Tonight

[plural]

was a boys night out
and
grand old fun

although
I must confess

I came dangerously close
to something I would regret
deeply

It was a boys night out
and
the night was progressing
as such
but then
one of the boys
invitied a girl
a friend of his
and
well
there was flirting involved
a fair amount of it

at first
I was whatever
but
of course
she was hot

and
she started touching me
my arm
my side

and

I was tempted

I kept telling myself
it was just social
but
at the end of the night
something
was there

a trivial thing to be sure
but something nonetheless

so
as we walked out of the bar
I made myself tell her
that I found her attractive
and
that were I not madly in love with
my girlfriend

...

and
I left it at that

two ships passing in the night
an attraction to be sure

but at the end of the day
the juice was not worth the squeeze
and
whatever physical attraction
I may have felt
whatever physical attention
I may have desired

I am madly in love with Samantha
and
with her
the juice is worth the squeeze

and

I was not willing
to go beyond
casual flirting

and that was that

so I went home
on the way
I called Samantha
to tell her I was going home alone
she was already asleep
and
I knew that before I called
but I called anyway
because
well
I don't know why
I suppose
being tempted
I needed to hear her voice

it is
as if somehow
I felt the need for validation
praise for doing
what I had already agreed to do

it is ridiculous
I know

after all
that level of commitment
of agreement
deserves no congratulations

perhaps I just wanted to hear her voice

I don't know

not cheating on the woman you love
is pretty fucking basic

one shouldn't expect kudos for that
nor should one receive kudos for that

anyway
I'm not sure what I am trying to say
perhaps
it is just an acknowlegement of my own humanity
[or my inebriated state]

anyway

however hot the girl might have been
and however tempted
I might have been to take her home

I did not
because
that is not the kind of man I am
and
that is not the kind of relationship
I am willing to be a part of

lies exist
that is reality

I know that

I know that truth is an elusive thing
but
at the end of the day
I only have to live with my own actions

and

however stupid or whatever I may have been
I broke none of my commitments

and

If anything
the experience only reinforced
that
I am where I want to be
with the person I want to be with

and

that can only be a good thing

Comments

[annihsia.livejournal.com]

Thanks. For posting. As always.