My next thirty years

[plural]

been in something of a funk lately maybe its my upcoming birthday as it usually makes me more reflective

I think I've come down with a nasty case of mostly disease

I've mostly done all those things I want
I've mostly travelled all those places I want to travel
I've mostly bought all those toys I lust after
I've mostly slept with all those women I desire

mostly mostly mostly

makes the next big adventure not seem worth the trouble

what value does anything have when you can just have it

poof

its there, its yours

why bother actually having it

I remember years ago being nervous or less assured feeling a bit of a thrill a bit of a risk when I approached a woman

now days it seems like I just look at her and think
yeah I could fuck her but whats the point

some might say it is egotism, narcissism, arrogance and cockiness

but really I think it is depression

not perhaps your garden variety
"woe is me, the world sucks and I'm a victim" depression

because my life by anyone else standards is great
most people would happily toss jabba the huts salad to have a life half as good as mine
hell even by my own standards, I have it pretty good and most of the time I am quite grateful for that

no

I'm depressed for altogether another reason

I miss the struggle, the challenge, the risk, fear and reward

to stand up and do battle with the world, clawing your way to the top, by force of will alone

perhaps it is the greatest testament to the excesses of my ego
that I am not satisfied simply with luxury and contentment

please excuse my bastardization here as it is late
but someone far wiser and far deader than I once said

"The unexamined life is not worth living"

for me, examination is easy, I have a gift for introspection but it alone is not enough

perhaps I would rephrase it

"The unchallenged life is not worth living"

and I fear there are no meaningful challenges left

sure I could climb mount Everest but what is that really

the old "because it is there" justification
middle age men seeking to stroke their egos
importing false importance to an artificial challenge

to me
it seems a lot like sucking your own dick
sure it may get you off and it may be neat because not everyone can do it
but it is no substitute for the real thing and in the end

its pretty fucking pathetic

but what choice do we have
when those challenges which consume the masses
lie conquered at our feet, whimpering in submission

we can either invent empty challenges or waste away in front the TV like the rest of you mindless zombies

run a marathon
climb a mountain
sail around the world
hike the pacific crest trail

blah blah blah

now do not mistake me many of these sounds fun
many of these I might be interested in doing

but what really is the challenge
what really is the risk?

there is a risk sure
and indeed it is a real risk

people die on Everest every year

but it is manufactured

and to me no more than a game
no more exciting than a toss of the dice in a craps game

what I want is real risk
real challenge

to have a purpose and strive towards a result

for real effect

maybe I should just stop slacking and take over the world already
*sigh*

Comments

[cynica.livejournal.com]

hmmm -- this fits nicely into my funk lately. Raising the bar sounds refreshing.
hmmm

[girl-on-a-stick.livejournal.com]

I think you answered your own question.
The next big challenge is to allow yourself to be happy.

[cynica.livejournal.com]

I know this is a comment to plural, but I have an extremely hard time with this sentiment from people for myself. What does it mean? It's so abstract to me. What about what he's said looks like he's resisting happiness? Why is it that any more than maybe it's just that he hasn't yet found the very thing that will make him happy?

Sorry to talk about you like you're not "here", plural, but this can be applied to anyone who's struggling with a lack of contentment or who's feeling an overall restlessness, I believe.

I struggle with the idea of putting the onus on the person who's restless in their lives as if they're not doing something right within themselves or with their outlook. There's an internal happiness a person can have with themselves and then a depression or disappointment with the external that can be mutually exclusive, and, really, should be.

I'm not saying any of this with a confrontational spirit, by the way. I hope my more-than-superficial questioning didn't offend.

[girl-on-a-stick.livejournal.com]

It means that people who don't know crap about mine and plural's friendship, should fuck off before they jump down my throat about something that plural will know damn well is right. Not saying that with a confrontational spirit.
Oh sorry, was that too superficial for you?

[cynica.livejournal.com]

Huh.

I removed this from plural and applied it to anyone feeling restlessness early on in my comment. I really didn't mean any offense. Sorry.

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

heh.

I posted nearly the same comment.

[tydestra.livejournal.com]

You're turning 30, aren't you?

Life is what you make of it. The world is nothing but one big sand-box, take a pale and shovel to it.

[plural.livejournal.com]

nope not yet

366 days till that one

[tydestra.livejournal.com]

Ah okay.

I wouldn't trade lives with you, cause good or ill, my life is the canvas that I've been working on for the last 22 years :) I'm gonna need a bigger canvas too.

You're quoting Socrates, who was quoted in Plato's Apology.

Socrates said that in court, while on trial on charges of impiety and corruption. Socrates was explaining why it would be impossible for him to go into exile and keep his opinions to himself.

Sorry, I was doing Greek History homework tonight -_- so I'm still on full greek-geekdom mode.

[cynica.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to you for causing any problem within these comments. I really respect your willingness for reflection, and I didn't intend for any strife to occur.

[thoughtgolem.livejournal.com]

What do you think about getting involved in government? That may give you meaningful challenges and a stronger sense of purpose.

[darwinpolice.livejournal.com]

His hopes of winning any conceivable election would be swiftly dashed by even the most casual perusal of the archives of debate.

[plural.livejournal.com]

I am sure I havent a clue what you mean sir
*grin*

[darwinpolice.livejournal.com]

If one could search the archives, I wonder how many results "cockslap" would return.

And what percentage of them would be your comments. :)

[plural.livejournal.com]

not many

I only use cockslap occasionally

for special occasions

most people arent worthy enough to be slapped with my glorius cock

[darwinpolice.livejournal.com]

There are entire orphanages that would disagree, I'm sure.

funny you should say that considering I am majoring in Political Science

[plural.livejournal.com]

Strom Thurmond, Bill Clinton, Kerry & both Bush's added up would have less skeletons in their communal closet than I

besides I really do not like people enough to ever hold elected office

I'd do much better as a dictator, maybe I should find me a nice banana republic to retire too

[girl-bot.livejournal.com]

you're a very lucky man.

we have many things in common. restlessness. wanting more than what we have. and i wonder when it would stop, this discontentment. and i think of what i have and have achieved and think, gosh, i'm better off than most. and then the cycle continues and i'm in a funk again.

like you, i just wonder sometimes on what to do.

[nandan.livejournal.com]

So it's not that you think you can't achieve your goals...it's that you think the goals you haven't yet achieved don't have inherent value?

That's a good mix of Type A and Slacker mentalities. I like it! ; )

[random-llama.livejournal.com]

Well I can't say that I have your particular problem, however, as long as we are all inventing challenges for plural I thought I'd contribute.
I recently saw a documentary on polish jews. Many sad and uplifting stories of people who found out later in life that their parents were jewish and had to go about discovering what the hell it meant to be a jew in a still hostile environment with no background to help you (one was a middle aged catholic priest when he finally prised the information out of his dying mother).
Anyway, one story was about an american rabbi who moved to poland after almost all of their rabbis where killed to educate a generation of jews with no roots. Now that would be a challenge.

simple... or is it?

[oshnnsun.livejournal.com]

re: "now days it seems like I just look at her and think
yeah I could fuck her but whats the point"

why don't you try to not fuck her - just to pick on one of your mentions

Re: simple... or is it?

[plural.livejournal.com]

come now darling

shouldn't we try to keep some realism here

*wicked grin*

Re: simple... or is it?

[oshnnsun.livejournal.com]

Too much, love? Hmmmm, I do believe you are right, though. I suppose it would be unrealistic to think you could not deny the wanton desires of a woman, of course. No?

How long could you put her under such strain? To deny her would be cruel. You are most right, the merciful thing to do would be to give in....

[*wicked grin* back at ya]

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

I hate to state the obvious, but if it is a challenge you desire, perhaps you should shoot for that which is most elusive for you?

Peace.

The trick of course is how to define it, and it is there the introspection comes in...