Blue Suede Shoes

In the middle of the pouring rain

don't that just suck
*grin*

last night
I slept on the floor
in a big puff off comforters and pillows

it was kinda fun
took me back to the days
soon after I
moved out of my parents house
I didn't have a bed
so I slept on three pillows lined up
on the hardwood floors

I didn't mind then
there was a freedom in it
besides
have you ever attempted to have sex
on
three pillows
without bare skin touching
the freezing hardwood floors

it is some pretty funny shit
not to mention some serious acrobatics
[even without another person involved *wink*]

there is a certain humbleness of sleeping on a floor
and it is not just not having a bed
but more a question of perspective
from down there
the whole world looks bigger

your cats lurking shadow
scares the bejesus out of you
as it stalks forward along the wall

think about it
almost all of our lives
are falsely elevated

we sleep on beds
sit in chairs
in twenty story skyscrapers
but
rare is it that we get truly low to the ground

and usually those moments
are fairly random

laying on the beach
or in some cool grass

watching the waves roll in
or the clouds pass overhead

anyway I digress
so it was fairly refreshing
to sit there and enjoy a new perspective
at least to me

my cat did not share my enthusiasm in the least
he had been pissy all night
as all of his favorite items of furniture
were moved over the the new house
this indignity was the last straw
and he was having none of it

you see
unlike myself
who has experienced a wide range of economic standings
and found some fairly creative ways to deal with varied situations
my poor cat has not

his idea of roughing it is
when I wash the duvet covers
and we sleep with just the down comforter

or god forbid when that foolish drunken father of his
passes out on the couch and we have to sleep there

but this
sleeping on the floor
with just a comforter
this he would not stand

he walked around me
over me
on me
meowing loudly in displeasure
when I just chuckled
he resorted to violence
first attacking my feet
then circling me
meowing and poking at me
his message was clear

"what are you fucking joking"

"It isn't funny any more"

"get your ass up and bring back the big comfy bed"

"I said now mister"

it was fairly humorous to me
for
oh
the
first two hours
but
I was tired
so I told him to bite me
[bad choice of words]
and rolled over to get some sleep

This charming life ... or ... Bond, James Bond

so
among the many things
I have been running around dealing with today
one
was a drive over to winston-salem
[about half an hour away]
to return a printer to costco

I bought it ages ago
never could get it to work
because the manufacturer unexplicably didnt make an XP driver
for this particular model

I was planning on buying another printer anyway
so I went ahead and took the refund as a store credit
[it didnt require the manager to come sign the forms]
[figured to save some time]

Well I started looking at printers
found what I was looking for
and well
it was about seventy bucks cheaper
than what I paid for the last one

so
I got the printer
lunch
a full tank of gas
and the following DVDs

Scent of a Woman (finally replacing my battered VHS copy)
Dr. No.
Goldfinger
The Spy who Loved me
The Man with the Golden Gun
Die Another Day (which I actually havent seen yet)

and none of it cost me a dime

pretty damn spiffy if you ask me

as always

it is good to be the king

Things Mothers Should Teach - A Psa

My mom taught me that striking a woman is something that you just don't do under any circumstances. However, while I was being intimate with a female coworker, I made a joke that she reacted to quite negatively. She is a very loud, chatty person by nature, and while she was performing oral sex on me, I said, "I finally found a way to shut you up!" She proceeded to bite my penis very hard, on the side, corn-cob style. It hurt so much that I reflexively slapped her. I was trying to get my penis out from between her teeth! Needless to say, she left immediately, and things have been icy at work. I feel awful that I hit a woman, Dan, but she drew blood! Do I owe her an apology?
Bleeding And Guilty

"No, you don't owe her an apology. While I generally agree with your mother—men shouldn't strike women—all bets are off when a woman bites down on a man's penis so hard that she draws blood. I imagine your mother didn't anticipate this particular circumstance when she taught you not to strike a woman. It's too bad your mother didn't also teach you not to make jokes at the expense of a person who happens to have your penis between her teeth."

[From Savage Love - a weekly column by Dan Savage]

Ladies, some of you are mothers, others will one day be mothers,
do me this one kind favor

now by some kind gift of the lord,
I was able to determine that jokes as mentioned above would be a bad idea,
without having to resort to the device commonly known as "trial and error"
but I appeal to you, in the infinite mercy which only mothers and deities can observed
please
please
explain this to your sons
I realize it may be uncomfortable
but it is really in your best interest
as
most of you will in fact
desire grandchildren

And Ladies, one other favor
if by some chance you do encounter a man
stupid enough to make jokes at your expense, or insult you
in such a situation

don't chomp down on the prick
it really doesnt do much good
instead
look them in the eye
smile
then castrate them with your teeth

that way you save the rest of us
from the possibility of their passing on
genes with that over concentration of stupidity
to future generations

Thanks