the dilemma

I spent the evening with friends

or so they
called themselves

the wine was a grand
the steak was over a hundred bucks
the cigars twice that

despite my particular dislike
I drank johnny walker blue
throughout the night

it was afterall
their night
I was merely a guest
merely being wined and dined
what say did I have

my hosts
spent two or three grand
easily
just on me
just on making me feel good

the two women by my side
easily made a grand an hour
whoring themselves out

not that I partook
it is after all
barely 11pm

all of this
is what they call a convincer
but
really it is a reminder

reminding me
what I had
what I could have again

if only
if only
I return to my previous life

at this point
I don't know why I abstain

it isn't like I have a moral objection
it isn't like I have something better

perhaps
against all odds
I still have hope
hope for something else
something that isn't fake

they say money can't buy love
but you'd be surprised

gold is what the makes the world go round
some people would say love
and they wouldn't be wrong
it is love
love of gold.

but anyway I digress

I am not sure
what fuels
my current bout of self destruction
which it what it is
lets have no delusions

honesty is a vice
one which is currently
costing me a lot of money

and
why
I'm not sure

I suppose somewhere
deep inside
I recognize the basic incompatibility
between my lifestyle
and those things I really want

and
that I suppose
is the rub

if there wasn't a woman in the picture
however slightly she is in the picture
considering we have our "first" date tomorrow
I'd have a serious dilemma

but I've always been a fool
where women are concerned
and
well
who knows
she may just be something

something else
something special

and

what price does one put on that?

for me it is easy
I walked away from a deal tonight
that would have made me near six figures

why?

fuck I don't know
I suppose
I want to be able to look in the mirror

as vices go
I'm not sure that is one I can afford.