In her eyes

when he looked into her eyes

he saw himself

not as he is
but as he was

the image was unbearable.

a life he had lived
a lie he had lived

but what now?

a boy grows into a man
seeks to live the righteous life

how does he correct his mistakes

the lies come
the lies go

there is too much there
to ever come clean

call it an awakening
call it a crisis of faith
there is little difference
there is no redemption

so he looks at her
so he looks through her

the truth he cannot tell her
even if he knew what it was
she would not believe him

so he tells her a story

a story about a boy

a young boy
from a rich and powerful kingdom

this young boy
loved his country
loved his king

and one day
he was called
called to serve his king
called to serve his country

and happily he obeyed.

he served and served well
was rewarded
trusted

on blind faith
he acted
faith in god
faith in king
faith in country

years passed
the boy became a man
and his eyes opened

he saw the truth
he saw the lies
he saw his truth
he saw his lies

and his faith

his faith

was obliterated

days
weeks
months
years

for what purpose?

he saw the truth
and it destroyed him

how many acts of evil
can a man commit
in the service of the greater good?

how many acts of evil
no matter the intention
before one becomes evil

and if one halts
if one ceases in that path

how many acts of evil
can one find redemption for?

the boy became a man
the man opened his eyes

saw truth where there were lies
saw lies where there was truth

but what then?

so now you know.
so now you see.
and what can you do about it?

nothing.

absolutely nothing.

the boy who became a man
realized the error of his ways
but it was too late
to find his way home

lol

being drunk is amusing

anyway

it turns out
I have more in one of my US accounts
than I thought
I'd stopped using it for a while
and for some reason
thought I only had about a hundred bucks in it
turns out I've got quite a bit more

it isn't a long term solution
but it'll take care of the immediate
and give me some breathing room

with any luck
a couple of other things I've got in the works
will come up
before those funds run out

might just make it work afterall

then again
I have always done so in the past
so
no surprise there

so while

I can't quite bring myself to my usual

"It is good to be the king"

I can at least say

it isn't as bad as I thought.

and that
however trivial

is definitely something