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been thinking quite a bit recently
that whole introspection thing

it started with some well placed questions
as part of the shower meme and
my mind has meandered on from there

Yesterdays post was the result
of some realizations I have had
quite frankly things I think I would have preferred not to realize

what you might ask?

I realized I am not a particularly good mate

an excellent lover without question
and
a true friend without hesitation
but
when it comes to relationships
the value of my stock decreases dramatically

there is a old tale
in which king Arthur is asked to bring justice to a wicked knight
he rides out to the knights castle to do battle
but no sooner than he steps on to the grounds
that his strength is sapped and his head grew faint

He is given the choice between surrendering himself and all his lands
or returning in one year with the one true answer to the following question
"What thing is it which women most desire"

King Arthur accepts the terms and gives his oath
the king rode east and the king rode west
and inquired of all what women most desire

some told him riches, some pomp and state;
some mirth and some flattery; and some a gallant knight

with such diversity of answers he could find no sure dependance

As the year grew to a close
Arthur was approached by a woman
of such hideous aspect that he turned away his eyes
and did not answer her when she spoke
She chastised him for his poor behavior
and offered to give him the answer he sought

He replied that if she could, she could name her reward and he would grant it
Arthur gives his oath and the lady told him the secret and demanded for her reward
that the king should find some handsome and courtly knight to be her husband

King Arthur hastened to the grim barons castle
and provided in turn all the answers he had been provided
by his advisors save the last
and to each he was denied as the true answer

The Baron demanded that he yield
and King Arthur requested to speak once more
this time uttering the words granted to him by the hag

"All women would have their will"

and you see
this is the solitary thing
which I am unable to grant my loves

their will

I am a private person
not just in that I am often not willing to share my thoughts
but also in that I require a substantial amount of time
alone with my thoughts

I am also fairly selective about my past
I absolutely do not feel it is in anyway her right to know
my past is mine alone, as is hers to her
what I choose to share and how I choose to share it
is entirely at my discretion

I will never betray someone else's confidence
no matter how much I love a woman
if I am unsure if it would be considered a breech
I always err on the side of caution
this leads to many unanswered questions.

It is not, as often I have been accused of not trusting them
but a matter of not having the right to trust them

I will never ask someone to betray anothers confidence, however small
for what difference is there between my confidence and theirs
if they are willing to betray another, then what trust can exist between us

If I am willing to betray another, what trust can you have that I will not betray you?

I am willing to compromise in my life sure
but I am unable to compromise myself intentionally

or am I?
perhaps I am only unwilling to compromise myself on behalf of another
and maybe that is the problem

clarity of mind and thoughts
is an elusive thing
my hands grasp it for a fleeting moment
only to have it
turn to mist and shadow and flee
leaving me
unsure
with only another piece of the puzzle
to ponder on
late into the night

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ah, but the right one will understand these things.

I heard that and I immediately thought What shit, who DOESN'T want their will?

You shouldn't have to explain these things to someone who fits you, and they probalby won't ask if they're you're ideal match. My boyfriend and I have never discussed our pasts, which suits me just fine.

So who did King Arthur get to marry the old bat?

Gawain

and his wedding was a solemn affair
but he went through it with diginity
ignoring the jeers of others

on his wedding night
he turned to face his new bride
only to find that she was no longer hideously ugly

she explained that she had been cursed and that by marrying her he had removed half of the curse
and she could be her natural self
[which is described as quite comely]
either during the day or the night

he said that he would prefer she be beautiful at night for when they were together

she countered asking would it not be better if she was beautiful during the day to better represent him in society

he accepted her prefer choice
and in granting her will
dispelled the curse entirely

I've noticed that no one in those stories seem to have any real problems whatsoever. It's always that some physical part of them has been transfigured and the only way it can be changed is by circumstances clear to no one, yet some lucky fellow always seems to stumble upon the right answer. Just a thought. Sorry, had nothing really to do with your post.

Um...I'm sure you're quite a lovely man. Keep up the good work.

you wrote, "I realized I am not a particularly good mate"

that might or might not be true. because a mate is just like a match or a friend or a lover, or some combination of all those things in one, plus maybe a little bit more - or sometimes less. because you might be a great mate for some people and a bad one for others, and you might be both at different points in time to one person.

i'm not saying you shouldn't strive to be more, or aspire to be better... but each person looks for different things. and sometimes what someone needs ends up being different than what someone thinks they want. and that is part of what makes life so interesting.

as for granting someone their will - a lady friend, more specifically - how do you not grant them that? do you make all the decisions all the time? or what? a relationship usually has a good measure of compromise, unless both people just innately want the same thing all the time. but that doesn't mean those compromises are always hard (and sometimes they are). if/when you meet the right woman, you won't mind compromising on some things, because it will be more important that you're with her if a particular thing really matters to her. and hopefully vice versa. and some things just might be fun to debate but not matter, such as = red or white wine tonight, or shall we have sex in the bedroom or on the kitchen table... etc.

Good tale, and lovely telling, as always.

I liked the indignant responses you got too. Like the posters below, I suspect the crucial issue in determining whether marriage is for you is less a matter of you being able to grant a woman her will, than it is of you being able to work productively with someone as a team on a long term basis, jointly defining the rules that govern that team.

Do women want "their will" more than men? Perhaps a bit. Being traditionally "manly" is not sweating the small stuff, right? So perhaps in most good marriages men do know when to hold back and let women "have their will", you know, the deaf ear thing most guys turn on at some point in the relationship? However, there are corresponding circumstances when women hold back and let the guys do their own thing.

I sort of wished you, heather and I could have had a long talk about such things as your raps one being a 'good man'. She's a pretty insightful broad. It will never cease to amaze me what a complete time suck children are.

they sure are
but I see in your eyes
when you look at him
that there is no place
the time could be better spent

*grin*

and
we had a few short ones which I valued greatly
I do plan to visit you wonderful folks again
somehow I think it will all come in due time

Of course you are welcome as the ~~rains~~ sunny days of May.

Being a cheap bastard, I had the final components for those dual PIIIs sent ground. I had no idea 'ground' meant 10 days. Just as well, I've got oodles to keep me busy trying to figure out how to get the video to work the way I want to.

I still have high hopes I'll be better off in the end than if I'd taken your suggestion and just bought XP and Premier. Of course that will only be true depending on how I define 'better off'.

:)

The allegory of the cave is a powerful idea. Each question I asked others for the meme thing I've answered in the last few days. Many of the answers scare me too.

It is indeed a powerful one

when I first read it
I was fifteen and
I didnt understand it

when I read it a second time
years later
it scared the crap out of me

and now
I think I am somewhere in between
but it makes me think
which is always a good thing

i think you are a boy version of me.