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This weeks horrorscopes care of "The Onion"
Aries: (March 21--April 19)
When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.
Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.
Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.
Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Money woes will continue to plague you for the foreseeable future. But, gee, you should be used to it by now, right?
When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.
Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.
Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.
Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Money woes will continue to plague you for the foreseeable future. But, gee, you should be used to it by now, right?
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