Horoscopes By Lloyd Schumner Sr. Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

[plural]

[selected ones anyway]

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Your habit of falling out of trees, attempting to hide behind signposts, and following three feet behind people in broad daylight will force the government to adopt stricter ninja-certification standards.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Although you've never wanted to accomplish anything in your life as far as career and family are concerned, time travelers will persist on trying to kill you, simply because you make such great panic noises.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your utter self-confidence and endless optimism will provide boundless, if temporary, comfort to those trapped with you in the burning bus.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Your cycle of drug, alcohol, and sex addiction will get even worse this week, but only for you personally. Most of your friends are still enjoying the hell out of it.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You've never been much of a people person, so it will annoy you no end when most of your town stops by on Friday for no reason but to hang out.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You will soon take a rather unromantic but extremely long night journey over and through a large body of water.

Comments

[asrei.livejournal.com]

Oi!!
Where's leo!

[plural.livejournal.com]

leo failed to amuse me

sorry

[asrei.livejournal.com]

*hiss*

[plural.livejournal.com]

umm

dont you mean

*roar*

[asrei.livejournal.com]

Ima girl leo..
not a boy leo

[plural.livejournal.com]

yes I rather knew that
however

does a lioness not also *roar*?

I'm fairly sure I've never heard one hiss
on the nature channel

[asrei.livejournal.com]

Do not confuse roar and scream.

[plural.livejournal.com]

scream, interesting

now I'm curious

what about moan?

[asrei.livejournal.com]

Easier to muffle than a scream.

[plural.livejournal.com]

and why would someone want to do that?

see to take all the fun out of it if you ask me

[asrei.livejournal.com]

Indeed.

;)

[keyl.livejournal.com]

God damn.

For once, a really interesting horoscope for Capricorn. Normally they're so staid and responsible, they're mind-numbingly boring.

I totally plan on living this particular horoscope prediction to the fullest.

[plural.livejournal.com]

mmm is that all it takes?

wow I should have started bribing those folks long ago

[whatdot.livejournal.com]

Note to self: Start following four feet behind people, and find wider signposts.

[plural.livejournal.com]

and please

no trees

[http://users.livejournal.com/_sacchi/]

And how could you leave out the powerful and passionate scorpio.

Schmuck.

[erika]

That's what I was thinking. Luckily, I already read The Onion and its hilarious horoscopes.

[ignote.livejournal.com]

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Although you've never wanted to accomplish anything in your life as far as career and family are concerned, time travelers will persist on trying to kill you, simply because you make such great panic noises.

Ha! This had me choking on hot coffee -- I do panic rather loudly, and the first bit is probably true, too.

[campbellconey.livejournal.com]

i am addicted to Mr. Schummer's horror-scopes. I'm cancer-- and I do make great panic noises, just so you know.