looking at life through many colored glasses

[plural]

[started last night & finished this morning]

my shabbos ritual mostly complete and halfway through a comforting bottle of rapel valley merlot
my thoughts turn away from the physical and the immediate

wait

perhaps I should back up here a bit

as a jew, my shabbos [sabbath for you gentiles] starts at sunset on friday and continues until an hour after sunset on saturday. Those of you who have been along for much of this lj journey will recall that with regards to god and religion I have not always had exactly the easiest time. But I have noticed over the past few years I have slowly been gravitating back to my roots. I was raised as an orthodox jew and while I do not in all honesty see myself returning to that life. I envision something fairly close, what we yids now refer to as conservadox perhaps, it seems to be working well for my sister anyway.

So since I have been here I have been attending synagogue for prayer services. Not regularly perhaps but far more than I ever have since I left home so many years ago.

more out of understanding of necessity than any real drive of my own

in judaism, ten men are required [a minyan] for certain parts of the prayer service to be conducted
I have put myself on a list for last minute call ups when they need a minyan in a way it is more community service than religious observance on my part
but as life happens something of a pattern has occurred so that my friday seems fairly regular

I meet a few friends in the afternoon for a couple [five, six] drinks come home give my cats their weekly treat [tuna fish] and head to synagogue
[or on nights I do not go, take a long bath]

you see while shabbos is a religious holiday it isnt really about god
it is designed and practiced for you, not for god

it is a day of rest, a day for taking care of yourself
your wife if you have one and your family

something that has always amused me is that among the orthodox friday night is called "mitzvah night"
a mitzvah, is a kindness, a good deed, something along those lines
so why would friday night be called mitzvah night?
because you should perform kindnesses?
surely
but in this case it is a tongue and cheek remark
as there is a specific kindness to which it refers

you see according to tradition
friday night is when married couples are supposed to have sex
[assuming the worst case scenario that they havent had sex all week]
friday night is set aside as a specific time not only for sex and physical affection
but for the husband to ensure his wife has an orgasm

hence the mitzvah

you see shabbos is all about harmony and in my granted fairly limited experience
when it comes to serious relationships there is little that brings more harmony to a relationship
than making sure she gets her cookies

well other than washing the dishes for once

*wicked grin*

actually that is my entire strategy with long term relationships
keep her having orgasms to distract her from the whatever she is mad at me for
and considering I have never been dumped
[which is a miracle in itself all things considered]
I would say it is a resounding success.

anyway shabbos is a time for relaxing taking care of yourself and your family
so for my part my shabbos ritual has been fairly simple

a nice dinner
candles
maybe a bottle of wine or a cocktail

I generally play a CD by a jewish group called "beat a'chon"
they do a capella versions of many of the songs I grew up singing with my family as a child
so it reminds me of purer times and I relax with my kitties

tonight I took it easy reheated some leftover veggie stirfry
whipped up a black bean sauce
[see previous post for a photo]

added a bottle of red wine and a salad
illuminated by two candles

it was quite peaceful and exactly what I needed



specifically about more than immediate thoughts

I started thinking about the dichotomy which like everyone else exists within me

I am without any doubt in my mind the most amazing man any woman could hope for
I am singularly intelligent, charming, witty and humorous. Kind, gentle, and loyal to a fault.
Strong and secure but without needing to be macho and deeply spiritual person with strong family values.
I am an excellent lover who takes pride in sating his partners every sexual whim and desire.
Not to mention ambitious, financially stable and successful, although mostly lacking in modesty.

*grin*

the redhead often said that I spoiled her
she would tell me that
I didnt have to open the door for her every time
[for the record I didnt do it every time she was sneaky enough to open the door for me once or twice]
and of course she was right

I did not have to

I wanted to

if I am the king
[which I am]
then my woman would most assuredly
be the queen

and

I rather think they should be treated like it

[at least outside the bedroom anyway as there in my opinion we should all be a rampant whore for the person we adore]

so where is this going I bet you are thinking

wasnt he talking about a dichotomy

yep

see

I live in a different world that is not the world you live in
especially to the folks here

hell most of you live in a different world than these folks
but just as they can only imagine our lives with ideas of glamor

so the lense fails with regard to mine

it is difficult for me to put into specifics the differences not only between my world and yours
there is no question I live a life of the privileged few there is perhaps some question whether I deserve it or not

I must admit I often have some difficulty interacting with your world
it isnt exactly a pretty place
I can see how easy it would be to retreat among my pretty things and pretty people

now granted it isnt the sort of difficulty an observer would notice
more the sort that leaves you scratching your head
the next day wondering what the deal was

there are somethings I just do not get
I mean I understand the concept and whats behind it
but it is so foreign to me that I am still left baffled

take failure for example

I live in a world where you have to try to fail
fucking yourself permanently requires a lot of work

in your world
people view failure as an expected outcome
and every failure is a permanent setback

I was talking with a dear friend of mine the other day
among other things he called to let me know
he finally got around to buying that ring and bending that knee
it has been in the works for some time but now it is official

he is a mortgage broker in the process of building his business and getting ready to leave his firm to start his own brokerage
so he tells me he had his fiancee to quit her job and come work for him
now dont get me wrong this isnt one of those male patriarchal type things it was her choice, he just encouraged it

for the most part he is a fellow like myself he was tired of having to work around her work schedule
or more accurately he didnt like having her accountable to some boss who she had to ask permission for time off

he lives, like myself, a highly mobile life and swinging down to the family for jewish holidays
or flying off somewhere for fun is a fairly common occurrence and her needing to get time off
or being limited to two weeks a year wasnt working for him

for her it was hard to give up the job though not so much the "her money" part but the "guaranteed income" part
you see that is a sticking point for many people in your world
you may only have a small pot of clams but you do not want to risk them on the chance that you might get a much bigger pot

why?

because you view failure as an expected outcome and for some reason permanent
this baffles me to no end

as if you start a business and if it fails
you are screwed for life

sure maybe you have to adjust your lifestyle some
find a job for a while but to me it is just temporary
you do what you need to do to feed your family and get back on track when you can

growing up and even when I was working at microsoft
I remember my mother while pleased that I was doing well was never quite satisfied

she was always bugging me to start a business and to work for myself
in her mind and she is probably right
only by working for myself would I be able to have the life I enjoy and balance my needs and those of my family

for most people talk of starting a business is just that talk, fear prevents them from ever attempting it
for me it is an eventuality I have been moving in that direction for some time and even now am researching a few ideas for starting businesses up here
as a way to occupy my time and mind

I was talking with a girl the other night
[the vegetarian]
and trying to explain how my world works
she said that honestly it was intimidating as it was so completely foreign from her experience of life

in a large part this has been a problem in my life for some time
see I have only rarely dated women accustomed to my world
and my world like any other has its pluses and its minuses
although rather than minuses I prefer the term responsibilities
because that is what they are and quite often most inconvenient ones

these women tend to enjoy the pleasures of my life but even so, because they just do not grasp how my world works
they have trouble with the responsibilities, they do not understand why there are things I simply have to do
things which seem superficially unrelated to our life like for example
why I have to have lunch with some friends of my grandparents or fly across the country for a foundation meeting
for the most part they can understand the more direct familial responsibilities but the more abstract ones give them trouble
it seems they often just want to take our pot of clams our toys and lifestyle and bottle it
they often wonder why all these other things have to intrude on our life

rarely do they understand the work I do for my family especially seeing as I am mostly disinherited
and stand to gain very little in terms of direct income as a result of that work
of course, I will benefit from the work and in a quite healthy financial matter but it wont come in the form of a paycheck or an inheritance
it comes in the form of reducing my opportunity cost which will make me far more money than if I had been justly paid for the work on a fee for service basis.

this is another concept which was bred into me which most people just do not seem to get or even know that it exists for that matter

the idea of opportunity cost

well, you are probably familiar with the saying

"it takes money to make money"

which is really a fairly deceptive statement and is too often used to explain giving up but anyway

say you see an opportunity in your community where a need is being under-served and you can make a lot of money by starting a company to serve that need
well starting a company takes money ranging from little things like a telephone to marketing, a place of business and furniture
starting a restaurant or a bar for example can cost between 50k and several million depending on the size and glitter

most people dont have that kind of cash lying around which is why banks loan money
the problem with banks is that they want their money back and you have to prove to them that they will get it back before you borrow it

hence the term opportunity cost you see an opportunity to make money but there is a cost you have to pay before you can

now every opportunity has a different opportunity cost and every opportunity has a cost

that hot blonde in the bar could be a great opportunity for some sweet loving but nothing is free
and the opportunity to sleep with her has its cost too

sometimes it is an easy cost to pay
sometimes it is harder
often times you do not even know the price upfront

say for example if she was an axe murderer
the price for sleeping with her could be your head in her pretty lil prada bag

the trick is to look at life through this lense
now obviously it can not be the only lense you look through because life is about much more than that
but it is something I keep an eye on every so often checking back to find out what the opportunity cost is
and making sure it is something I am willing to pay

now there are people in this world with a whole lot of money sitting there and money sitting there is no good
if you have money you want to have it working for you
the more work your money does the less you have to do
which frees you up for nice things like spending time with the grandkids

and these people, unlike a bank do not need guarantees
you see, they can leave their money in a bank and earn 2% a year
or in the stock market and earn 10% a year
and believe me they make sure they have plenty in both places
but they can make 200% investing it in starting a business

so they have the money but you have two advantages

one you probably know the business you want to start better than they do
i.e. a head chef of a restaurant knows more about running a restaurant than the average customer

and two

you have already seen an opportunity

so what they are looking for is that you have a good idea
a real opportunity and that you will be responsible with their money

they do not mind the risk

I did some work a while back with some venture capitalist friends of the family
these are people who give 5-10 million dollars to other people to start or build companies

you know what their success/failure ratio is? how many bets have to work for them to be successful at it?

one in ten

if they make ten 5 million dollar investments and nine of them fail
the one that succeeds will make enough to pay for the others and a healthy chuck of cash besides

which means that it is a lot less important that you have a can not fail plan
as it is that you will be responsible with their money

what they do not want to do is throw their money away on someone who isnt going to work their ass off
they do not mind risk

of course the funny / sad / pathetic thing that I saw working with them

was that most people who pitched them did exactly the opposite

instead of showing that they had a solid plan that was well researched and that they had the right experience and talent in place
they pitched it as a no lose proposition

well no lose is no risk and no risk is no reward
might as well stick it in a bank

one of them once said to me

"anyone who guarantees to make you money will only lose your money"

even a bank doesnt guaranty to make you money
they promise to pay you that 2% on your savings as long as they are in business
now granted the government insures a certain amount of your savings
if the bank goes bust but no one insures the money you havent made yet

anyway I digress
back to my point about different worlds

the redhead in a moment of candor told me that when we first started going out
she thought I was a liar and more so a pretty bad one, telling her tall tales for some who knows what reason
but as she got to know me better, things she had doubted were proven true
and what she had thought to be tall tales were shown not even to be bragging but just the simple facts of my life

that is how different my world is
so much so that people
[especially up here as unlike big city folk they havent seen other people similar to me]
lean toward disbelief because they do not understand it because it is so different from their view of the world
that it is easier to believe it isnt true

of course her statement got me thinking
it made a lot of sense and in a way I had also experienced the same thing
with a few other people I had met here

right off, I identified even something so simple as my clothes as standing me apart
I do not dress like most people here and without question my clothes
both in style and quality shout money to people here
where in the city they would be more common place and unremarkable

I have tried to find a balance here between talking about myself and my life but not coming off as a braggart

part of the problem I have had is that I am such a curiosity to people here in their mind

why the hell would I move here
[at times I wonder that myself]

that they almost demand that I explain it to their satisfaction
and because of the murkiness of my reasons, granted they seem quite clear to me
but they are hard to explain to someone not acquainted with my situation or that of people like me
it requires some delicate footwork to give them an explanation they will accept without divulging too much detail
that could turn them off

this is especially problematic with women granted with the exception of the redhead
and a couple others most of the women I have seen here have only been passing fancies

because my instinct, no that is the wrong word, my tendency is to open up fairly quickly
to women I am dating to share myself and learn about them

now granted this is not a new problem for me rather something I have always had to deal with
only here it is a lot more pronounced because in the city
people wonder if I am the type of person I say I am and quickly see that I am, so it works out
here however people wonder if that type of person exists and if we do,

why the hell am I here.

I was talking to a couple of girls the other day and it was light flirty banter
but of course the question comes up

why did you move here?

I decided to deflect it with some humor and responded

"well I got caught having sex with the presidents twin daughters and a llama so I had to flee the country until he cools off or someone else gets elected"

they looked at me with a look of uncertainty
it was just weird enough to be true
and sure enough out comes the

"really?"

nah, I responded, I was just joking

her friend said
"you know that doesnt impress women"

or some shit like that

to which I replied

I am not attempting to impress women

by that I meant
I was amusing myself and hoping to amuse you
not slide into your pants with a single line

but which I think they took as
why would I want to impress you

regardless the conversation died so I bailed

anyway once again back to the dichotomy

most of my adult life my world and my talents opened me up to skepticism if I was too open with people
so rather than pick up chicks on the breadth of my merits on who I am as a complete person

I have instead usually resorted to my charm and humor with a dash of arrogant asshole thrown in for good measure
in other words the cocky charming bastard who slept with your sister last night

and it has been quite successful in getting me laid
somewhat successful in finding girlfriends
but entirely unsuccessful in finding a mate

usually how it has gone with girlfriends is I pick em up with the cocky bastard routine
then get them hooked on the great sex and use that as a way to transfer the relationship
over to the person I am with my friends and family

it has worked , how well I couldnt honestly judge
obviously I am not still with any of them but I think that to be an overly harsh measure of success
because the vast majority of my relationships while not resulting in marriage have been really good things
I am on friendly terms with very nearly all of my ex's
I am still friends with quite a few and even very close with several
and for the most part the relationships were successful while they lasted

the vast majority of my relationships I ended not because I hated the girl or because it wasnt working
[i.e. I was entirely unsatisfied]
but because I felt we were heading in different directions and wanted different things out of life

which is why all but four of my relationships have lasted less than six months because once I realized it I ended the relationship

anyway many of my friends, indeed many of you and even my mother
have told me that I need to seek a different type of woman

the type of woman who prefers the person I am with my friends to the cocky bastard routine
and without wanting to impugn the women I have dated in the past I happen to agree

I think it would be interesting at the very least

so great

we all agree

now what?

thats where I am stuck

I am very good at picking up chicks in bars or in random public places
but thats the whole
schmoozing a girl on the commuter train while gift wrapping lingerie and stealing a kiss before disappearing
charming bastard routine

honestly most of my friends I made with the same routine
my easy charm and sense of humor broke the ice and set them at ease
allowed them to get to know me

I am not sure I know how to meet people any other way
sure I have the family meeting people persona
but that is different because it isnt really strangers
but friends and family of friends and family

I do not know how to approach a girl whether in a bar or a library in any other way

I suppose I am too cynical but to entertain the idea of walking up to a girl
and saying something like

"I find you attractive, and I am a really nice guy, how about you let me take you out to dinner and see if we hit it off?"

besides being a little creepy, seems the social equivalent of taping a "kick me" sign to my back

but since nearly a hundred women would have read this
if this post wasnt so damn long
and I applaud the attention span of any of you that made it this far

I thought I would throw it out there
how would you react to such an approach?
[not specifically that statement]
[but that sort of idea]

now ladies before you respond

I do not want the "oh I am home alone wishing I could find a nice guy" bullshit response
I want the "I am out living my life, and looking damn sexy if I may say so myself" response

i.e. try to think how you would feel if someone approached you like that during your day,
maybe around your friends or coworker/classmates not when you are home alone eating a tv dinner and feeling lonely

but really what it comes down to is that I like the idea of trying a new approach

I just do not have a clue how

so if you have any thoughts on a different style of breaking the ice and meeting people
that I can try out instead of the cocky routine

I would love to hear your thoughts

anyway
I should have ended this about twenty feet ago
so
I am off to sit on the back porch with my kitties and read my book

I have been reading a biography of FDR focusing around the events of WW2

which is most fascinating

maybe I will even crack a bottle of wine

ah
it is good to be the king

so be well loves

Comments

[msliminal.livejournal.com]

I would go for that approach as long as I found you physically attractive...although it would be a little bit embarrassing if you did so in front of my friends.

But I'm the sort of girl who prefers nice guys to cocky bastards.

[plural.livejournal.com]

you know

I cant really understand why that would be embarrassing?

even if the guy if butt fugly it would still be a compliment right?

[msliminal.livejournal.com]

I don't why it would be embarrassing. I just think that I'd rather be asked out during a private conversation. If others were around I'd feel some pressure...and would probably decline.

And yes, it would still be compliment.

And ditto on what the person below said about announcing that you're a nice guy. It's kind of creepy.

[plural.livejournal.com]

yeah I hear ya on that

I was more pulling something out of my ass for an example

as I really have no idea how to approach a girl in a non-cocky charming manner

of course, the answer is probably finding a way to combine something else with the cockiness/charm to give a different overall impression, but as to what, I am not sure