...make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven

I stood last night for longer than in advisable
a good bit longer in fact in the pouring rain

it was a tremendous storm
a torrential downpour, in mere seconds my white linen shirt
painted against my chest unable to hold a single drop of water
more

my body and mind revolted, urging me to rush indoors
to seek cover from this onslaught

my mothers voice
an apparition between my ears
chided me
that I would catch my death

my body struggled
seeking that instinctive normality
which I was barely ignoring
that deepest of drives to find shelter

my soul alone did not struggle
instead it was held rapt
as the water poured over me

the mix of sensations
cool rain blinding my open and upturned eyes
the warmth of that hot summer night
just barely keeping off the chill

I stood there drinking it all in

the confusion
the urges
twisting me this way and that
overriding my subconscious with will

to fill an irrational need standing there, soaked through
that perhaps in some small way it would cleanse my soul
this pounding, penetrating rain
like the victim of rape hoping desperately
that maybe just maybe one could feel clean again
if I just stood there long enough

I remember feeling clean
that precious innocence which could hardly wait to be lost

like that first man and first woman
and like thousands others
stretching back through the eons of time
I reached out my hand with eager temptation

lust and desire
flesh and gold
with such things I did wreak the most unspeakable of crimes
willfully and gladly upon my soul

Once many years ago
I recognized the chief failing of youth
was inexperience

so eager are we
to be taken seriously
to be heard and accepted as people
that nothing will we not give
beg
barter
or steal
for that experience

think back to your youth
reading or hearing about all those places you had never been
all those things you had never done
even those which scared you had some allure

for me it was those
those few that terrified me most
which I desired above all else

those dark corners of the human soul
which everyone seemed so set on keeping from me

from all of this
from all these experiences
my life as the son of man

I am left with one thought
the devils bargaining chip
the lament of my soul

be careful what you wish for

On a happier note

skyler just emailed me
while I can not say I know who skyler is
but their offer of

"slap my bitch u35p NOW!"

was quite generous I am sure

but anyway

have I ever mentioned
that I adore spam

it just cracks me up

or perhaps I should say
the subject lines crack me up
as
I never bother to open and read
the actual message

Take this waltz, with it I'll never forget you, you know

Now in Vienna there's ten pretty women
There's a shoulder where death comes to cry
There's a lobby with nine hundred windows
There's a tree where the doves go to die
There's a piece that was torn from the morning
And it hangs in the gallery of frost

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws

Oh I want you, I want you, I want you
On a chair with a dead magazine
In the cave at the tip of the lily
In some hallways where love's never been
On a bed where the moon has been sweating
In a cry filled with footsteps and sand

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take its broken waist in your hand

This waltz, this waltz, this waltz, this waltz
With its very own breath of brandy and death
Dragging its tail in the sea

There's a concert hall in Vienna
Where your mouth had a thousand reviews
There's a bar where the boys have stopped talking
They've been sentenced to death by the blues
Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture
With a garland of freshly cut tears?

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz it's been dying for years

There's an attic where children are playing
Where I've got to lie down with you soon
In a dream of Hungarian lanterns
In the mist of some sweet afternoon
And I'll see what you've chained to your sorrow
All your sheep and your lilies of snow

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
With it I'll never forget you, you know

This waltz, this waltz, this waltz, this waltz

And I'll dance with you in Vienna
I'll be wearing a river's disguise
The hyacinth wild on my shoulder,
My mouth on the dew of your thighs
And I'll bury my soul in a scrapbook,
With the photographs there, and the moss
And I'll yield to the flood of your beauty
My cheap violin and my cross
And you'll carry me down on your dancing
To the pools that you lift on your wrist
Oh my love, Oh my love
Take this waltz, take this waltz
It's yours now. It's all that there is

(no subject)

got the furniture moved into the new house today
felt good

though I broke the glass part
of my favorite lamp

guess I am going to have to get used to living in a place
with ceiling fans

but it was pretty spectacular
glass flew all over the place
took me a little while
to sweep it all up

guess I will have to see about geting a replacement tomorrow

now I have to do the hard part
and move all my crap over
happy happy joy joy

I am camping out in my old place
tonight, figure I will take Carli over tomorrow
and introduce him to his new home

I did however have a most enjoyable conversation
mostly about music and the like
but not without its few peculiar diversions
[which is always a good thing]

and now
even though I do not particular want to
it is rapidly becoming time for sleep
as
I did not last night
and there is much to do tomorrow