(no subject)

[plural]

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.

Comments

[shera619.livejournal.com]

Haha! That reminds me of when I was in high school and editor of the school newspaper. We had a section for horoscopes, and in one issue, for every sign, the prediction was: You're going to die.

Aries: You're going to die.
Taurus: You're going to die.
Gemini: You're going to die.
Cancer: You're going to recieve money and ... oh no, wait. Yep, you're going to die too.
Leo: You're going to die.

Hahahahaha! Memories . . . .

[princessashi.livejournal.com]

god damn it plural!! i was planning on getting a haircut this weekend and thanks to you now im scared. damn virgo-scopes.

The Onion

[millionz.livejournal.com]

were you going to republish this weeks entire edition of the onion or what?