Nihilistic Lust and Atheistic Dreams

[plural]

I feel envious of the atheist
jealous of the cynic

how much easier would it be
for it all to mean nothing at all
to simply go about without concern
for meaning or virtue
to live solely by my whims

for I am exceedingly good
at getting what I want
so much so that I nearly always do

at least where whims are concerned

you see
I have a problem
I am exceedingly good with money
I am exceedingly good with people
its the soul I have trouble with
mine in particular

like everyone I believe
I have a tendency to lust after
that which I do not possess
which perhaps I cannot have

only for me it is only
in this one area
I am so denied
so you can see why it is
so frustrating

it is difficult for me to understand
no that isn't the right word
to accept
that I am unable to simply make it happen
as I do with everything else
I learned long ago to force my will
on the world around me
to shape it to my needs
and produce those things I need or desire

but people are always problematic
especially when it comes to getting your will
you can bend someone to your will
even do it gracefully so they aren't even aware
they are being guided

but that isn't what I want
from my life and my relationships
puppets to dance around me

rather I want people to share it with
both friends and lovers
who are equals and partners
in bringing a sense of meaning and value
to this life

and that cant be willed into being
however much I could wish it

it is the meaning and value
which really is the tricky part
but
join up with the nihilists
join up with the atheists
and that problem goes away

so you can see why it is so tempting

but alas
I have an unwavering belief in god
however poor our relationship maybe
and
I am unable to quash my idealistic tendencies
however cynical I may pretend to be
that cynicism is merely sour grapes

I want my life to have meaning
my relationships as well
I have romantic dreams
and ideals of the man
husband and father
I wish to be
and I too often fear
that none of them will ever get the chance to be

it is entirely frustrating to be so impotent
in just this one area of my life
like a festering wound of inadequacy
which glares out at me

makes me question myself
makes me question my value

I am a man of action not thought
even though I think too much
I am happiest when I can be moving towards a goal
doing things to make other things happens
molding my world to suit me

nothing frustrates me as much
as being unable to act
unable to affect the outcome
being utterly helpless

it transports me back
to that one night on the Caribbean sea
where I was the most helpless
watching that which I held most precious
ripped from my arms

So many dreams, hopes and plans
and indeed a large part of me
died with her that night
and
I swore
never again would I be so helpless

but I am
ultimately just that
at the mercy of gods whims
seemingly doomed to live this life
of empty gentility
a golden shell surrounding a rotting fruit

so much of my self esteem
stems from my accomplishments
my never ending string of successes
it feels good to look at myself and say
I did that
I made that happen
that mark on this world is mine
but
then I see that puss filled boil of impotence
in the one area which means the most
and the entire illusion shatters
as I am unable to lance it
drain its bitterness
heal the infection

what good is it to make money
so what if I built a house
if it is just going to lie empty

and all that space serves just to remind me of this singular failure

Comments

[lamotocyclette.livejournal.com]

Take risks.

[tharine.livejournal.com]

ah! empathy sent to you- how little it is, i know. but forgive me for not having the perfect thing to say that explicates an understanding and insightful addendum to this problem- the envy of the apathetic. i know how you feel, for what its worth.

id tap dance or make you ice cream,
to encourage a brief celebration in idealism-
to give you a smile. so there.

[plural.livejournal.com]

could you tap dance while making me ice cream, cause that would be something

Re:

[tharine.livejournal.com]

yes.

ya know, if the pay off was right, i imagine i could tap dance while doing just about anything.
great concentration required for sure, but im a capable gal.

[plural.livejournal.com]

the images abound

and

I am sure we could work out

something

*wicked grin*

My humble two cents...

[azul.livejournal.com]

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do for yourself, particulary in the realm of love. Just...go for it. Easier said than done, of course, but it's all in the chances, all in the risks. That's where you find the most truth, in the in-between moments...

two cents most appreciated

[plural.livejournal.com]

*grin*

yeah, I know I often think way too much

as for the love thing

my problem isnt not going for it
its finding something to go for

I have no problem talking to women, seducing women, being that charming bastard that I am so well, but I cant find someone who I am interested in being with after talking with them for ten minutes

I simply havent met anyone I was interested in persuing in nearly two years
and that is what is so frustrating

the year I was in north carolina, I was meeting women right and left, I had a bajillion [well not quite] first dates and had zero desire to see any of them a second time

hell, the only woman I even considered asking out a second time, nearly talked me unconscious during our first date, my eyes got so heavy, I had to excuse myself to go wash my face so I wouldnt fall asleep at the table.

but atleast she was intelligent, or more importantly willing to act intelligent, god knows how many women I dated there who felt they had to hide their intelligence.

I want a beautiful woman absolutely, but one with a brilliant mind as well, someone creative and into living life not some britney spears wannabe who aspires to be nothing more than an inflatable sex doll.

Re: two cents most appreciated

[azul.livejournal.com]

Intelligence is very sexy, one of the reasons I'm sure women are taken with you. However, it always seems like the dumb girls are into smart guys, and the smart girls are in to dumb guys...you're in search of a rare breed.

I say keep your standards high and see what happens...that will help you weed out the ones with baggage and issues...the bad kind anyway. I won't say you're going to find exactly what you're looking for, but the search might be fun, eh?

the rare breed

[plural.livejournal.com]

yeah
thats becoming rather apparent

*grin*

I cant see lowering my standards, I mean sure, I feel like I am ready for a serious relationship, but I am not going to rush into one even if I find the right type of girl (not that I will run away either) let alone be with someone who isnt what I want just to placate a sense of loneliness.

sure from time to time I get lonely, but I enjoy my own company more than most people's so for the most part, I do all right.

and the search was a lot more fun when it atleast took a few dates to weed someone out, then atleast I got that burst of energy and desire to explore a person, now days most of my interactions leave me nearly nauseated, hell I have to dive into some pretty deep denial just to fool myself into being interested enough to persue the occasional tryst for mediocre physical gratification.

lol and I babble on once again, I guess I will blame sleep deprivation, apologize for being such a bore, and see if I cant actually get myself some sleep

and btw, I appreciate the encouragement, sometimes it just all seems a bit futile and empty

[nandan.livejournal.com]

Always delighted to read your tortured ramblings. I have every confidence that you will end up with all that you deserve. ; )

[asrei.livejournal.com]

its the soul I have trouble with
mine in particular

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Remind me one day to email you with my theory.