The suffering of hope

[plural]

Why can't god / life / everything

just leave me in peace
pass me by
forget about me

life is so much easier when you don't have to hope

every time I reach acceptance

in comes the wrench

just when I've finally come to terms with my lot
with my life

accepted what I have
recognized what I'll never have
and been grateful for it

in comes the wrench

It isn't lacking which hurts me
the absence of people
the absence of things
the absence of love

but rather
the hope for more
the idea that maybe I can have
those things which to most seem so normal

I just want to be normal
to have a normal life
to have a wife and family

so badly
so terribly
but
I'm not normal
and a normal life
isn't mine to claim

and those things which raise that want
that hope
from its shallow grave
hurt me so tremendously

I'm a man not only capable of evil
but experienced at it
with much blood and suffering on my hands
I'm damaged goods
corrupt and dishonest
I sold my soul
for duty, honor, country
only to find that they are hollow constructs
without value

so what
I made my choice
I chose my path
I decided my actions
I can accept the consequences
just leave me be

stop persecuting me with hope
with redemption
with happiness

leave me alone
with my idleness and riches
my shallow vapid existence

stop infecting my heart
with dreams that are beyond me

just leave me be*










*unless of course you know someone who delivers bourbon in Portland cause that bottle I just bought is getting pretty empty pretty quickly

Comments

[radiantsun.livejournal.com]

If you aren't going to do again what you've done in the past and are not proud of, then I think it is reasonable to say that you are not the person you were then. You are someone else now iwth memories of something horrible that you will not repeat.