Things I want ... or ... what the hell was that last post about anyway...

[plural]

To me
My recent post was an internally clarifying event.

To a large degree, much of it was already known to me
but perhaps
it served to weave together different aspects
create a more unified theme.

I have long lived a life
forsaking the calm cool valleys
for the high peak and low chasms

I suppose when you've been where I've been
the lowest darkest chasm
doesn't seem so bad
and
if it is the risk
you must take
for a few minutes upon the highest peak

well
then it is so very worth it.


I see human society and its god
as a moderating force

preaching safety at the expense of greatness
ownership at the expense of exploration
contentment at the expense of inspiration

I do not want to get married to a woman who will love me for the rest of my life
I do not want to simply check that box and put away the list

rather I want to get marry a woman
who will expect me to make her fall madly in love with me
every single day for the rest of my life
and be committed to making me fall in love with her
every single day for the rest of her life

I want the challenge of waking up every morning
and thinking "How will I make her fall in love with me today?"

I want to be the man who succeeds at this task.

To me it seems there are two paths

that of a collector of life
and that of a rider of life

in the former, you collect symbols and trinkets
things to create emotional attachments to
things to store memories in
you possess life

in the latter you collect merely memories
chase dreams
ride the wave

forget the mousetrap
lets build a better mouse

The last post wasn't a question of good or evil
but rather the path and the methodology of doing either.

You can live the stagnant life and be evil
You can live the creative life and be good

The choice to do one or the other is entirely separate.

Sure, each has its temptations and pitfalls.

How easy it is to sit back on your safe porch and judge others,
laugh at their failures and call them ridiculous,
all while never even making the attempt yourself

Is that good? Is that evil? Something in between?

I suppose one can decide
to own things or to do things

sure there is always some overlap
but I would much rather
spend my life held rapt by the glories and challenges of life
than
be surrounded by pretty things
than live in a comfortable prison

I am reminded of a childhood game
where you grab a friend by the wrists
put your feet close together
lean back and spin around
as fast as you can

the blood rushes to your head
you feel lightheaded and giddy
then your hand slips
and without the counterbalance
you both fall
scraping knees and bruising elbows

but so what?

I want to love like that
and
I want to get up again and again
scraped elbows and bruised knees
and trust my hands to her once more

knowing full well that she will fail me
knowing full well that I will fail her
knowing that pain is a definite result
knowing that the pain will be ever so worth it

and

having loved like that once
I cannot imagine any other way
I cannot accept any other way

except
to believe
with my whole heart

that the juice is worth the squeeze.

Comments

[geminiwench.livejournal.com]

I read a study that surmised at a genetic predisposition in men to take risks. Women, are a more calm breed because our survival insures the survival of the population. 12 women and 3 men can survive for a couple generations, as long as new blood is brought in within the first two generations. 12 men and 3 women will have a MUCH MUCH harder time at it.

And since men are needed to breed and for protection for the children and women,.. but since it only takes a couple men to impregnate many women to create a new generation... men are drawn toward ways to win themselves a mate (or mates) to ensure they pass on their genes. Power, money, and status are what they can achieve to gain mates,... the risk involved in doing so is necessary for men... but this means that men are more likely to be risk-takers over all.

He says that this accounts for the high male CEO population vs female CEO population... as well as the high male incarceration and arrests vs female incarceration and arrests. That women, are usually the safe flyers, because as long as they are alive and can breed, the population has a better chance at surviving... whereas men usually need to vie for female approval for mating rights and they need to stand out from the crowd.

This also accounts for men in dangerous occupations,.. big risk with financial payoff (usually) and women and their precious wombs are not put in harms way.

Yeah... your opener made me think about that, thought I would share.

You're kind of an asshole, but you sure are a romantic, too.
That was supposed to be some sort of compliment, but now Im not too sure.

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

While I don't think it'd be obvious to the casual observer, I think you and I are very similar in this outlook.

The difference lay in intensity. For example I'm far more prone to build some piece of bullshit just for the experience of doing it... I think you on the otherhand would rather embrace life to its fullest on some external experience... That there is an etherial, completely intangible quality beyond actual physical experience that defines life.

For some it's the act of being able to go into a store and buy... buy an expensive handbag (on credit, or in cash), where 'expensive' is defined by the user. For others it's the ability to buy an expensive car, or rare art, or whatever... That in some way these things will define you.

For me I got that shit out of my system very young, because while I knew I was able to get 'more' than anyone I knew, I learned very quickly that there exist people who can always get more... Where's the trick in that? (this also lead to an interesting side observation that money and wealth is really about organization and not, you know, cash but that's another rant). I often tell the boys, "Any fool can spend money... if you can create something, that's a horse of a very different color" (it's also true that any fool can make money, lots of it... it isn't really a trick it's just a question of 1) how organized you are, and 2) what you are willing to do for it). This is why for me, building things, making things isn't about the things, it's about the doing. That old BMW I had wasn't so much about actually riding it, or owning it, it was an excercise in maintaining it... to marvel in the artistry of what people where thinking when they designed it...

For you, however it seems it's about only the doing, and not to actually achieve something tangible in the end. I think of that furst hurricane back in '03 where you got me to drag a picnic table out front to play cards and drink, and to entice others to join us... You convincing me to take the boys to the zoo instead of working on the house...

Economists, long ago noted that people are motivated by 'other' things beyond the actual value of things. They call it utility. My father and I had a discussion about this (why I had to remind an Ivy League Ph.D. in economics about it is beyond me). The conversation went like this:

MF: I love BMWs.
BB: I'd never own one. I just don't have a use for them...
MF: but I've go the sports model... great tires, and if you maintain them, the last forever,
BB: but I don't care about driving fast anymore, for me the interest is have a car that gets me reliably ---
MF: but they ARE reliable --
BB: but so's a Honda. I'm not saying you're wrong for liking BMWs, I'm only pointing out that My utility is satisfied by something 'other'.

My point for all of this?

It's all about utility, brother. Your utility in life is satisfied by something 'other'. The trick is finding someone else whose 'other' is in alignment.

[soft-steps.livejournal.com]

Aligning utilities?
It could be because I am tired... but I find that kinky
*wink*
(making this comment completely cheapens the deep discussion you boys are havin'... but I do so enjoy my sleepy, kinky thoughts, and sharing is caring)
*grin*

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

That's the wonderful thing about the definition of utillity, it can made to represent anything. In fact if you invert it, a Loss function that can comingle with the action space to quantify risk... man I think I need a cold shower.

[plural.livejournal.com]

You math geeks are kinky in a way I'll never understand.

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

I still remember the first time I tried to do analysis homework (that would be foundational proofs of calculus) after I'd taken mushrooms.

All I can say is don't ever try it. It isn't nearly as interesting as you may think, and quite honestly it sort of freaked me out.

[plural.livejournal.com]

lol

nah I've found that numbers get quite irrational when you're on drugs, almost as bad as girlfriends/wives.

[plural.livejournal.com]

kinky?

mmm

I can live with kinky.

*grin*

[plural.livejournal.com]

It may not be obvious to the casual observer but for all we enjoy yammering back and forth on most any subject, I've always known that we tend towards running very similar and in many ways parallel tracks.

I think you've hit it pretty much spot on, I've pretty much learned that achieving something material/tangible is easy, often inconvenient and rarely as satisfying as it appears.

To me an experience, particularly a shared experience, is a tangible thing, if only to my mind. It is something that feeds my soul, reminds me why I woke up this morning.

Not just this morning, rather it is sustaining, as even now, I can't help but smile even now remembering that night. Not to mention, it isn't often that someone quite literally drinks me under the table.

If we all end up at the same place(dead)/then the process of how we live must be what defines value. If it is the process which defines value/then how and with who we experience life is what truly matters.

Obviously there are pesky little concerns with things like basic needs but beyond that, it is as the prophet said:

do be do be do...

As I said here years ago

my highest calling is

to be a decent human
a good friend,
an excellent husband and father
and an exquisite host

do be do be do...

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

Not to mention, it isn't often that someone quite literally drinks me under the table.

To be fair:

1) I did switch to beer early on.
2) I got a second wind when that dude across the street (ray) got home at four AM.
3) You missed the excersion into the swamp.
4) I was hung over for literally three days... So much so, I think I actually stopped drinking for about a year.

[plural.livejournal.com]

Fair 'nough

What a shame that was, but I think I'd put enough of a dent in that 1.75 liter of knob to make such a walkabout not all that good of an idea

and

Yeah, H was quite surprised to see me alive let alone cheerful the next morning.

[asrei.livejournal.com]

Still waiting on my email. ;)