I am a selfish bastard...

[plural]

but more importantly

I believe I am a better man for it.

This post of weetanya got me thinking, and as is my custom when a response rambles beyond the scope of decency with regard to another's journal, I move it here.

In her post, she asks what is the "coolest thing you have ever done for another person"

I thought about it
I left the post open in another window so I could come back to it
and finally gave up

unable to recall a single act of kindness, friendship or compassion.

Does this mean I am a heartless bastard?

Well, I have been saying it for years but no one ever seems to believe me.

In my experience, those of you who know me fairly well in particular, will most likely object, perhaps even mention a circumstance where I displayed kindness, friendship or compassion.

Now what is particularly odd to me, is that I can remember people thanking me for being there for them, praising me to others for my kindness and compassion, but I can not for the life of me remember the acts which I was praised for.

I think the discrepancy in my memory comes entirely from an entirely different perspective on life.

I have never in my life done something "for" someone else, everything I ever do, ever will do, I do for myself and my beliefs.

I am there for my family and my friends, not out of some sense of debt, obligation, kindness or compassion. I invest the time, and energy because I benefit greatly from the connection and relationship that is formed and sustained by such acts.

I place great value on truly connected relationships, so for me, dropping everything to console a friend, or making a personal sacrifice to help resolve a crisis, is not a selfless act, but a selfish one. In my perspective, I reap great dividends in the form of closer and richer relationships in exchange for my investments of kindness and compassion, of time and energy.

That said, I do not view each individual situation with a particularly mercenary lense, but rather the overall relationship. If I find that a friendship is continually requiring investment on my part, without returning dividends, then I sever it. Relationships must be two-way, give and take, I would not consider that a mercenary perspective, but rather a realistic one.

What this comes down to I think, is that where another person may perceive two categories of their actions, being selfish and selfless acts, I perceive only one. Where someone else may view something as a great inconvenience or sacrifice, I view it simply as the business of my relationships, something that I must do to maintain my quality of life.

I suppose in a way, I could liken it to having two jobs, one which provides for my financial needs, and another which provides for my emotional needs. So to my mind, I was just doing my job, a job that I enjoy, and earning that emotional and social paycheck which greatly enriches my life.

To me, simply doing my job, taking care of the business of my life, is entirely unremarkable.

Comments

[plural.livejournal.com]

hmm thats about a close as a gotcha, anyone is going to find on this question.

While I could make a decent argument that he was a friend and therefore helping him deal with his crisis was simply the business of creating and maintaining strong connections, and therefore in my own self interest, the relationship with the individual in question was unlikely to reach the level justifying the risk of getting involved.

Honestly, the strongest argument for self interest I could make is one of emotional benefit. Helping that poor bastard, made me feel better about having been that poor bastard myself so many years ago. It also gave me a sense of repaying the undeserved saving that my ass recevied when it was me in those shoes.

At the time, I justified it to myself as repaying a debt, not doing someone else a favor.

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

While I could make a decent argument that he was a friend and therefore helping him deal with his crisis was simply the business of creating and maintaining strong connections, and therefore in my own self interest,

Yeah, but that would be silly.

the relationship with the individual in question was unlikely to reach the level justifying the risk of getting involved.

hence, you did a good work.

Helping that poor bastard, made me feel better about having been that poor bastard myself so many years ago.

But in the end, you still felt compelled to repay the debt. A true asshole would have never even thought of it that way, as he would have been compelled to feel as though he was owed what ever good fortune got him out of his problems.

At the time, I justified it to myself as repaying a debt, not doing someone else a favor.

I think the more important question is why you feel compelled to not take the credit when it is due, and realize that in reality, you are a good man?

On a far smaller level, you may remeber coming out here to help me build a few machines...

[plural.livejournal.com]

yes it would be silly

sure with cokeboy, I can agree that I done good there, that wasnt really the question to my mind, it was more that to me it seems what I owe the world rather than my being gracious or generous.

Quite an excellent point with regard to a true asshole, I suppose when it comes down to it, I simply appreciate life too much to be a proper asshole, guess I will have to work on that *grin*

I am entirely uncomfortable taking credit for most things, in fact, it is really only in the area of financial/career things where I feel comfortable doing so.

I honestly do not struggle nearly as much with the concept of my existing as a good man, as I have in the past few years. I am not nearly as convinced of my own utter failing in this regard as I once was.
[so maybe something can get through my thick skull after all]

Usually for me, the problem with taking credit, whether for coke boy or helping you out with your machines, is that I honestly do not feel like I did anything unusual, so it makes me feel awkward to have it pointed out.

As I said Coke boy was in my mind repaying a debt, to me, highlighting that I repaid the debt only serves to remind everyone what a dumbass I once was (and probably still am).

With you it was entirely simple, I enjoy your company, and the company of your wife and son, tremendously. Any excuse to visit with yall was far too appealling to turn down.

Not to mention you have on several occasions been a most accomodating and gracious host, a pleasure which I have not yet had the opportunity to repay, so there was a debt to be serviced as well.

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

I am entirely uncomfortable taking credit for most things

Humility.

I honestly do not feel like I did anything unusual

Humanity.

The alpha and omega, indeed.