neilsen ratings

[plural]

so
a guy calls me this morning

I answer the phone
knowing it is a telemarketer
cause well
it was the first call
I have gotten on the house line
and
even I do not know the number

but first calls being first calls
I had to answer it

he asked to speak to the lady or gentleman of the house

and first off let me say
who the hell cold calls at 7:30am
sure most people are either sleeping
or getting ready for work

of course
neither applies to me
so I really shouldnt bitch

I say that I am the man of the house
he introduces himself and proceeds
to ask me what type of televisions shows I watch
launching straight into the different catagories
which they use

he then asks

which of these would you say your family watches

I replied

I do not watch television

that really crippled his midget
after a moments pause
he asked if there was any shows
that I watched

what part of I do not watch television did he not understand
must have been the not part i suppose
anyway
I reiterated that I watch no television
and
he asked what the other members of my household watch

well it is just me and the cat
I replied
I think he likes news shows and soft core porn
I can ask him real quick
or if you like you can speak to him directly

umm
no sir that will not be necessary
thank you for your time and have a good day

they obviously havent connected me
with my old listing yet

the one that says call at your own peril

you see
I take a different approach to telemarketers
I love em
they amuse the hell out of me
but I still am not buying anything

I will talk to em
listen to their spiel
ask them questions
then say no
listen to all their rebuttals
ask them more questions
and then say no

you see
what telemarketers hate most
is a person who wastes their time
they want to know quick if they are going to sell you or not
for them it is a numbers game
if you are not going to buy
they got a list of a dozen other suckers who will

I suspect this is why
I never got telemarketing calls back home
I got on the real black list

of course occasionally I get witty
and just fuck with them

oh your a carpet cleaning service
thank god
I was wondering how I was going to clean up this mess
how good are you with blood stains?
excellent
can you come over right now
and just you
I dont want anyone else coming
can you do that?
no, well that doesnt work for me
I need you right now
there is blood all over the place


you see
you have to be creative in life
turn those annoyances into little flashes of joy

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Tom Mabe