(no subject)
Feb. 22nd, 2001 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pluralAries: (March 21--April 19)
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.
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no subject
Date: 2001-02-22 01:48 pm (UTC)Aries: You're going to die.
Taurus: You're going to die.
Gemini: You're going to die.
Cancer: You're going to recieve money and ... oh no, wait. Yep, you're going to die too.
Leo: You're going to die.
Hahahahaha! Memories . . . .
no subject
Date: 2001-02-22 06:56 pm (UTC)The Onion
Date: 2001-02-23 08:23 am (UTC)Re: The Onion
Date: 2001-02-23 12:55 pm (UTC)the horrorscope
was from last weeks
edition
and
I hardly
think it qualifies as
republishing
the
entire thing
Re: The Onion
Date: 2001-02-23 01:00 pm (UTC)wait one second here...
Date: 2001-03-09 11:16 am (UTC)to tell
me he (http://plural.livejournal.com) didnt
write this?!
sure
had
me
fooled.
*smirk*