Parting is such sweet sorrow

[plural]

I came here three years ago, 37 months to be exact.

not knowing what to expect but needing something

you see all of my life I have been a gray man
a shadow
a ghost

never trusting anyone with the truth about who I am
what I am, those deep dark secrets of my soul

I was always a mirror reflecting back what others wished to see
I realized at a young age that they would see it regardless
so why try to change it
go
with the
flow

don't rock the boat

I had kept journals before this
but never stuck with them
for any real length of time

a few days
a couple of weeks
but even there I could not bring myself
to write the truth
to inscribe in words
those secrets which could hurt me
those flaws
which I hide so carefully

to write it down made it real
made it exposed
a weakness in a world where I could afford none

they quickly became meaningless
worthless and empty

then I came here
in pain
in sorrow
and more than a little scared

I had just ended the longest relationship of my life
thrown away three years

in reflection
I had seen my greatest flaw
I never gave her the chance to know me
to know who I was
instead I kept her at an emotional arms length
too afraid to let her see my darkness
my void
instead trying so hard
to pretend
to alter myself
to be the man she wanted of me

it wasn't that I was not that man
but I that I was not only that man
I tried and failed
to eliminate every other part of me
from fear
from shame
from uncertainty

I realized that I had to get it out
spill my guts in some form
deal with my horrors and nightmares
or I would be cursed to this hell forever

I could not go to friends
family
people I had known all my life
and say such things
it would be unfair of me
not to mention stupid
to shatter their perceptions so abruptly
especially without at least taking the time
to think such words and actions out
carefully
that only what I knew to be true
and what needed to be said
was shared

but I was confused
so many suppressed thoughts and emotions
from years of hiding from my past
jumbled my soul

if I opened the door at all
they just seemed to pour out
an incoherent mass

that where you came in
my loyal readers
the anonymous masses
whom I have come to adore

that's where this place came to be

a place where I could write and expose myself
pour out my unrefined thoughts and fears
and distill them
learn them
understand them
that I could better my life

and to a degree it has worked
I am without question much clearer
more aware
and more understanding
of the holes rent in my soul

unfortunately
save the occasional rambling
that is not my journal now
long ago I said all I needed to say
and kept going
spewing bullshit
living my falsely glorified life

smooth lines and sleek women
exotic locales and sweet liquors
this empty shell is what my life has become

I poured out my soul
on these pages
and forgot to take it back
put it back in
instead filling that void
with useless banter and sleazy memories

but now I am tired
wiped out
dispirited

this life holds no awe
no mystery left for me

every road a repeat
every tale a re-run

it is that same sad pathetic tale
that human being story
unchanged since the dawn of time

I look at people and they make me want to cry
just shut down and allow my heart to shatter

from my friends who just cant seem to figure it out
to the strangers walking around in a daze unable to see even themselves

I know the lies you will tell before you open your mouth
I hear the pain and sorrow in your most joyous laughter

I am the king of frauds
the prince of lies

I know them all

I know you all
better than you will ever know yourselves

but what does it matter
what good can it do anyone

even you who read these ramblings of mine
who may stop in to post some brief agreement
never get it
never see it
beyond the sixty seconds spent reading it

I read your journals
with a mixture of contempt and tragic sorrow
I see petty babblings
selfish rantings
and it sickens me

these are your lives people
the next forty years are yours to make
craft
but it takes work
it takes risk

most of all it takes getting your head out of your ass
and stop focusing on all that petty shit

those of you that are in relationships
marriages
grow the fuck up

it isn't about you anymore
it is about the relationship
the commitment
making it work

who did what to whom
who is right
who is wrong
just doesn't fucking matter
how you get through the day
how you hold the one you love
that
and only that
means a damn thing

those of you who aren't
whether you talk about wanting it or not
stop fucking around
first look at yourself
really look
see yourself
see your wants, needs and desires
and go after them
stop chasing whatever illusion you have been after
stop running down the same roads
with the same people
you already know where they lead
how they end up

take a chance on yourself
risk something different
you may be pleasantly surprised

me?
I will admit
my life is just as fucked
but I don't have forty years
I don't have forty months

and this
here
just isn't cutting it anymore

I don't know what I am doing
where I am going
where it will lead
or where it will end up

you all break my heart
with your tragedies and sorrows
and
I just don't know what to do anymore

I am so tired
my soul is plain worn out
bleeding and exhausted

I cant afford to care
I am emotionally bankrupt

bury my soul in a hole six feet deep
for a single night of peace