mea culpa

[plural]

I am the man your mother warned you about
and
your father prayed these many years that you
would never meet

my thoughts of late have been consumed
by a woman, a woman thousands of miles away

I am terrified of her as
a man who has been incarcerated twenty years
fears freedom

you see
being immensely intelligent is not a good thing
a curse even
the rest of you can waltz around in ignorant bliss
wondering why things happen

but the side effect of being so damn smart
is that you can always see how things will end

of course my secondary curse
is passion, that which is what forces me to act
even when intellect warns me

I am an arrogant fuck
true
but most people make it so damn easy to be so
it is almost as if I would disappoint them if I wasn't

what others consider gifts I
consider curses

would that I could be stupid and boring
living my life in blissful ignorance

my charm
my wit
my stunning intellect
make life too easy
make love too easy
and I deserve none of it

it is true that I am a drunk
and it is probably my finest quality

I am constantly amazed at my own ability to weave words
and invade other peoples minds and hearts

fuck I am an asshole
you see I have the unerring ability to avoid that which I deserve
and obtain that which I do not

the problem is this
when you obtain that which you do not deserve
you can only hold on to it for so long
before it becomes apparent to all that you are undeserving

that which I need
that which I desire
I am undeserving of

and I am not sure
how to change that

it seems
no matter how i try
i cannot resist appearing
that knight on shining white horse
while i mean
no harm
and wish that
i could be a better man

the end seems always fixed

I am the man
who will break your heart