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[plural]

been thinking quite a bit recently
that whole introspection thing

it started with some well placed questions
as part of the shower meme and
my mind has meandered on from there

Yesterdays post was the result
of some realizations I have had
quite frankly things I think I would have preferred not to realize

what you might ask?

I realized I am not a particularly good mate

an excellent lover without question
and
a true friend without hesitation
but
when it comes to relationships
the value of my stock decreases dramatically

there is a old tale
in which king Arthur is asked to bring justice to a wicked knight
he rides out to the knights castle to do battle
but no sooner than he steps on to the grounds
that his strength is sapped and his head grew faint

He is given the choice between surrendering himself and all his lands
or returning in one year with the one true answer to the following question
"What thing is it which women most desire"

King Arthur accepts the terms and gives his oath
the king rode east and the king rode west
and inquired of all what women most desire

some told him riches, some pomp and state;
some mirth and some flattery; and some a gallant knight

with such diversity of answers he could find no sure dependance

As the year grew to a close
Arthur was approached by a woman
of such hideous aspect that he turned away his eyes
and did not answer her when she spoke
She chastised him for his poor behavior
and offered to give him the answer he sought

He replied that if she could, she could name her reward and he would grant it
Arthur gives his oath and the lady told him the secret and demanded for her reward
that the king should find some handsome and courtly knight to be her husband

King Arthur hastened to the grim barons castle
and provided in turn all the answers he had been provided
by his advisors save the last
and to each he was denied as the true answer

The Baron demanded that he yield
and King Arthur requested to speak once more
this time uttering the words granted to him by the hag

"All women would have their will"

and you see
this is the solitary thing
which I am unable to grant my loves

their will

I am a private person
not just in that I am often not willing to share my thoughts
but also in that I require a substantial amount of time
alone with my thoughts

I am also fairly selective about my past
I absolutely do not feel it is in anyway her right to know
my past is mine alone, as is hers to her
what I choose to share and how I choose to share it
is entirely at my discretion

I will never betray someone else's confidence
no matter how much I love a woman
if I am unsure if it would be considered a breech
I always err on the side of caution
this leads to many unanswered questions.

It is not, as often I have been accused of not trusting them
but a matter of not having the right to trust them

I will never ask someone to betray anothers confidence, however small
for what difference is there between my confidence and theirs
if they are willing to betray another, then what trust can exist between us

If I am willing to betray another, what trust can you have that I will not betray you?

I am willing to compromise in my life sure
but I am unable to compromise myself intentionally

or am I?
perhaps I am only unwilling to compromise myself on behalf of another
and maybe that is the problem

clarity of mind and thoughts
is an elusive thing
my hands grasp it for a fleeting moment
only to have it
turn to mist and shadow and flee
leaving me
unsure
with only another piece of the puzzle
to ponder on
late into the night

Comments

[ignote.livejournal.com]

You shouldn't have to explain these things to someone who fits you, and they probalby won't ask if they're you're ideal match. My boyfriend and I have never discussed our pasts, which suits me just fine.