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[plural]

I am the rock

that is my job

my place in things

weakness, fragility have no place here



this is what I've told myself for years

it is my mantra
my justification

a friend just surprised the hell out of me
by calling me on it

being a particularly perceptive fuck
I generally know what people are going to say
before they say it

but she floored me
and as I said to her

it hit a little too close to home

you see
I was raised old school
raised with duty and obligation coming before happiness

and you know

I am ok with that

really, truly

to me

at the most very basic

taking care of those I love
is what is important

if there is anything I have learned
it is that happiness is fleeting
but being there for someone
lasts forever

of course

I am selfish

I refuse to allow people to be there for me

and even when I do
it is ungraceful
begrudging

for all I talk about the value of family
I havent let my own family be there for me in years

my own pride necessitates remaining the rock
even with them

those two posts tonight
were probably the hardest thing I've done in a long time
not in the act of putting it to words
but rather sharing it

letting myself be exposed to that degree

because after all I am the king

and a king has little time for weakness and emotion

people often ask, sometimes in a round about way
what it is like to be the king
how one becomes the king
excetera excetera

being the king is not a privilege

it is an obligation
a duty and a choice

I look at those I love
and am proud to have to opportunity
to be there for them

truly, deeply

honored

in this world of materialism and self absorbtion
it is an act of sedition

treason


I stand for those I love
because
without them what am I?

what is a king without his subjects?
but a man with a silly hat

Comments

[plural.livejournal.com]

that's always been the hard part for me

and even then
it takes a particular type of insistence
on their part

there are those
which have the clout that I cannot refuse them
even if I may wish otherwise
they simply are too deep within my walls

quite frankly

I am afraid

but they give me little choice regardless