Hanging up the Spurs

[plural]

yep you read that right

for most of my life my sexual interactions have been secondary to my emotional interactions

by that I mean I was not having sex with someone simply because I found them to be physically attractive

instead their being physically attractive was secondary
[although still very important]
I was primarily turned on by their mind and heart

its a tricky thing to explain for me but in someways I think it doesn't require any explanation

physical attraction is one of the first steps in any interaction leading to romance
in a way it gives us enough curiosity and interest to discover if there is more there that we like

but it what we discover after that initial attraction which should be the motivator to further intimacies

and it is in this area that I have lost my way

even though I had similar feelings and thoughts about casual sexual interactions years ago

prior to my trip in 2002 such interactions were the exception not the rule they currently are

generally there was a period of less fulfilling interactions between relationships
where now, it seems there is just those interactions

although even still the majority of my extra-relationship sex has been with women;
close friends and many of them ex-girlfriends, who despite not having a committed romantic relationship
I respected greatly and had strong feelings for

I haven't had anything resembling a real relationship since I left Seattle

a number of circumstances helped me to avoid facing this reality
or made it seem more comfortable to me

when I was travelling it was easy because I was meeting women
whom I was greatly attracted to on the full spectrum of attributes
so even though I knew there was no possibility of a future with them it didn't feel,
and indeed wasn't, a purely sexual thing

on my return, living in north carolina it seemed like I could find women
who were almost what I was looking for
[especially if I didn't look to closely]
and so I let laziness and my own physical needs distract my mind from my discomfort with the situation

but up here even my most egregious sins of denial cannot hide the fact that these women
are nothing to me but a form of masturbation and a way to ease the discomfort of loneliness

I have taken the path of the least resistance telling myself that by being open with these women
being clear what I had and was willing to offer that it was ok and acceptable as such

just two people coming together to meet each others and their own needs if only for one night
and I suppose in the general sense there isn't anything wrong with this
but what I have denied to myself is not whether it is fair or ok
to interact with these women on this level
but instead whether it is fair or ok to interact with myself on that level

what I have thought about recently and despite not really wanting this conclusion
determined that it is not good for me to have these sorts of relationships and interactions
especially when they are the rule, instead of the exception

I want, no, need a stable emotional and intellectual connection with a woman
to be my primary form of intimate interaction and while playful dalliances were less harmful to me
when they were the odd exception as the rule I fear it has been to my detriment

in the past four weeks or so. I haven't had a woman, in my bed or otherwise
in fact, I pretty much haven't gone out to a club at all and contrary to my expectations
it hasn't bothered me at all

with the exception of a bet a year or so ago which seemed like two months of hell without sex
I am currently in my longest period without intercourse since I became sexually active

while I will admit, it feels somewhat odd to not be interested in sex,
[at least sex which is without a emotional and intellectual connection]
in fact, not to feel even much of a drive for it
[not that I don't get horny, just that I don't feel the need to seek out
any attractive chick for such purposes]

in fact, even my porn seems less interesting to me because
my fantasies are now more emotional and intimate in nature
as casual sex has become unattractive, if not unpleasant an idea to me

so while I've been beating around the bush for some time
my self-discipline avoiding the issue, trying to ignore what I feel
I have decided to hang up my spurs for a while
at least wait until I can be with someone I care about

I suppose in a way
it is time for me to grow the fuck up