the negitivish stuff alone as I don't trust myself to edit it honestly

Moral Turpitude and other fun plans for the evening

In my current ponderings
I have decided something
I am not making the best use
of the investment I made in my house

I attempted and failed
a program
by which I slept in a different bedroom
each night of the week
with the weekends reserved for the master bedroom
but I found
that I only had beds
in two of the spare bedrooms
which meant I would have to sleep on the floor in the other two

I tried to alternate bathrooms
but found myself
getting overly confused
as I never could remember which
I was supposed to use next

I have therefore decided to rectify this concern

how?

I shall tell you...

I have decided to recruit for myself

a harem

I think I will start
with three women
and leave the fourth spot open
for the right someone

Hmmm
wondering if I could advertise for something like that?
put up a sign..

Harem Girls Wanted...
Inquire within...

Hmm I think my homeowner's association might not like that.

Maybe a newspaper ad...

Wanted beautiful intelligent women
to join a fledgling harem

Job duties will include...
lounging mostly naked on giant pillows,
feeding me grapes and other delectable treats
fanning, massaging, reading and composing poetry
providing an escorting to various social functions
and other various forms of companionship

hmm yes
I rather like that.

Oh and I should probably ask them to include a photo as well...