On Domestic Violence

[plural]

I have never hit a woman in my life
save for the confines of a sparring session
while studying martial arts.
and a misguided attempt to defend myself
from my older sister
using a squeezable plastic ketchup bottle
when I was nine

However, I have been cold cocked with a frying pan
had plates, knives and a variety of other unfriendly objects
thrown at me.

I have been physically assaulted at some point
by the larger majority of the woman I have dated.
[granted save for the frying pan incident]
[none managed to cause any real harm]

I have personally found that women resort to
what I would call simple violence much quicker then men
because of the lack of consequences for women for their actions.

I also have to admit,
that while I have never hit a woman,
I have come very very close in several situations.

The first of these was the worst
it started with a heated argument,
we were arguing about work if I recall
my work
specifically my working late

It started with her complaining that I didn't help her with the housework

to which I responded

"Why are you doing any of it, I don't pay for a maid to have you scrubbing toilets"

she was one of those women
who could never start out arguing about
whatever was really bothering her

instead she had to pick a subject
which she was sure to win
then carry that victory on into her intended subject

Young, and immature perhaps
but we were both so
and this is no happy tale of maturity and harmony

The argument progressed into her accusing me
of staying at work because I didn't want to see her
or because I didn't love her
or because I was having an affair

I was feeling attacked and defensive
it was five o'clock on a Sunday afternoon
I had taken Friday off and not gone into work all weekend
to give us some quality time

I couldn't figure out where this was coming from
all this anger and accusations
why it had even come up at all
We had just had this great weekend together
full of good times, fabulous sex and delicious foods
and boom
from way out of left field
hiding under the bleachers

she blind sides me with a sudden fury

I don't remember what set her off
probably because I didn't recognize the spark point

looking back I can see that
it was the pressure of returning to
what was for her a very unhappy and lonely life
waiting for me to come home

Where I was in the moment
the time we were spending together
she was already beginning to dread
that toll of the bell
that signal
of another week
left alone

Of course
I was also young and foolish
immature and pigheaded

I had no understanding of what her
worries, pains and fears were
instead I responded to her accusations
responded defensively

the argument escalated quickly
towards a fiery impasse
that is when it happened

desperate to express her pain
frustrated at the impasse
we both knew to be coming

it was
in reflection
a pitiful attack of
utter helplessness

but
it brought out something incredibly primal
a shift to instinct
an attack mode of tremendous ferocity

it was an overwhelming and powerful emotional response.
one for which I was entirely unprepared

She came at me,
she started hitting me
and I snapped,
in that fraction of a second,
I grabbed her arms
pinned them against her torso
as I lifted her up in front of me
her legs dangling free below her

I raged beyond fierce
saying something close to

"You don't ever get to hit me Do you understand me You don't fucking ever get to hit me"

I was not aware
that I was shaking her like a rag doll
while I said this
as my entire body was shaking
pumped with a murderous and primal rage

I really don't know what would have happened
had she not collapsed

mind

body

and spirit

with only my seething violence to hold her up

but watching her crumble into a quivering tearful mess

seeing her mind flee the situation
literally shut down
unable to cope with what was happening

this snapped me out of it

the rage and violence vanished
one swift second later
left me eviscerated
my chest hollow
my intestines torn out
wrapped around my neck
strangling me
so that I could hardly breathe
choking on tears

holding her whimpering form
in my arms
like a parent
who accidentally shot their only child

praying for anything to take away
that sick feeling inside

that which you would give your very life to undo

impotent and waiting for some savior
to make this wrong
right again
and wash away your sin

I honestly do not know
if I had the barest fringe of control
during those few seconds.

I think that I must have
simply because I retained some faculty of words
and because that incredible violence
was not unleashed to do it's worst

Those few blows
the response it provoked
destroyed that relationship

Since that day
every time she looks at me
I can see the fear in her eyes

It tears me apart
I felt like a horrible brute of a man
our relationship festered for several months
and
I was forced to watch her wither
under the weight of her fear

an unholy fear
which simply cannot exist
in a loving relationship

I have felt that same rage again since that day,
[each time the circumstances were almost identical]
but never again will I let it surface or gain the slightest bit of control.

I am forever haunted
by the look of fear
of terror
of utter defeat
which replaced
who she was
and
how she saw me

In her heart
I was no longer a man

In her eyes
a monster

How do you protect her?
How do you make her feel safe?
When it is you she is afraid of?

I do not think I have ever felt
so entirely worthless

so much the failure

Comments

[asrei.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

You can not protect her, nor make her feel safe.

You can simply stand by and support.. recognise it was not your fault, try not to burden all the blame on your shoulders, as it will do neither of you any good.

I was told once, that some day your best.. even if it was only 50% of what you thought you could do.. was still your best for that situation.. there is no point in going over it and dwelling on "i could have done better" - what has been as been, what was done was done.. you did the best with the resources you had.

If the situation ever, god forbid, crops up again.. you will have the knowledge on how to handle it better.

Until then - try to forgive yourself, if you cant to that - neither can she.. and your goal - which is to make her feel safe, and to protect her - wont happen.

[plural.livejournal.com]

well

that girl

and that relationship

are long past

I have learned to control
such emotions as well

this was more reflection
a mea culpa
raised by someone elses words
and
I figured it was time
to visit this ghost
here

[asrei.livejournal.com]

*smile*

I admire your ability to do so.
As i have told you before.

Just remember.. your best was good enough for that day.

'What if' and 'i should have' have no place here.

You did what you could with what you had.

xox

clarity..

[anjel.livejournal.com]

wow.
thanks for sharing that.

i myself have never hit anyone. not even my sister.
nor have i been hit.
maybe except for behaviour rectification by parents
however that was only once or twice.

i am lucky that i have never been part of a violent situation.
i once feared that my ex's mother would hit me...
she had that look in her eyes.
and i swear she was split personality or some other such issue.
she is the only person that has ever made me feel that way.
and for no reason at all.
hence the comment about split personality.
after a while, i was able to see the instant shift
and get the hell out of there.

now, the thing here is, that i have a bad temper
i can get angry
and once i stopped myself from throwing boiling water
on my sister.
because she was pissing me off ever so badly.

i was about 9.

never have i ever had the urge to do that again.

anyways, thanks for sharing.
i agree with asrei...
to the degree that you have to forgive yourself...
while what you did (and what she did for that matter)
was not right.
it is unchangeable.
it has however changed you for the better
that you would never do it again.
perhaps she has forgotten that she started it.

while i did voice my opinion on men hitting women
i did say that women hitting men was not acceptable either.
basically, the underlying thing here is that

i dont like violence in any form.

[nandan.livejournal.com]

She sounds a little loonie. But maybe I'm giving her too little credit. Just how annoying are you, anyway? How long would I last before I hauled off and hit you myself? I'm particularly good at throwing vegetables. ; )

[plural.livejournal.com]

annoying, not particularly

troublesome, frustrating, and wicked

quite a bit

I think the two things that get me in the most trouble are my sense of humor [see frying pan incident]

and the fact that I find women incredibly sexy when they are angry.

[which generally means I am distracted from whatever the argument or cause is, as I am thinking about how hot they look and whether I would recieve more than a few serious wounds if I bent her over the couch mid-sentence]

[nandan.livejournal.com]

Some women do provoke fights to get attention, not necessarily sexual, but physical warmth, anyway.

Maybe your reaction is a good one? Okay, not the shaking someone senseless, but the arousal. It beats sarcasm.

[plural.livejournal.com]

It is the old bad attention is better than no attention

which I am shamed to admit far too many of my women suffered from

sure I fucked em senseless twice a day
but
otherwise I was pretty much not present

a mistake I do not plan on making again