So this is Christmas ... or what Christmas means to me ...

[plural]

1999 -
Did the usual Jewish thing
went out for Chinese food
and saw a movie with Jewish friends

1998 -
a small celebration at
my home for the woman I was dating

1997 -
I bought a seven and half foot
noble fir Christmas tree for my girlfriend
who wanted to have a tree,
and seeing as I lacked
a proper Christian upbringing,
I had no idea how to dispose of it,
so, finally in a night of desperation,
in may I believe (at least I hope it wasn't June yet)
we snuck it out of the apartment
and down to the dumpster
cleverly sweeping up
the masses of pine needles
from our hallway,
and spreading them incriminatingly
in the hallway of the floor above us.

1996 -
let me say this was definitely a Christmas
I shall not easily forget.
I was living in Jackson Mississippi,
and I went to the house of the family of the girl
I was dating for dinner.
they were kind and made sure there was food I could eat,
and for a while I was awkwardly comfortable.
after we eat,
they bring out a cake with candles,
and I think,
"oh that's nice, someone in the family
has a birthday on Christmas and
they are making sure that person
doesn't feel it is ignored."

I was very wrong.

They proceeded to sing happy birthday to Jesus.

Now I have to pause and explain something here,
this was a small house,
there was a rack of guns
15 feet long at one end of the
dining room.
every wall in the house
had at least one dead animal
affixed to it.

after dinner
we proceed to
the living room
to open presents
where I am assaulted
by a seven year old
boy who decides I make
an excellent punching bag
his parents don't even notice
glasses of eggnog are passed
around
with what must have surely
been
either engine grease
or moonshine
in them

now
you know how
every family has
that weird uncle
the creepy one
well
I couldn't tell
which of the
ten or so men there
was him
and to be frank
was rather scared to
find out

Uncle roger
decided to bring out
his rifle and start cleaning it
apparently they normally
have Christmas out
at deer camp
and hunt but
not this year
and they are going
hunting in the morning

scenes from deliverance
flash through my mind
and to my horror
they invited me to join them

"no thanks, I don't enjoy squealing like a pig"

almost escaped my lips
by god apparently saw
fit to spare my life that day

so the children
are playing with toys
the women are chatting
and the men
are cleaning
their rifles
murmuring something
between them
which sounded
awfully like

"them Jews killed Jesus ya know"

and I

I am sitting
on the couch
sort of between
both groups
being abused
by a seven year old boy

I excused myself for
a moment
and went outside
for a smoke
discreetly turned
my motorcycle
around to face the road
in case
I needed
flee rapidly

leaning
against the seat
of my motorcycle
finishing my cigarette
and thinking
that maybe
I should

1995 -
A white Christmas
I was living in
Kansas city
about 15 minutes from
Garden Gnome
actually

Christmas eve
It was beautiful
there was snow on the ground

I walked through Westport
in the dark
it was very cold
my breathe nearly
freezings and falling
to the ground

looking in the windows
of the houses
at all the people
celebrating with their families

the entire world
was closed
and doing something
that I
was not
apart of

I don't think
I have ever felt so
acutely alone

Christmas day
I went to the home
of a good friend of mine
and celebrated with this family
The men watched the Chiefs
on television and drank beer
while the women cooked
and talked in the kitchen
not being much of a football fan,
(and finding his sister to my liking)
I joined the women
and helped out in the kitchen

they were incredibly welcoming

I was touched

1994 -
Christmas in Bethlehem
if you haven't been
go before you
get old
or when you are old
but go
it is sort of like
a religious
Mardi Gras

They have fireworks
and drinking
lots of drinking
and people
dance through the
streets

I was goosed
by a priest
which amused me

and it was amazing

the normal tensions
of relations
the breath of violence
which hangs over the
west bank
was gone

and peace ruled the
night with a gentle hand
and light spirit

1993 -
I was
living in my
first apartment
and with a few dear friends
opened a few bottles
of wine
and a few bottles
of vodka
and
got completely
trashed

and
since it is
unlikely
you got even
this far
I will stop here
for the rest
of my Christmas's
were mostly
uneventful

Comments

[kansaschica.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing that!

I laughed out loud several times. I heard Connor stirring, luckily he's not up yet (I don't want to have to answer to why I didn't notice Santa coming in).

That was one of the most humorous and touching montage of Christmas pasts I've read in a long time.