Nihilistic Lust and Atheistic Dreams

[plural]

I feel envious of the atheist
jealous of the cynic

how much easier would it be
for it all to mean nothing at all
to simply go about without concern
for meaning or virtue
to live solely by my whims

for I am exceedingly good
at getting what I want
so much so that I nearly always do

at least where whims are concerned

you see
I have a problem
I am exceedingly good with money
I am exceedingly good with people
its the soul I have trouble with
mine in particular

like everyone I believe
I have a tendency to lust after
that which I do not possess
which perhaps I cannot have

only for me it is only
in this one area
I am so denied
so you can see why it is
so frustrating

it is difficult for me to understand
no that isn't the right word
to accept
that I am unable to simply make it happen
as I do with everything else
I learned long ago to force my will
on the world around me
to shape it to my needs
and produce those things I need or desire

but people are always problematic
especially when it comes to getting your will
you can bend someone to your will
even do it gracefully so they aren't even aware
they are being guided

but that isn't what I want
from my life and my relationships
puppets to dance around me

rather I want people to share it with
both friends and lovers
who are equals and partners
in bringing a sense of meaning and value
to this life

and that cant be willed into being
however much I could wish it

it is the meaning and value
which really is the tricky part
but
join up with the nihilists
join up with the atheists
and that problem goes away

so you can see why it is so tempting

but alas
I have an unwavering belief in god
however poor our relationship maybe
and
I am unable to quash my idealistic tendencies
however cynical I may pretend to be
that cynicism is merely sour grapes

I want my life to have meaning
my relationships as well
I have romantic dreams
and ideals of the man
husband and father
I wish to be
and I too often fear
that none of them will ever get the chance to be

it is entirely frustrating to be so impotent
in just this one area of my life
like a festering wound of inadequacy
which glares out at me

makes me question myself
makes me question my value

I am a man of action not thought
even though I think too much
I am happiest when I can be moving towards a goal
doing things to make other things happens
molding my world to suit me

nothing frustrates me as much
as being unable to act
unable to affect the outcome
being utterly helpless

it transports me back
to that one night on the Caribbean sea
where I was the most helpless
watching that which I held most precious
ripped from my arms

So many dreams, hopes and plans
and indeed a large part of me
died with her that night
and
I swore
never again would I be so helpless

but I am
ultimately just that
at the mercy of gods whims
seemingly doomed to live this life
of empty gentility
a golden shell surrounding a rotting fruit

so much of my self esteem
stems from my accomplishments
my never ending string of successes
it feels good to look at myself and say
I did that
I made that happen
that mark on this world is mine
but
then I see that puss filled boil of impotence
in the one area which means the most
and the entire illusion shatters
as I am unable to lance it
drain its bitterness
heal the infection

what good is it to make money
so what if I built a house
if it is just going to lie empty

and all that space serves just to remind me of this singular failure