mea culpa

[plural]

I am the man your mother warned you about
and
your father prayed these many years that you
would never meet

my thoughts of late have been consumed
by a woman, a woman thousands of miles away

I am terrified of her as
a man who has been incarcerated twenty years
fears freedom

you see
being immensely intelligent is not a good thing
a curse even
the rest of you can waltz around in ignorant bliss
wondering why things happen

but the side effect of being so damn smart
is that you can always see how things will end

of course my secondary curse
is passion, that which is what forces me to act
even when intellect warns me

I am an arrogant fuck
true
but most people make it so damn easy to be so
it is almost as if I would disappoint them if I wasn't

what others consider gifts I
consider curses

would that I could be stupid and boring
living my life in blissful ignorance

my charm
my wit
my stunning intellect
make life too easy
make love too easy
and I deserve none of it

it is true that I am a drunk
and it is probably my finest quality

I am constantly amazed at my own ability to weave words
and invade other peoples minds and hearts

fuck I am an asshole
you see I have the unerring ability to avoid that which I deserve
and obtain that which I do not

the problem is this
when you obtain that which you do not deserve
you can only hold on to it for so long
before it becomes apparent to all that you are undeserving

that which I need
that which I desire
I am undeserving of

and I am not sure
how to change that

it seems
no matter how i try
i cannot resist appearing
that knight on shining white horse
while i mean
no harm
and wish that
i could be a better man

the end seems always fixed

I am the man
who will break your heart

Comments

[nectarines.livejournal.com]

I've been told by more than one person that your journal is intriguing, fascinating, a downright work of art.

Eh. That's quite excessive.

But it is more decidely more readable and moving than most of the self-indulgent crap that I post, and I respect your style. Not without a little envy. Journals are always self-indulgent, of course, but you indulge with grace.

I digress. To comment on this post.

I am the man your mother warned you about
and
your father prayed these many years that you
would never meet

This makes me angry, livid, as a woman. It makes me want to shout that we don't need mommy's warnings or daddy's prayers. A white knight! Who asks for such a thing! A strong woman can deal with even a poisionous man and not be some huddled, little, heartbroken mass, not be some pawn of his but have an active part in even the hurt and heartbreak.

It seems as though you've implied that the fate of her heart lies entirely in your actions. It makes me wonder if you've underestimated her.

Then again, you base this on experiences of the past, repeated time over.

And still. Your opening paragraph raises the hair on the back of my neck. Well done.

All shining armor must rust eventually

[plural.livejournal.com]

mmm and you flatter me with equal grace

welcome and I always appreciate a voice of dissention

I opened such because it is a fact of life
not because I believe women need
warning, prayers, nor knights in shining armor.

and yes I acknowledge that each party shares responsibility for the hurt and heartbreak

I am just sick of carrying my portion of it

for the most part however my partners have been
far more blameless than I

without malicious intent
I created and sold
a fairy tale, the perfect romance

were I a poisonous man
then my victims would have
far better chances

my curse is that I bear no venom
only love

for the most part most women and indeed most people
I have ever met have been putty in my hands

I have always seen how to move people
and once I released the anger I held in my heart as a child
there became nothing I could not do
no one I could not tame

as for underestimating her
that I do not, if anything I overestimate her
for she terrifies me
in all the best possible ways

the fate of both my heart and hers
does lie (although not entirely)
within my actions

and more than anything
in that I am
undeserving