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pluralI have often found that my values and philosophies are out of sync with other people. I have been told several times that I was born in the wrong time, so I pose the question to you my faithful [or is it faithless] readers.
Place me in time, from my personality and style, where do you think I belong?
[while this may appear to be a vanity question, I am sincerely curious]
[and am using this as a precursor to a serious post]
[Please check one, but preferrably not more than two options]
[if you must check more than one please leave a comment explaining your thoughts]
[Poll #46879]
This is really mostly about perception.
I have a certain style of living, and deeply held values which I use to define my life and my person. While I am not looking for a clone, a successful relationship, especially if it is to produce children requires a certain amount of compatibility between my values and beliefs and those of a prospective female.
I have been told by more than a few people that I belong in black and white movies. I assume this is because of my devotion to those icons of behaviour which are absent in todays society, rather than a commentary on my complexion.
I do admire and appreciate the style with which lives where lived in those times. Before wit was replaced with banal epithets, when intellect was admired rather than scorned, and civility was the norm, not the exception.
My favourite movie is Casablanca, not because of the glitz and glamour, but because of the values of the characters, and the dedication to the sense of personal style by which they practiced those values.
I make no claims on being the most honest man in the world, nor do I claim spotless integrity, but I have a decent idea of who I am, and what I value, and what I want in life. I have many sides and modes of personality. I am a different person when walking through the woods, than I am attending an opera.
Dont mistake me here, the same core values and person is underneath, but the way in which I experience the world can be vastly different. It comes I think from passion, I am extremely passionate about many things, and when I focus on an experience, I attune myself to maximizing that particular experience.
Everything I do, gets the entirety of my attention, this means when I make love, the rest of the world doesnt exists, there is only the two of us, suspended in space and time. This makes me an exceedingly good lover. The intensity which I focus and persue things has a dark side as many women have discovered. When I am focused on them, they feel like bright shining stars, but when I am focused, on a project for example, I am completely absent. I have been told it feels like the space I occupy becomes a black hole. I can and will spend hours without noticing anything else around me.
When I am hanging out with my blue collar friends, I focus on connecting with them and make use of the skills and traits I possess which enable that. When I hang out with my executive friends, I use a different set of skills and traits to enhance that connection.
I look at it as having a table full of personality traits, each trait has an adjustable spotlight above it. Each situation determines the brightness which is shone on each trait. This doesnt mean I compromise myself, or change who I am, I just use different combinations of who I am to connect more intimately with people.
The perception of who I am is probably skewed in this forum. In life I am actually a rather quiet and private person. Now some of you who know me are probably scoffing right now, but it is true. For every hour I spend socializing and partying, being charming and adventurous, I spend about ten hours relaxing, thinking, reading and writing. I not only enjoy spending time by myself, I require it.
I have often experienced issues in relationships where a woman will fixate on cetain aspects or facets of my personality and behaviour and try to require me to be those all the time. One girlfriend loved the quiet attentive person I was at home, but despised how I behaved at parties, when I was socializing and schmoozing the masses. Another loved how I interacted with nature but thought I was a pompus ass when it came to cultural events like the opera. [for the record, she was correct].
I am all these things, these facets of my personality and my behaviour. I have tried to respond to their wishes and focus on the aspects which they prefer, but it was a fatal mistake. I need both sides, all sides of the experiences. The various focuses which I have feed each other, I can enjoy schmoozing and socializing because I have quiet time for reflection. I would not enjoy quiet time for reflection if I didnt spend time socializing. I love nature but I could not live without the city.
It is a matter of balance, I am too passionate a person to find a middle ground instead I go to both extremes and use each extreme to balance out the other. One extreme cannot be sustained without the corresponding opposite extreme to balance it out.
Often times, I get the feeling that women equate my desire to pamper, spoil and generally dote upon my lovers, with meaning that they can walk all over me. I will not be walked on, and in most cases this comes as a great surprise to the women I date, at some point they realize there is a line, and they cant cross it. Most have reacted quite badly to this discovery. If a relationship asks me to compromise my values, I will always choose walk away from that relationship before compromising my values. I am indeed a prideful bastard, I have worked hard to build a life that is full of the people and things that I value, the daily rituals and quiet sophistication.
I am a rather odd person, but not really a complicated one. I just really enjoy being alive and experiencing different things. I am equally comfortable spending a week backpacking in the woods as I am in a tux at the opera. I adore motorcycles and my Ducati is probably the only material possession which I actually care about. I enjoy the options money provides but refuse to worship it. I love movies but almost never watch television.
I am full of contradictions, and I have almost no favourites of anything. I refuse to be consistent with the little things in life, I see no reason why I cannot be free to adore spinach one day and despise it another. I am however not in the least bit fickle with my friendships and relationships. Loyalty is my highest value and probably one of the few positive traits I possess.
I was raised with an incredibly strong emphasis on community and family, and have embraced it. I have five nieces and nephews. I get to take them out, fill them with sweets, have fun and when they get cranky give them back to their parents, it is truly wonderful, although I worry about my siblings revenge when I have my own children. I refuse to give up my childhood sense of wonder about the world, and adore children museums. Unfortunately being a twenty-six year old male, the general population tends to frown on my attending such places of play by myself, so nieces and nephews can come in quite handy.
I adore art, and often get chastised for being too playful in art museums. I despise people who treat art museums like mausoleums.
My life is composed of a long series of humbling moments to remind me that delusions of grandeur only last a little while. I have a despicable sense of humour and a rather frequent tendency towards mischief. I live and love with no reluctance, and hold nothing back in my pursuits, I refuse to die regretting that I did not do something.
I despise worrying about money, or even thinking about it on a personal level. I pay checks at restaurants without looking at them, I do not care what it costs, nor even want to see the bill. I tell my travel agent where I want to go and when. I have no idea how much my phone bill is each month, or how much my electricity costs me. I have an accountant to worry about such things.
Now there is a schism here, because I am not a man of unlimited resources, atleast not yet, nor am I a foolish man, I just very carefully craft my life and my finances to allow me these freedoms. When I go into a restaurant, I know approximately what it will cost, I know that I have room in my budget to cover it, and that is all I need to know.
I rarely spend the amount of money I have budgeted for a period, instinctively I make choices which conserve funds. On this trip, I will end up between six and seven thousand dollars under budget. This means that on average, I spent a thousand dollars less a month than was projected.
Despite some appearances, I really spend very little money on material things. Those things which I do buy, I consider carefully to get exactly what I want, and of a quality that will endure. I tend not to make many impulse purchases, nor buy many high ticket items. Most of my money goes to experiences, this trip for example, dinners out with friends is another, my various passions for wine, cooking and the like.
I am going to stop here, even though I am not finished. I would greatly value your insights and thoughts, I have a feeling this will be the only the first in a series of posts, which primarily will serve as a conversation with myself, not so much to better understand myself, but to learn to better explain and represent myself to others.
I am extremely curious if there is anything which I have said which you find disingenuous with your perception of me from my previous writings.
Place me in time, from my personality and style, where do you think I belong?
[while this may appear to be a vanity question, I am sincerely curious]
[and am using this as a precursor to a serious post]
[Please check one, but preferrably not more than two options]
[if you must check more than one please leave a comment explaining your thoughts]
[Poll #46879]
This is really mostly about perception.
I have a certain style of living, and deeply held values which I use to define my life and my person. While I am not looking for a clone, a successful relationship, especially if it is to produce children requires a certain amount of compatibility between my values and beliefs and those of a prospective female.
I have been told by more than a few people that I belong in black and white movies. I assume this is because of my devotion to those icons of behaviour which are absent in todays society, rather than a commentary on my complexion.
I do admire and appreciate the style with which lives where lived in those times. Before wit was replaced with banal epithets, when intellect was admired rather than scorned, and civility was the norm, not the exception.
My favourite movie is Casablanca, not because of the glitz and glamour, but because of the values of the characters, and the dedication to the sense of personal style by which they practiced those values.
I make no claims on being the most honest man in the world, nor do I claim spotless integrity, but I have a decent idea of who I am, and what I value, and what I want in life. I have many sides and modes of personality. I am a different person when walking through the woods, than I am attending an opera.
Dont mistake me here, the same core values and person is underneath, but the way in which I experience the world can be vastly different. It comes I think from passion, I am extremely passionate about many things, and when I focus on an experience, I attune myself to maximizing that particular experience.
Everything I do, gets the entirety of my attention, this means when I make love, the rest of the world doesnt exists, there is only the two of us, suspended in space and time. This makes me an exceedingly good lover. The intensity which I focus and persue things has a dark side as many women have discovered. When I am focused on them, they feel like bright shining stars, but when I am focused, on a project for example, I am completely absent. I have been told it feels like the space I occupy becomes a black hole. I can and will spend hours without noticing anything else around me.
When I am hanging out with my blue collar friends, I focus on connecting with them and make use of the skills and traits I possess which enable that. When I hang out with my executive friends, I use a different set of skills and traits to enhance that connection.
I look at it as having a table full of personality traits, each trait has an adjustable spotlight above it. Each situation determines the brightness which is shone on each trait. This doesnt mean I compromise myself, or change who I am, I just use different combinations of who I am to connect more intimately with people.
The perception of who I am is probably skewed in this forum. In life I am actually a rather quiet and private person. Now some of you who know me are probably scoffing right now, but it is true. For every hour I spend socializing and partying, being charming and adventurous, I spend about ten hours relaxing, thinking, reading and writing. I not only enjoy spending time by myself, I require it.
I have often experienced issues in relationships where a woman will fixate on cetain aspects or facets of my personality and behaviour and try to require me to be those all the time. One girlfriend loved the quiet attentive person I was at home, but despised how I behaved at parties, when I was socializing and schmoozing the masses. Another loved how I interacted with nature but thought I was a pompus ass when it came to cultural events like the opera. [for the record, she was correct].
I am all these things, these facets of my personality and my behaviour. I have tried to respond to their wishes and focus on the aspects which they prefer, but it was a fatal mistake. I need both sides, all sides of the experiences. The various focuses which I have feed each other, I can enjoy schmoozing and socializing because I have quiet time for reflection. I would not enjoy quiet time for reflection if I didnt spend time socializing. I love nature but I could not live without the city.
It is a matter of balance, I am too passionate a person to find a middle ground instead I go to both extremes and use each extreme to balance out the other. One extreme cannot be sustained without the corresponding opposite extreme to balance it out.
Often times, I get the feeling that women equate my desire to pamper, spoil and generally dote upon my lovers, with meaning that they can walk all over me. I will not be walked on, and in most cases this comes as a great surprise to the women I date, at some point they realize there is a line, and they cant cross it. Most have reacted quite badly to this discovery. If a relationship asks me to compromise my values, I will always choose walk away from that relationship before compromising my values. I am indeed a prideful bastard, I have worked hard to build a life that is full of the people and things that I value, the daily rituals and quiet sophistication.
I am a rather odd person, but not really a complicated one. I just really enjoy being alive and experiencing different things. I am equally comfortable spending a week backpacking in the woods as I am in a tux at the opera. I adore motorcycles and my Ducati is probably the only material possession which I actually care about. I enjoy the options money provides but refuse to worship it. I love movies but almost never watch television.
I am full of contradictions, and I have almost no favourites of anything. I refuse to be consistent with the little things in life, I see no reason why I cannot be free to adore spinach one day and despise it another. I am however not in the least bit fickle with my friendships and relationships. Loyalty is my highest value and probably one of the few positive traits I possess.
I was raised with an incredibly strong emphasis on community and family, and have embraced it. I have five nieces and nephews. I get to take them out, fill them with sweets, have fun and when they get cranky give them back to their parents, it is truly wonderful, although I worry about my siblings revenge when I have my own children. I refuse to give up my childhood sense of wonder about the world, and adore children museums. Unfortunately being a twenty-six year old male, the general population tends to frown on my attending such places of play by myself, so nieces and nephews can come in quite handy.
I adore art, and often get chastised for being too playful in art museums. I despise people who treat art museums like mausoleums.
My life is composed of a long series of humbling moments to remind me that delusions of grandeur only last a little while. I have a despicable sense of humour and a rather frequent tendency towards mischief. I live and love with no reluctance, and hold nothing back in my pursuits, I refuse to die regretting that I did not do something.
I despise worrying about money, or even thinking about it on a personal level. I pay checks at restaurants without looking at them, I do not care what it costs, nor even want to see the bill. I tell my travel agent where I want to go and when. I have no idea how much my phone bill is each month, or how much my electricity costs me. I have an accountant to worry about such things.
Now there is a schism here, because I am not a man of unlimited resources, atleast not yet, nor am I a foolish man, I just very carefully craft my life and my finances to allow me these freedoms. When I go into a restaurant, I know approximately what it will cost, I know that I have room in my budget to cover it, and that is all I need to know.
I rarely spend the amount of money I have budgeted for a period, instinctively I make choices which conserve funds. On this trip, I will end up between six and seven thousand dollars under budget. This means that on average, I spent a thousand dollars less a month than was projected.
Despite some appearances, I really spend very little money on material things. Those things which I do buy, I consider carefully to get exactly what I want, and of a quality that will endure. I tend not to make many impulse purchases, nor buy many high ticket items. Most of my money goes to experiences, this trip for example, dinners out with friends is another, my various passions for wine, cooking and the like.
I am going to stop here, even though I am not finished. I would greatly value your insights and thoughts, I have a feeling this will be the only the first in a series of posts, which primarily will serve as a conversation with myself, not so much to better understand myself, but to learn to better explain and represent myself to others.
I am extremely curious if there is anything which I have said which you find disingenuous with your perception of me from my previous writings.
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no subject
Date: 2002-07-18 04:32 am (UTC)It pleases me for some odd reason..
and it makes
this winter's
strained conversations
fall softly away to memories.
I see your hand at the till and am pleased for you...
and I seem almost ready to bound
towards the rigging at your call.
Odd that.. that I have a sense that I could ever
help or enhance, steady or make a way easy
to help another. *introspection*
I selected three.
And as I was selecting I knew
that most would choose 1920's..
And I think I know why.
Prohibition, fringe dresses,
big bands, and glitzy night clubs..
And for that reason.. I chose the 1910's.
The 1920's were living in a fevered pitch..
trying to make up for life, for living and
slamming through change like a test dummy
into a brick wall.. they fell to pieces and
we let them sleep in alleys.. forever trying
to gain back their self confidence and self worth
lost in the Great War.
The 1910's.. they were more about determination..
self determination.. kindly lending a hand out
to each other to steady ourselves in our values
of hearth and home while technology, communication,
and society were about to leap from the peaks
we'd climbed to without having a parachute.
I don't see you without ever having a parachute..
Sure a cigarette dangling on your lip..
and maybe half naked on a sandy beach
in some black and white film
living with the natives..
But never jumping without a parachute.
I selected also Roman-greco, and distant future.
Roman greco just makes you a patrition..
and that may be the quickest, ever,
definition to give of you.
I selected distant future because
I remain, however guarded, an optimist.
In what dreams may come,
Zaiah