Suspense, mystery, art and psychics

I was artistically gifted today
well no,
I was gifted with art
mm no
someone gave me art
I haven't seen it yet
but I am most curious

In checking my voicemail

something I am notoriously bad at

My voicemail greeting should go something like this

This is the machine
any messages left here
will most probably languish
until I remember that someone might have called.
if possible
try to call me on another number
or if you actually want to reach me
send me an e-mail

Anyway
I got a call from an Art Gallery today
apparently they have a piece of art
which they were supposed to deliver
to me
today

As I haven't the slightest clue what they are talking about

My first instinct was
surely it is a mistake

but then I recalled
they knew my name
even spookier
they knew how to pronounce my name

you see I have
at least by American standards
an usual name
not that it is common in Israel either
but normal enough not to rouse comment

It is Hebrew, and being that people can almost never pronounce it correctly
at least those who have not heard it pronounced
It is very useful for screening telemarketers and other annoyances
and as a general rule, I throw out all mail which has misspelled my name

People I have found
over the course of my life
refuse to accept
that I know my own name

At first I thought it my own fault
I have abysmal handwriting
why shouldn't I? I never write
I can type over 70 words per minute however

Then I noticed
even when I would submit typed forms
my name would still be changed

I can just see them,
oh no, that cant be right

My name
which means "a light spring rain"
have been altered to words which refer to

a bird
a chasm
a prince

with only very slight alterations

anyway
so I have this conundrum

a gallery
who obviously knew someone I knew
(an assumption from their correct pronunciation of my name)
who had my home address
and my phone number
wanted to deliver
a piece of art
on my birthday
of which I have no knowledge

I investigated
they are in fact a real established gallery
as opposed to someone posing as such for some diabolical purpose

I can only assume it is a birthday present
but from whom?

my ex sent me a card and flowers.
my parents always give me a check
as do my grandparents

My sister has the most exacting timing with her cards
it is uncanny
on the other side of the coast
and for 10 years straight
the card has been in my mailbox
on my birthday
not the day before
or the day after
always on
quite a feat when on considers
they don't deliver the mail on Sunday
therefore
logically
one could only have such a streak for a maximum of six years
but neither rain, nor snow, nor the postman's day off
can stop the delivery of her cards

my brother does nothing at all

of course
normally
I would ponder it only a moment
and move on
but this perhaps may be the start of a trend

let me step back
a month or two
I received
at my office of all places
a box
I opened it
to be greeted by a swarm of bubble wrap
lying neatly folded on top
a small clean piece of paper
neatly folder
with easy writing
in blue ink

it read

"I saw this and thought of you"

no signature

I checked the front of the box
no return address

just my name
printed neatly

I dove into the bubble wrap
pulled out each piece hidden within
unwrapped them
four beautiful pieces of polished wood
smiled up at me
their shape and form were immediately recognizable to me
and at least the fourth and largest piece would be to anyone
It was a wooden boat
with three sails
beautiful craftsmanship
it now sits
as the centerpiece on my mantle

on the bottom was a little card

ah I thought, maybe this will be the answer
to this little riddle
in a way it was
but not the answer I was seeking
the card had three pictures
detailing how to raise the sails.

To this day
I do not know who it was from
I have often raised the mystery
only to receive blank stares

Quite frankly
if this is to become a trend
I rather like it.

My mother
in her recent travels through the countryside of Peru
stopped at home
of a lady
who reads coca leaves

My mother
always up for some smarmy hocus pocus
arranged for a reading

Now there is something you must understand about my mother
before I go further
she doesn't believe
in anyway
of such things
for herself that is
when speaking of her own mind
she has only dismissal
but she has this habit
every few years
of lucking into someone just like this
to read the fortunes of her children

so she sends me this e-mail
as such conversations always go
telling me about all manner of things
as to not draw attention to her desire
which is of course
to communicate what she has learned
in such a reading

I love my mother
and am always willing to entertain her eccentricities
so I always smile and in the same voice say
"How interesting. If you ever do it again, I would be fascinated to hear more."

In most cases
it is the same tripe over and over again
perhaps it is the same this time
and I only seek to give it meaning

Of course I am skeptical
after all if the secrets of the future are contained within coca leaves
then I should be psychic by now with the amount of its extract
I have pushed up my nose

The words of the psychic were thus as related by my mother...

"She first talked about your loss of a very close relationship
and how much it hurt you,
but that it was now almost all behind you.
She said that you were experimenting with some paths
that are not right for you but not to worry that you would figure it out
that this is not where you wanted to go.
She said that you are in the process of getting your life on the right track,
and predicts a very responsible and happy life for you.
She also said that another female has noticed you
and has great plans for you.
So far to her this looks good.
I thought you might like to know. "


I will respond quickly
I have indeed lost a close relationship
and I like to think it is almost behind me.
I am always experimenting with something or someone
rarely is it right for me
of course
I don't always realize this right away
My life is always
"Getting on the right track"
at least in my parent's eyes
the broken doll,
never quite fixed
If there is such a woman
I haven't even the slightest of clues
as to who she may be
and as I decided recently
for that I am glad

Let fate, in al her decadence
have her way with me
I shall enjoy the ride

What does it all mean?

I will let you make of it what you will

and with that
I withdraw
good night my dear friends

Thank you again
for all your well wishes

(no subject)

Quick flings
with meaningless women
have meaningless memories
of meaningless sex

perhaps
I expect too much

do I want more in a woman
than any person can be?

I talk often about
how I am just a man

but will I accept
just a woman?

Things I desire in a woman

intelligence and wit
I need to love her mind
whether we fuck or make love
which ever we choose at the time
there must be that mental connection
and when
from time to time
I need to be adjusted
taken down a peg or two
she does it with humor and kindness

ambition and loyalty
the desire to become
more than we are today
to learn
to experience
to acquire all manner of perceptions
yet remain true to ourselves
devoted to understanding
and exploration

class and style
this is a delicate thing
I want someone
who is as comfortable
bathing naked in the woods
sleeping under nothing but stars
as they are
dressed to the nines
at a symphony or opera

I don't care if she can dance
only that she is willing to...

a woman
who can be my queen
my mistress,
my whore,
my muse,
and expects me to be nothing less to her.

What can I offer
to such a woman?

never will she doubt
my affections

I will lust after her
as a young man lusts
for all of my days

to never feel ashamed
for her faults and foibles
that which give us all our humanity

she will never touch a door
nor light a cigarette
unless it is her wish

of course
then there are perks

I am an excellent and frequent masseur
a delightful cook
a charming conversationalist
a mischievous rogue

I will stop there
as you all know far more
than I wish to repeat
of my various attributes
both good and bad

What I ask you

is this

Do I ask too much?

a sorry state of affairs, or part two of "Do I ask to much"

I see now through the wisdom of others eyes
that what I thought I was saying was not what I was saying

There are certain things I try to hide from myself
not because they are terrible but because I am impatient
and want to be done with them

My last post which I intended to be a diatribe
on my overall disappointment with the vapidness of the women I am sleeping with

I have found them empty

What I thought I was doing
was not what I was doing

when I thought others were empty
it was I who was empty

I spent three years of my life
in a miserable relationship
with someone I loved deeply

It ended and I am not over it

not as much as I would like
I am not sure why

I saw her the other day
we met for coffee
a bad idea on my part

she was a stranger
I didn't recognize her voice or her touch
while I enjoyed the feel of her breast against my chest
when she cried into my shoulder
it was absent the peace I had always felt
when touching her

When I used to hold her in my arms my demons couldn't touch me
the entire world felt far away, I felt at peace

So now I miss that peace
and even she cant give it to me any longer

guess I will have to find it for myself in myself

I know I am not ready for
nor am truly wanting a serious relationship

but fucking
for fucking's sake alone
is not doing anything for me

I don't feel better after sleeping
with someone I care nothing for
I feel worse

(no subject)

i knew a man once
he was a man
i am sure of it
though he wasn't
he was afraid of everything
or so he thought
but i knew better