the burden of riches ... or ... for patrick, perhaps i understand now

I am man
[or at least i like]
[to think of myself]
[as a man]

torn between heaven and hell
between the peaceful life
undemanding
i desire
and the destiny
which drags my soul
screaming forward

I long have lived
a life of bacchus

my heart i consoled
when we find her
then shall it be built

but i have acted in error
for in a life of bacchus
only a whore of bacchus
will be found
[or deserved]

yet i am
conflicted
i loathe the burden
of obligation my life
of privilege and station
requires of me

i want only to live in peace
to feel my hear skip as a smooth stone
over calm water
at nothing more
[nor nothing less i suppose]
than the touch and desire
[like a boy of fifteen]
of my love
for the rest of my days

to feel that same lurch
of desire
at sixty as
at twenty six

it is true
that for most of my life
[but decidedly not all]
i have tasted the silver spoon
and
no more will i make
excuses nor apologies

and for the rest of my days
i will be so blessed
fortune smiles upon me
with eyes welled
nestles me in her bosom
and curses me with her heart

i envy those with
simple dreams
simple hopes
and simple lives

my destiny is not my own
but a path inherited
[like my resources]
a yoke thrust upon me
a responsibility handed down
which i am unable to shirk

my life lacks understanding
starting of course with me
until recently i have not understood
the nature of my responsibilities

recently i experienced
and
shared an epiphany
which now seen and fated
is not yet won
[nor deserved]

but for that I will seek
and i will struggle
and there i will find peace
with the crimes i did commit

more thoughts on the matter

I sit within
the cool evening breeze
leaning back on my chair
watching the willow tree
sway from the porch

bourbon flows through me
a hundred dollar cigar
burns slowly
near at hand

on the table lie
olive oil and balsamic vinegar
bread encrusted with provolone
behind me
two cases of wine
[my recent acquisitions]
my hands are occupied with
a most excellent book
and
my thoughts
with a most excellent woman

These small comforts of life
to which I have long been content

but no longer

How easy would it be
to take the wealth offered me
and be content with the warmth
of friendship and family

but these millions
which are destined to me
through my labors and my inheritance
for me carry a higher price
a burden
of responsibility

would that poverty
free me of such responsibilities
for such fortune
wealth and strength
is not a gift
but a burden
to use wisely [hopefully]
for the betterment of the less fortunate

such weight
bends my back
and my will

for i am still to young
to comprehend such wisdom
which wrests my heart
from more peaceful pursuits

I have proven my skill
with useless pursuits
and base safe gratification
but
only out of fear
for to fail in such lowly
pursuits
is inconsequential

but now
faced with finding a path
a future
with meaning and value
to determine that which
my life will stand for
of
that
i am terrified

i have met the woman
i would marry
not in name
nor in face
but in spirit

i seek not an arm piece
but a partner
a woman of strength
of courage
to supplant mine own
when it lags
banish the storms of doubt
remind me of such convictions
which i stand
to be the pillars of my life

long have i lied to myself
attempted to manufacture
worthiness to travel this path

but no longer
for i am comforted now
in my inherent unworthiness
for such things
you must first do
and then be worthy of

(no subject)

Tonight I outdid even myself
cooking has become my salvation
that Zen which allows me
to love myself
and share that love
with others

The Menu
[everything is of course]
[made from the raw ingredients]
[i take no shortcuts in my adoration]

to begin

cream infused and battered eggplant quarters
bathed in a red wine marinara salsa


for the main course

smoked mozzarella
draped over chicken parmesan
served over a bed of
fresh linguine
bearing a cabernet red sauce
and porcini mushrooms

the wine

a 1978 rothchild cabernet
i stumbled across two bottles
in a the most unlikely of stores
down here
and picked them up for a steal
one i used in the sauce
[and of course in my belly]
[while i cooked it]

the other i served and
it was divine

for dessert
well
i am afraid that
no one was left
upon the conscious plane
after dinner

glazed eyes
staring out to sea
in unbroken silence
for
a seeming eternity

peace

and lastly

with the exception
of the last post
the other two were written
earlier in the week and
brought here to be posted

this post
didn't feel appropriate
to burden the previous post with

so
anyway
full of bliss
and feeling much like
a
god

i ventured into town
i
have been desperately needed a
haircut
[yes that one, on the left there]
before my shaved head grows
into a soft ball of fuzz
resembling
a coonskin cap

I found the barber
with my desired instructions
written upon slip of paper
in Portuguese
[and many assurances]
[that no prank was being played]
[in those words]
[though i needed them not]
[for i know where my would be tormentors]
[sleep]

I received a most passable
haircut
considering i still have
very little to work with
but at least my head has
regain some semblance of shape
and
with any luck it will
be back to presentable within the week

a pleasant surprise
one of lifes sweeter
of the little pleasures
was found also at the barber shop

a hot shave with
a straight edge razor

the woman who is capable of
a performing a hot shave
and
whom i trust at my throat
with a straight edge
[ok so i have seen]
[´the color purple too many times]
is
one i should get off my ass
and
marry for nothing else
could
be a legitimate barrier

mmm
smooth faced
and pampered

well my loves
this little establishment is
closing up shop

i have the weekend off
so
i may be back
or
i may not

but regardless be well

and i will regale you
with further tales
of foreign adventure
and culinary delights

upon my return